The Housewife Diaries

That's Right, I'm a Classy Chick

2012-01-25T14:50:00.002-05:00

Since I ended my last blog post on a serious note, I'll share some good news!

I've FINALLY found a group of women that I can hang with. They're sassy, they're funny, they like wine and occasionally I'll even get an f-bomb or two out of them. And you'll NEVER guess where I found them.

The country club.

Yep. I've been hanging at the golf course down the street...and I don't even play golf yuk yuk yuk! So essentially, I'm going to be paying a yearly fee to be able to hang out in this bar/restaurant/pool where the common folk can't go?

Essentially, I'm paying a lot of money....for friends.

I tried the YMCA first, if that makes any difference.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

And, since I now live in Stepford Wife Land and have decided to play on their turf in the shark tank, I need some etiquette lessons. Because, although I can hold my own when I'm on my best behavior, once I start to get comfortable, I lose about 20 class points for each hour (or drink) that goes down. Because these women like fine wines, big diamonds, big houses and don't really eat much.

And then there's me.

I like to eat, a lot. I like beer and pizza. I prefer to swear if I'm around adults. I like to show off my boobs. I do like big diamonds, though.

And, although I'm pretty confident I can run with these wolves, because I like these women, I want to fine-tune my Stepford skills (without letting go of the beer-lovin, pizza-eatin, f-bomb droppin me).

Just the other day, I was having lunch with a friend, and I caught myself double dipping in our mutual hummus appetiser. Not once, but twice. My friend carefully had scooped a small portion onto her side plate and was using her knife to spread. I, on the other hand, double dipped my carrot straight from the serving plate. Go me! Luckily, my girlfriend didn't say anything but, I'm sure she was just being polite about my slobber being stirred into our hummus.

Or how about the time when I was on girls' weekend in NYC with my Las Vegas Wolfpack....we spent a few hours drinking martinis and eating expensive cheese at The Plaza, for Christ sake, and I took this picture.

I wonder if any of the country club ladies can bust out Too Short or Ice Cube like I enjoy doing? Somehow I doubt it. But I've decided that the first Philly housewife that sings along with me to a 90s rap song is going to be my new BFF, yo!

Etiquette lesson number one: no more double dipping in the hummus.

Etiquette lesson number two: when I feel like swearing, stop, smile and nod. In other words, shut the fuckity-fuck up.

Etiquette lesson number three: keep the cleavage to a minimum and save it for my trips to Vegas.

I think that's a good start...

Happy New Year & Stomach Flu Adventures

2012-01-11T14:41:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year! I hope 2012 has been a peaceful start for you and yours. I know it's, like, half-way through January but, for me, the new year has been a rough couple of weeks.

I'm putting "the Housewife" voice away for this blog. Long story but, I've been enduring (and ignoring) a very annoying and persistent feeling of pressure under my left ribs. Not pain...just pressure. To be brutally honest, I've been ignoring it for about a year. That's a long time and I'm fairly embarrassed about not doing anything about it but, when things get busy, mom and her body get put on the shelf. I know many of you can relate to this.

Christmas Eve, my daughter caught the stomach flu and we spent much of the night either hovering around the potty or in her bed with a big plastic bowl. Not fun. Poor baby was still sick on Christmas day and spent her time opening presents laying on the carpet between paper tearing. She recovered that evening. What a relief!

Late Christmas night I also succumbed to this horrible flu, and spent half the night kissing the porcelain gods, puking my brains out.

I spent the next day in bed and, thank GOD, The Hubs had taken the week off to spend with the family. But, the week ended up him taking the kids out to activities as I stayed in bed, not even able to get up to eat. I was sooooo sick. Sicker than I've been in years.

On day six, I was in tears I was so frustrated because I wasn't feeling any better than I did on day one. I wasn't able to play with my kids and their new Christmas toys, I wasn't able to go out to brunch with the family, I wasn't able to enjoy winter vacation with the people I love the most. I went through a rainbow of feelings: frustration, resentment, guilt, confusion, fear. It was like the entire year's worth of super-mom repression came out in one...big...fucking stomach flu.

Not a smart thing to do, but I started googling my symptoms, because I was convinced I could stick this out on my own. I'm a strong, capable woman! I run an entire family! I can do this! I tried to put on a strong face for The Hubs but, inside, I was preparing to die (felt like I was going to). A little dramatic? Maybe. But again, theses emotions of fear and frustration where coming out and I had NO idea they were even in there. Googling didn't do me any good but instead freaked me out even more. (forehead slap, I know)

Anyway, I called my mom in California, God bless her, and cried. I told her I was freaked and sick. She said something to me that I won't forget for a long time. She said "Tasha, you need to go downstairs and tell The Hubs to take you to the hospital right now, and I'm not hanging up until I hear you say that to him."

So I cried a little more and then agreed. The Hubs packed me and the kids up and I visited the ER for the very first time in my entire adult life. I told The Hubs to take the kids home and I'd call him when I knew more. I cried to the receptionist. I cried to the nurse. I cried to the ER doctor. He initially thought I had a kidney stone. He ran blood work and ordered a cat scan.

I waited in my little room on New Year's Day, alone, and cried some more. I sat there for hours and reflected at just how alone I felt. I had no one to call to come and sit with me. No one, other than my husband and my mom across the country, even knew where I was or what I was feeling. I had to just sit there and deal. Just me. Now, let me say how grateful I am to have a loving, supportive husband that could take my kids home for me. So grateful. But I have not felt more alone (since we moved to Philly two years ago) than I did in that hospital room.

The nurse even asked me "honey, do you suffer from some depression?" and I simply answered

Nooooooo, I just need a good cry...

And I did. And it felt good.

The good news is the tests and cat scat all came back normal. Normal?! No tumor. No kidney stone. No elevated levels in my blood. No swollen organs. The doctor said that I probably have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) due to stress combined with a spasming stomach and a wicked stomach flu.

Sweet.

I was relieved to hear it wasn't something more serious, and I think my sickness was as much emotional as it was physical. But, since then, I've still been dealing with the weird pressure feeling (it reminds me of a baby's foot pushing against your ribs when pregnant -and I ain't pregnant) that hasn't gone away, severe nausea every single day (soooo freaking annoying) and zero energy.

The moral of this story? It's my New Year's resolution: to take better care of my body, cause I ain't gettin any younger. And, I'm telling you, as a blogger that's putting it all out there lol, that so do YOU. Beacuse if you're a mom and a wife, you're most likely ignoring something too. Are you? I'm too smart to let it get to the point it did on New Year's Day again. And, if you're reading this, take this as your signal.

So that's where I've been for the last few weeks. The best news is I'm still here. And I will overcome this. Come hell or high water, I'll beat this bump in the road and keep walkin forward.

Peace, love and hair grease, peeps.

Sing Me a Song, Mom!

2011-12-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

This year, the kids have started asking me to teach them Christmas carols. I admit I'm a tad-bit embarrassed that they had to ask ME, when I should have beat them to the punch. The problem is, when I start singing, glass begins to crack everywhere. I wonder if, someday, the cats will come running. At least I have cat food and a litter box.

I am a horrid singer. It kills me but I have accepted the fact. I can hold a general tune but, once I start trying to sing beyond a C note, my voice sounds like a really bad American Idol episode.

"Silent night....holy night....all is calm....all is ahh, *cough,* ah ah ahhhrrrrrooooooo!"

Ehhh, kids, let's put on Pandora instead and I'll print you out the lyrics.

Nice, Tasha.

Growing up, my mom was a beautiful singer (still is). She sung with a couple of groups when I was a kid and would always sing harmony to my songs when I actually had the balls to sing with her.

My kids get a youtube video and printed-out lyrics.

Whatever.

My mom still begs me to sing with her and, you no what my answer is? HELL fucking no, mom. Have you heard my voice in the last ohhh, I don't know, 35 years? Um yeah. Go sing with Ava -- who loves to sing...all goddamn day long. I wonder where she got that from lol?

I'm such an awesome daughter. And (non-singing) mom.

But seriously, my mom should know better by now.

I Have Hoarding Issues

2011-12-19T14:04:00.005-05:00

Evidently I have hoarding issues.

The other day I was craving some hot chocolate. I went in search of a box of Swiss Miss that I remembered having in the pantry.

Well, hell. No wonder why I remembered it was in there -- it's been sitting in my pantry since....2006.

Uh yeah.

The sad part is that I pondered on whether to actually drink it. A hot chocolate craving is serious shit, people.

Can you see the "sell-by" date at the top left? If not, let me help you out. It's for August 2006. That means I bought it when we were living in Las Vegas (we've been in Philly for two years already).

That means I packed it, like in a box with my regular food, and took it allllllllll the way to Philly with me. And, even then, the expiration date was over three years old.

Nice, Tasha

I did end up throwing it away but, it made me start to psychologize myself....WHY would I need to keep a cheap box of hot chocolate for that long? It's not like I can say "oh, well, you know, the years just got past me!" I can't say that because I freakin PACKED it...to take to Philly with me. WTF? The amazing, traveling box of hot chocolate!

So I started going through the rest of my pantry because, of course, this must be an isolated incident....right?

Right?

I'm not even going to tell you how hold a can of cream of mushroom soup I found was. I'll let you just use your imagination.

So apparently I'm a pantry-food hoarder. Good thing I don't ever actually cook anything (take-out, anyone?!), because THAT would be really scary....

Being Sane Has its Advantages...

2011-12-16T15:08:00.004-05:00

So clearly, now that I'm officially sane again, my brain doesn't want to write as many blog posts. Sorry dudes! I wonder why that is? I guess that's why all the most creative people are a little crazy.

One thing great about being sane again (thanks to both kids being in school full-time) is I can get three times as much done in half the time. Id' forgotten how efficient I can be when I'm on my own! The first couple of times I had the pleasure of grocery shopping sans kids, I remember walking out of the store and thinking "holy shit, that only took me an hour!" When my kids are with me, who the fuck knows how long it will take me. Some visits I wondered if The Hubs would get a call from the police asking to come pick his wife up, five hours later, because she went ballistic and started throwing cabbages in the produce section because her kids wouldn't behave.

I almost happened once. OK twice.

I've also noticed that I'm less careful when I don't have my kids. I drive faster. I honk more. I call drivers really bad names. I flip people off. I listen to nasty rap music, really loud. I know (hope?) I'm not the only mid-30s, white housewife that can knock down an Ez E song like a homegirl. Just ask The Hubs.

Speaking of not being careful, Christmas shopping this year has been interesting. People (customers) turn into SUCH assholes when they're Christmas shopping...have you noticed? I go into a store, minding my own business, not looking to cut anyone off or butt in line, and other (usually old, cranky) women take FULL advantage of my politeness. What the fuck, woman!? I just moved to look at this shelf...and you take my place in line?

So this is where my housewife voice kicks in.

Since I don't have my kids with me, I can behave however the fuck I want, right? Hehe.

So my favorite thing the housewife voice says to me?

Tasha, you could totally fight her....

Fight? Really? OK so I wouldn't actually fight someone, but it's a comforting thought that I could. I'm not scared to put the smack down on granny! I don't have my kids, so bow down, beotch. Don't make me go all Tupac on you...

In reality, I'd probably just give her a dirty look at let her stay in front of me. I'm such a sucker.

But I can appreciate that, while my kids are having a blast at school learning how to read and write, their mom is fantasizing about kicking some old lady's ass at Target. Yesssss.

School is the BEST.

Older Kids = Different Life

2011-11-15T15:08:00.005-05:00

Hi there.

Remember me?

Nope, I'm not dead. At least not yet.

Kids are back in school. BOTH of them. Full time. I can't believe I can say that! My life has taken such a drastic change in the last few months.

Mainly, I'm sane again.

Yeah, I admit it now that being a stay-home-mom is not as easy or as rewarding as I once imagined it before having kids. I see fellow moms on Facebook that show pictures of their "lazy Sunday snuggles" with their five (six, seven?) kiddos, or how they love baking cookies during the afternoon to enjoy in front of a warm fire while she and her kids practice their Japanese...and I all I can think is "really?"

I envy them.

Because I am totally not like that. *Sigh.*

It sounds wonderful, and those kids are so lucky to have their I-love-to-stay-home-and-bake mom. I suppose I was a *little* like that when my kids were babies. But now? I focus on getting through my work day, counting down the hours when the kids come home from school (aka the beginning of daily Armageddon) and then helping them with homework (and they get pissed at me for not just telling them the answers? sheesh), feeding them something (while they bitch about how it sucks) and then taking them to their various nightly activities.

I think I got a shower in there somewhere....

That said, I can honestly say that I have never enjoyed my children as much as I do right now.

Why?

For starters we can carry on a conversation together. They tell me about their day. We discuss politics, what's happening in the news, what to do about the ass wipe bully at school, what books to read next, challenging them to make choices for themselves...I love teaching my children about life. Love it. Baking cookies for them and spending the entire day/night with them, every single day? Ehhhh, not so much.

Usually it's me who eats most of the cookies anyway, especially since the cookies I bake have eyes and stare at me all day (swear to jesus), and eating them just makes my ass fat. So, kids! What would you rather have? No cookies, or cookies and a mom with a really big butt?

I bet they'd pick the cookies.

So god bless you moms who bake and adore staying home with your kids every day, truly. I wish I had a little more of you in me.

But with my kids both in school, it's made me realize how much I was trying to be the Beaver Cleaver mom, but am soooooo totally not. And, you know what? It feels good to let that go.

I like working. I like swear words, especially in combination. I like wine. And I love my kids and feel really lucky to be able raise them as best I can, while still allowing the "me" in and feeling OK about it.

Does anyone see the irony in this post and the title of my blog?

Maybe it's just me.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2011-09-23T16:31:00.003-04:00

This week's edition is not just one song but an artist. Yes, the whole artist. Because, not only is it embarrassing to like his songs but, it's embarrassing to like him. Who is it, you ask?

(Swallow)

Lionel Richie.

There. I said it. I like Lionel Richie. Matter of fact, I looove him. His songs, at least. The Hubs is definitely going to give me shit for this one.

I think Lionel is one of those love-hate type of artists - ya either love him or ya hate him. And I imagine that 99% of his fan base is 30 to 40-something housewives. In other words, total losers that wear sweats all day, drive mini vans and have horribly old, chipped pedicures.

Oh god, wait.

That's me.

No no no no. I'm much cooler than Lionel Richie's fans, right?

Right?

Wait, dont answer that.

I'm so going to turn that into a common phrase:

Ohhhhh, she is sooooo a Lionel Richie fan...

So here are my favorites. Enjoy it... or try not to puke!

Conversations with DH

2011-09-07T08:58:00.001-04:00

My husband has this new habit that drives me bonkers -- he says "we" when he means me, as in you do it.

DH: We really need to get the laundry done this week.

Me: You mean me? You mean I need to do the laundry?

DH: No, I said we. Why would I mean you? I said we.
-

Me: Just because you SAID we, doesn't mean you MEAN we. When was the last time you did a load of laundry?

DH: Four years ago?

Me: Yeah, that's what I thought.

DH: (crickets chirping)

He knows he does this, and we've even joked about this habit (which he emphatically denies lol). Has he stopped saying "we?"

Nope.

What's Your Name Again?

2011-08-24T15:43:00.002-04:00

I do not like my name. I never have. I was with my sister and her husband at Starbucks a few weeks ago and, after telling the coffee dude my name (he had to ask twice - what is it? TASHA, smart guy...ugghhhhh), I turned to my sis and asked:

Do you ever feel strange saying your own name? Like, it's almost uncomfortable?

Sister: Yes, kind of, I guess.

Her husband then turns to me and quickly nods his head in agreement. His name is Jeff. And, being the funny guy he is, when the coffee guy asked for his name, he casually said...

Paul.

So, when the coffee guy called out "Paul!" my sister and I couldn't help but giggle. I bet the coffee guy thought we were laughing at him....

I LOVE this idea of using a stage name.

To plead my case, let me give you a few examples of why my name annoys me.

- When I tell a stranger my name, I either get "Ohhh, my neighbor's dog is named Tasha! It's such a pretty name!"

Pretty enough for a dog. Uh huh.

- I thought that was a black girl's name?!

Did you seriously just say that to me?

- Before I got married, my middle name was Kay. Tasha Kay. Years back, I asked my mom...mom, why did you pick Kay? Is it a family name? Did you have a friend that you used to love and adore named Kay? Is one of your favorite authors named Kay?

You know what my mom's answer was?

Mom: No, it just sounded good.

That's it? No family significance? No loved ones? Just...sounded good?

Meh.

Here's another reason-

- I visit Panera often (I heart Panera). Once you've ordered, they ask for your name to call you when your food's ready. Most peoples' names are easily called when it's time....

"Dianne!"

"James!"

"Shaniquah!"

Then it's my turn....

"Asiago roast beef with chips!"

Aww shit, that's me.

So, from now on, I'm going to give strangers my "stage" name instead.

A name that no one will tell me their dog, cat, lizard or worm is named.

A name that everyone can pronounce....because Tasha is fucking hard, right?

Taushie?

Tisha?

Trisha?

Tara?

Mother effers.

Yes, I'm white.

Yes, I'm human.

And YES, that's my name and NO it's not short for something.

It's Tasha. Like Natasha...without the "Nah." Seriously, I've suggested this to people before.

I haven't decided what my stage name will be, but I'm open to suggestions. Preferrably something that won't make we want to kick someone's ass after I say it to them....

Shit My Kids Ruined - The Housewife's Version

2011-08-14T16:32:00.003-04:00

I wish someone would have told me that, once you have kids, you have to wait a realllllllly long time before you can have nice shit again. Like furniture, for instance.

Do you know parents with say, toddlers, that have "nice" furniture? Nice as in no food stains, scuffs, teeth marks, marker pictures, etc. on them?

Yeah, me neither.

The hubs and I went shopping for a dinning room set recently and it went kind of like this....

White padded seats? Um no, the kids will destroy that in less than a week.

Chairs that have lovely, but delicate, legs? Um, no.

Smooth, waxed table top? Fuck no. Take one fork to that top and it's ovah.

Nothing left to browse? Alrighty then...next store!

We just needed something sturdy, wood, and didn't have light-colored fabric anywhere attached to it...and preferably something that could handle a kid getting on top of it and practicing his tae kwon do on....

You should have seen the sales lady's face when I said that.

Jack uses our living room couch as a trampoline, and has even mastered a front flip on it. Sweet. You know what kind of material our couch is? Microfiber. You know why we bought that couch? Because it's easy to clean. No other reason. Just that.

I miss having nice stuff. The Hubs just bought me a beautiful new leather couch for my office (I'll show you on my next video blog!) and I've forbidden the kids to even breathe on it.

No sitting on that couch...it's MINE!

Ava, get away from that couch! Jack, no tae kwon do near that couch! It's MINNNNE! I will scream it like a banshee.

But do you think the kids listen? Nope, not really.

Not only do the kids eventually ruin our furniture, Ava thinks that everything that's mine...is hers. Occasionally I will catch her in my makeup, or jewelry, and she even strutted down the stairs wearing my hot pink undies on her head once.

Just a teensie bit awkward.

Ummm, Ava honey, you look so pretty. Now go take that off... (but I admit I was tempted to take a picture for blackmail when she's 15)

If you've read my profile, you know I love lip gloss. I have them scattered all over the house. And, for the past few years, I've had to hide them. Why? Because Ava EATS them.

The final straw was when I picked up one of the tubes, proceeded to spread it on my lips, and a bunch of cold, stinky, slimy slobber came out. Grossssssss.

Ava! You cant eat my lip gloss. It's bad for you! And it's MINNNNNNE!

But mom, it smells like food.

Great.

I wonder if poison control has ever taken a call about a girl eating her mom's lip gloss?

So I imagine the day when the kids are older, and I can buy new furniture because I like it, and not because it's sturdy and already recessed. I imagine the day when I can leave my lip gloss and earrings out without fear of never seeing them again. I imagine the day when I can walk into the kitchen and not find trash on the floor and a half-eaten waffle on my laptop.

I figure I only have about 20 more years to wait.

Deep Thoughts -- Boy Hair

2011-07-21T16:02:00.006-04:00

My five-year-old daughter gave herself her first self-haircut yesterday.

Oh great, now I'm one of those moms. You know, the mom that other moms hear about, and immediately think...

1. They're not watching their kids closely enough -- how else could a kid have enough time to cut their own hair off?

or..

2. Why is that mom letting her five year old play with scissors?

Why must we judge each other like that? But then again, I totally judged myself when my kid came walking into my office with half of her hair layered like Tina Turner's.

Oh God. I mean...ummm, uhhhhh, errrr, Ava what did you DO?

I think my jaw dropped to the floor and, after seeing my face, Ava gave me a look like "oh shit, I fucked UP."

But, instead of trying to explain to Ava who Tina Turner was, I told her something instead that I knew would freak the crap out of her -- enough so, in fact, that she would never do that again.

I told her that, if she cut her own hair, she'd have BOY hair. Ewwwwwwwww. (Cackle!) Her eyes got very wide, her lip started to quiver, and she almost started crying. Almost. I had to choke down my giggle, which came out more like a snort.

Is that bad? Am I a bad mom for traumatizing my daughter by telling her that she'll look like a boy? Boys aren't bad -- I have one that I love dearly. But if you understood my daughter, who is a total girly-girl (which is shocking to me -- I always envisioned myself with a tomboy daughter...), that telling her she'll have boy hair is MUCH more effective than showing her a picture of Tina Turner in Mad Max.

We parents have to find what works best for our family, right?

You Look Exactly The Same!

2011-07-18T13:47:00.005-04:00

Have you ever had someone, who you haven't seen in many years, hug you, pull back and excitedly exclaim "you look exactly the same!"

This phrase has always confused me.

Is that supposed to be a compliment? Or is it just a person telling you the first thing (crappy or not) that pops into their head when they can't think of anything else to say?

I just had someone tell me this a few weeks ago, and I hadn't seen this person since I was about, oh, maybe 14.

14! That was 20 years ago.

Ummm, OK, so I look the same as I did when I was 14? Well sure, I'm still the same person. Same skin tone. Same freckles. Same hair color (for now lol). But seriously? What am I supposed to say to that?

Um, thanks?

But here's the thing that I realized after I got over being annoyed....

I kinda do look the same.

Here's me at the homecoming dance, junior year. I was sweet sixteen, had a driver's license, was sleeping with a hot guy who had a motorcycle, his own apartment AND graduated the year before (and I don't think my mom still knows how many nights I snuck out to go see him heehee) and a great group of friends. Life was good in 1993.

See what I mean? OK, I have almost the same hair. But dammit, it's all highlights now! If I didn't dye my hair it would be dishwater-brown and grey.

Did I really just admit that?

I will always wear bangs, mostly because I have a ridiculously large forehead. To give you an idea of how big, one of the nicknames the asshole boys in jr high gave me was "elephant woman."

Seriously.

But I got my revenge on him about ten years later when I was thin, hot and bartending at a very cool sports bar. He was hitting on me, recognizing me from somewhere but couldn't remember where. Oh yeahhhh, I wish I had a picture of his face when I asked him if elephant woman rang any bells. Asswipe.

Anyway. So I've come to terms with the fact that I haven't changed a bit since high school (as they say...). *sigh*

But ladies, have you noticed that it takes three times as much effort...to look exactly the same?

So I'm working my ass off to keep up with my hair, my skin, my body, my teeth, my nails...to look like I did when I was 16? That just doesn't seem right.

Then again, I'm not sure I wants to see what happens if I stop caring...I might get upset when people stop telling me I look exactly the same lol.

The Housewife Crashes NYC!

2011-07-13T15:01:00.007-04:00

So to say that I've had a busy summer so far would be an understatement....

Both kids are in swimming lessons right now, Jack just started tae kwon do and The Wolf Pack was here last weekend for a visit...while I'm trying to keep up with The Hubs, work, cooking, cleaning and everything that comes with being a housewife.

Is it time for school to start yet?

No really, I'm having a pretty kick ass summer -- no complaints from me.

While The Wolf Pack was here, we decided to hop on the train and spend a quick night in New York City (since two of us had never been there before, including me). By the time we were headed home Sunday evening, we were moderately hungover, exhausted with very sore feet and had a ton of pictures on our cameras.

So thanks for everyone for hanging in there with me! School starts back up in September and then I'll have more time to blog (and I'm really looking forward to that -- for the reals!).

BTW, this is my new favorite song for summer. There's something about Katy Perry that bugs the crap out of me (I can't figure out what) but I can't resist her bubble gum, sugary pop music. Loves! Enjoy the song (see if you can catch all the cameos in the video) and try not to laugh at my NY pictures!

This was the view from our hotel room at The Strand. Very nice place and I would totally stay here again!

The Strand also had a rooftop bar with an incredible view of the Empire State Building. It was even better after dark.

Times Square, bitches! There were SO many people here. The energy of this place was overwhelming, but in a good way. I wish I could put it in a jar and take it home!

Central Park. Once of my favorite parts of the trip.

High browin' it with martinis at The Plaza. I'm a classy chick, even in places like this...(those coasters were leather. Leather, I tell you!)

Rockafeller Center and I had to stop by my employer's main office -- the NBC tower.

Grand Central Station...where's the flash mob when you need one? I almost started singing "do-a-dear" at the top of my lungs but then I decided I didn't want to get arrested....

The Wolf Pack at dinner. The food was just so-so but we had a good time. Wine pairings always make the night more fun heehee!

And you can see that the wine was starting to affect us here....

And even more here at the roof-top bar after dinner...but daym, we look hot, right? All that anti-wrinkle cream I'm using is paying off. It doesn't hurt that I've got a cute wolf lady beside me, either.

Hope you enjoyed the pictures. As I said, you'll start seeing more of me come September, in full sass-mode -- whether you like it or not!

9 Days, 7 States, 5 Hotels & 1600 Miles...Phew!

2011-06-27T14:51:00.011-04:00

Where have I been? On vacation, that's where! I'm busy trying to get through the enormous pile of vacation laundry, while catching up at work (gee, only 150 emails to sort through!) and attempt to entertain my kids since they are both out of school for the summer. Oh, and I turned 34 yesterday, too. Wow.

So while I'm catching up on that, here are a few pictures from our days on the road; 9 days, 7 states, 5 hotels and 1600 miles...phew! And nobody killed anyone while in the car. Do I know how to plan a road trip or what?

Popsicles in front of the Lincoln Memorial. The Hubs and I were quoting Forrest Gump on the way up the steps and MLK on the way back down.

The main reason for the trip: my oldest friend (we met in preschool when we were four!) got married under a big tree in the South Carolina country. Fireflies, moonshine, banjos and accordions...love it. This is one of my favorite pictures of her -- she looked lovely -- just married and she's looking at me. Her face made me cry!

After the wedding we drove into the Virginia mountains and stayed near a fun indoor/outdoor water park called Matanussen Resort. I would definitely recommend it -- we had a blast! And Jack even learned how to boogie board on their pipeline. I was so impressed with him! Cute, right?

One of the best parts about traveling around The South?

THE FOOD.

I finally got to try a fried green tomato -- something I've been wanting to taste for years. Until last week, I had never even seen a fried green tomato, much less tasted one. My review? It was GOOD. Crispy on the outside, soft and seedy on the inside. It reminded me of a fried zucchini with a much stronger flavor, but in a good way. We also sampled real sweet tea (or "swate tay" as they call it in the south), boiled cabbage, sweet potato pie, ribs, home fries, collard greens....YUM. I know I gained at least five pounds on the trip but, who the hell cares! I got to eat a fried green tomato, people! And BTW, I've totally mastered that I have to let the server know if I want sweetened or unsweetened tea when ordering -- out west, you order an iced tea and you get unsweetened. Period. There is no swate tay (giggle).

The Hubs and I finally got to show our kids how to fish; we've been wanting to do that for a long time. Such a peaceful picture, isn't it? Little did we know chaos was about to commence; this picture was taken right before we locked ourselves out of our friends' house and I almost got my eyes scratched out by a demon cat...but I'll save that story for another blog post.

My typical goofball kids. I wonder where they get that from?

Here we are sitting in front of the United States Capitol building. We were sweating our balls off that day (it was 87 and soooo muggy yuck!), but we got to tour the whole city on a trolley which gave us a nice break from the heat.

Today, The Hubs is back at work, the kids are happy to be sleeping in their own beds again and I've got leftover birthday cake in the freezer. Life is good!

Yard Wars

2011-06-08T16:21:00.009-04:00

I've met most of my neighbors. It can be a tricky thing to meet the neighbors, mostly because our homes are on an acre each and it's a long walk to the next house....yuk yuk yuk!

OK not, really. The real reason is people here mostly stay to themselves. There are lots of retired folks near us and, although they will wave back at me if I wave to them, they usually just do their own thing. No problem.

Another thing I want to mention is in Philly, fences aren't a popular item in yards. No one has a fence! When we first moved here, I swear we saw people driving down the street, their heads out the window, while they proceeded to holler and whistle out the window for someone named "Sparky!" or "Chance!" I can only assume their dog ran away.

Um, well DUH. Call me crazy but, when you don't have a fence around your yard, your dog *might* run away.

Also remember that I came from Vegas...where the best plants were the cactus and the palm trees on the strip. I suck at growing and maintaining plants. I've never had a garden. I know how to water house plants...and sometimes not even that. So, when it comes to the yard, I claim ignorance (and I don't have any damn time to learn, either, so don't suggest it all you crazy garden people!)

So anyway, our yard also doesn't have fences, so we sort of share a yard with the neighbor next to us. They're an almost-retired couple. I've only met the woman once -- when she came over to introduce herself. I think I got two (maybe three) words in. She told me how she had a master's degree in horticulture, what prestigious college her kids attend (because I fucking care, right?), that my house needed a new roof and that the bamboo in my yard would eventually take over my entire grass area. Um, thanks?

Her yard is amazing. It has fountains, beautiful flowers, perfect dirt and she is out there working on the yard ALL.DAY.LONG. Every day. But can you blame her? She has a fucking master's in horticulture.

I'm out in the yard every day, too. But I'm relaxing on my patio, basking in the sun, playing Words for Friends while my kids scream and laugh on the Slip and Slide.

There are weeds growing at the edge of my yard.

The flowers I bought to pot are still in their original plastic containers.

I even killed my grass in the spot where the Slip and Slide was....tee hee oops.

And every day, I hear my beotch neighbor rustling around in her bushes, an occasional cough, a random spray of her hose.... I imagine her peeking through her flowers, glaring at me while I sit and lazily play on my phone....while my weeds grow and the bamboo takes OVAHHHH!

I even once heard her husband talking smack about our yard. Not sure if he knew I was on my patio or not, but either way, I don't care. My yard is actually very big and very lovely. Weeds and bamboo, too. I'm just waiting for The Hubs to hear something they say about it, because he's the type that would put the smack down and yell something (hugely profane) right back at them...while I hide my face and silently snicker

But let's save that for another blog. *wink wink* By the way, those pictures aren't really our yards.

Music, Cocktails, Dancing....and Dishes

2011-06-02T15:03:00.011-04:00

In between packing lunches, driving to baseball games and keeping up with my crazy busy life (when actually, it's not my life that's busy; it's my kids and husband that are busy...I'm just the glue that holds it all together, which means I'm busy, too) I have a certain hour every day that I take for "me" time. This hour is what keeps me going and I look forward to it every afternoon.

You want to know what I do?

I do the dishes.

First let me say that I HATE doing dishes. That was my main chore as a kid -- just ask my little brother...I used to pay him a dollar to help me. Only we didn't have a dishwasher for a portion of my childhood and, once we did, it was one of those pull-it-around-and-plug-it-into-the-sink ones. Yeah, cause we were old school like that. Anyway, I hated the dishes then, and I still hate them now.

However, I have found a way that makes them fun...and so, I've created my "me" time.

My secret? I plug my ipod into my Bose speakers, turn up my Pandora station (my favorite right now is the Vast station) and...(this is the best part)....dance and sing loudly around my kitchen. I'm sure the neighbors would get quite a show if they tuned into my kitchen window every afternoon at 4pm.

Sometimes I will have a cocktail. Sometimes I will have peppermint tea. But always, I have my favorite music, dancing (which always makes me happy and burns calories, too!) and the dishes. If I'm lucky, my kids will come and join in on the dancing. And somehow, before I know it, the dishes are done, the kitchen is clean, and my day is better.

Need your own inspiration? Just to give you an even better visual, here are some of the songs I've been loving on lately.

This first one is such an uplifting, fun song. I sent it to The Hubs and he said "catchy but it doesn't have enough rage in it for me...." So funny -- he listens to old man music but he still pretends he's in a mosh pit teehee.

Good Life by One Republic

I just discovered this next song and I LOVE it. Love. Love. Love. It's gritty, sassy and it makes me want to put on my cowgirl boots and dirty dance...meow!

Ain't No Rest For the Wicked by Cage the Elephant

Here's an oldie but goodie. You know how you forget about a song, and then hear it a few years later and love it all over again? Yep, this is that song for me.

Walk Into the Sun by Dirty Vegas

Somewhere a Clock is Ticking by Snow Patrol

Get Activated by Gerling

Howlin' For You by The Black Keys

Price Tag by Jessie J

OMG It's Baseball Dude!

2011-05-17T15:53:00.004-04:00

Holy crap, you guys! I just had to share this with you --I finally was on the same field as Baseball Dude last weekend...teehee!

If you haven't read about Baseball Dude yet, GO READ NOW! It's hella funny and you'll see why I'm being so evil here.

The Hubs has been helping coach our son's team (again) this year, bless his little heart. Last Saturday at our son's baseball game, while I was sitting in my little folding chair with the other moms minding my own business, The Hubs tip toed up to me and whispered "there's Baseball Dude at 3 o'clock!"

Holy shit...really?! I learned Baseball Dude's son was on the opposing team (which had the strongest players in our boys' entire age group....I WONDER how that happened hymmmmmmm).

So I briefly pondered on how to proceed.

Should I go up to him and introduce myself?

Strut up and call him an ass wipe and walk away?

Throw rocks at him?

Accidentally wipe my boogers on him?

Or just secretly take his picture with my phone, post it to my blog and make fun of his sorry ass?

Ding ding we have a winner.

And so ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I introduce you to Baseball Dude, the biggest douchebag I have come across since I moved to Philly. (I bet he has a really small penis, too) He's in the black shirt behind the guy in white....

Will I ever see him again? Maybe. And who knows if he knows who we are, but who cares? I got my picture and my blog post, and now I'm happy. So tell me, what would you have done if you were 50 feet away from Baseball Dude?

Happy Mother's Day from The Housewife (and Ava)

2011-05-06T15:42:00.001-04:00

And here's Ava's Mother's Day video lol-

Busy....Duh!

2011-04-19T16:31:00.005-04:00

How long has it been since I've been here? Awhile, I know. And, in typical housewife fashion, I'm using the busy excuse. But hey, at least I can show you all the things I've been busy with.

I took my kid ice skating for the first time...and, let me tell ya, I was one (ridiculous) stressed out mama. Jack did great and, by the end of the birthday party, he had two bruised knees and could wobble his way around the rink. But it was cold and I kept waiting for him to fall down and break his leg...or something. But then I just had to keep reminding myself that I spent my entire childhood racing around the rollerskating rink and I'm still alive...so Jack would most likely make it out, too. Christ, I'm getting to be such a worry wart in my old age. Did I mention I'm turning 34 this summer? (swallow)

Proudly, I was again asked to cover the Walk/Run Race for the Philadelphia Red Cross this year. It was a fun morning and I even jogged the race along with everyone else! I got some great action shots and, truly, the participants are SO amazing, SO friendly and SO fun. I love this event and I am starting to adore the Red Cross. If you want to see the complete album and all of my pictures, you can visit the Philly Red Cross Walk/Run 2011 Flickr page.

My kids had their first sleepover and did fantastic! I have a friend here that has a son and daughter the same ages as my kids...so it's REALLY nice for us moms. We've traded off and plan to do it again. Kind of bizarre to me that I've made it to this stage! I've made it. I also registered my *baby* for kindergarten this fall. Wow. Such a surreal feeling. Bittersweet, but a good feeling. Phew!

I also did a small project for a dear friend's daughter in Denver, CO. She created a little doll for school and sent it to me with the request to take this doll around to places I see and take pictures of her there (reminded me of the garden gnome that you steal from some one's yard...) and then send her back with those pictures. Anyway, I think she will be pleased -- I took her to the Liberty Bell, the Betsy Ross house, Ben Franklin's grave, Independence Hall and to Ava's first sleepover. It was fun and even The Hubs enjoyed helping me!

On a personal note, I'm still feeling pretty damn lonely. I have a close friend here now (and she's from Vegas...lol imagine that), thank god, but she is moving away soon. It's so strange...I am happier than I've ever been as far as life goes...I have an amazing, devoted, very successful husband, two healthy kiddos, a great house, a pretty cool job, and a relatively easy life that I worked hard to get...no complaints here. But I'm lonelier than I've ever been. It's hard to balance those crazy emotions; but the wonderful things in my life are definitely keeping me going. I'm just trying to hold onto that 30-something perspective I now possess and remember that I will eventually have some gal pals here. Anyone want to hang out?

Anyway! That's it for now. Thanks to everyone who continues to read this crazy blog of mine.

Mid-Life Crisis? Maybe.

2011-04-01T13:58:00.006-04:00

The Hubs has been encouraging our boy, Jack, to try out skateboarding. He bought him a decent board, helmet, pads and told him to go to town. Amazingly, Jack is getting pretty good at it! This is the first sport-ish thing that we think Jack genuinly enjoys doing (he's been in baseball for a few years but, The Hubs always coaches which I think just pisses Jack off more than anything heehee). I'm very lucky to have a husband that wants to be extremely involved in our children's lives. Maybe a little *too* involved. You'll see what I mean in a mintue... The Hubs has been taking Jack to the "skate park" for a few weeks -- it's an indoor arena with half-pipes, ledges and everything else a skater would want. The best part is they have a session specifically reserved for smaller kids -- so they dont get run over by those crazy teenagers. Brilliant!

Anyway, so last weekend they went to this skate park and... The Hubs came home with little souvenier. Want to guess what it was?

Yep, his very own skateboard. Bless his heart.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: You bought what?

Hubs: (Giggles) Yep! Don't you like it?! Isn't it bitchin!?

Me: Oh lord. You just said bitchin. How much was it?

Hubs: Only a few bucks.

Me: How many bucks?

Hubs: Only 150 or so.

Me: (swallows - this is where I need to just shut my mouth and not give him the wife lecture) Ummmm, ok. You're going to break your legs, honey! How long has it been since you've been on a board?

Hubs: (laughs) This is my way of getting involved! I needed something to do while Jack skates.

Me: Uh huh. I'm not taking you to the emergency room when you break a bone, by the way.

So yes, my 40-year-old husband just bought himself a skateboard. Rock on.

Mid-life crisis? Maybe. But, as one of my friends said, at least it's not a 22-year old woman...

Or a condo in Alaska.

Or a Corvette.

Isn't he cute?

Zilch Cocktail Mixers

2011-03-27T15:50:00.004-04:00

The lovely ladies over at Zilch Mixers sent me some samples of this brilliant product and I am happy to help them spread the word. Like many housewives, I love my 5pm cocktail but, when I'm watching what I eat in order to keep my backside from getting any bigger, drinking takes a backseat. Did you know that the average margarita has 550 calories?

Ouch.

So I have a secret, ladies...I've discovered a drink mix that has ZERO calories and ZERO sugar. Can you guess what it is!?

Zilch Cocktail Mixers!

Zilch is sweetened using a tiny amount of aspartame. Did you know a can of diet soda contains five times the amount of aspartame as one Zilch margarita? This mixer is simple to make; just add water and your favorite tequila. And even better, the margaritas I made for myself (yes, I had more than one heehee) were really good....and seriously, I'm not just saying that. This mix is so good, I'd drink it even without the tequila! Even The Hubs liked them. And when a cocktail is guilt-free (meaning I'm not feeling my ass getting bigger each time I take a sip), the drink tastes even better. YUM!

So, thank you, Zilch, for making my nights a little more fun...and my backside a little smaller!

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2011-03-17T11:58:00.002-04:00

I am a big fan of 90's rap and R&B. That doesn't really sound strange but, for some, seeing a white, 30-something mom of two jam to Snoop Dog might be a little disturbing. I love me some Snoop and Dre, especially when I'm at the gym! I even have a "white girl gangsta rap" station on my Pandora (go search for it!). I was at the gym today, looking at all the other housewives around me, wondering what they were listening to right at that moment....I bet it wasn't Eazy E like I was. Hehe.

But I won't subject you to that poragraphic smut. Instead, here's one of my favorite slow jams of the 90s....

So Into You by Tamia

Tuna Bites? No Thanks.

2011-03-15T13:12:00.003-04:00

Do you ever get "sick" of food? I know this is kind of a crazy thing to be coming from me -- a foodie and food writer but, when I'm at home wandering around my kitchen wondering "what should I eat for lunch?" my lack of creativity gets annoying.

I was at the grocery store last weekend, mindlessly walking the aisles, picking up the same damn food I always get, when I came upon this new display called....wait for it.....Tuna Bites. I'd never heard of this product before, but I do enjoy a canned salmon salad (with red peppers and a soy & white vinegar dressing mmmm) about once a week. So, when I saw these little cans, I thought what the hell.

Yesterday afternoon I chopped up my romaine heart, added a few roasted garbanzo beans (straight from the oven sprinkled with a little garlic salt and olive oil - it's fantastic) and popped open my little can of Tuna Bites -- call me lame but I was kind of excited at the anticipation.

Excited about Tuna Bites? Yea, that is pretty typical of a stay-at-home housewife. We're crazy exciting, I know.

Anyway, so I popped open the can and...um, how do I say this?

Ok I'll just come right out and say it: it smelled like cat food.

It LOOKED like cat food! I was totally taken back by the shape: tuna...squares? Tuna...mush? Ehhhh, not sure about this but hey, I paid for this, so help me, I'm going to taste one.

I tasted one all by itself because, if they were gross, I wasn't about to ruin my perfectly delish salad on that bullshit. And I am not a picky eater -- I will eat almost ANYTHING put in front of me, except liver, lamb and oysters. Pretty much everything else is fair game!

But I digress....you can add Tuna Bites to that very short list. They're gross. I was chewing while trying to convince myself that it was food -- real, eatable people food. It was all mind over matter, right?

It's tuna, Tasha. Just chew it. It's not *that* bad. There are starving people in Japan!

I'm eating cat food.

Shush! This is wonderful, protein-filled tuna fish! You like it.

I'm eating cat food.

Just put it in your salad! Add some dressing! It will fill you up and make you feel healthy and satisfied!

I'm eating cat food.

Nope. I couldn't do it. I threw that cat food away. I will not being opening the second can of Tuna Bites that I bought, either. Maybe my cat, Nemo, would like it? Or maybe I should send the other can to Japan?

The Red Ball 2011 - Picture & Coverage Update!

2011-03-08T14:34:00.022-05:00

I am such a lucky foodie to be able to attend this event - I look forward to it all year. In my opinion, it's one of the best culinary events in Philadelphia, and it's all for a great cause. So sit back, relax and enjoy the show....

And try not to drool on your keyboard!

Guests bid on an item in the silent auction - there were lots of Philly-themed items, wine, jewelry and even vacations...

Do you see what I mean about ambiance? When the Red Cross calls this a BALL, they really mean it! Every girl wants to attend a ball, right?
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Here's some of my favorite shots of the beautiful people - they were everywhere...

Hurry and smile before you ride by!

Awww, doesn't my hubby look cute? Here he is waiting in line with me for the photo booth.

Cocktails + carousel = pretty darn fun

Beauty Queens! Thanks for posing, ladies!

Photo booth master...

Lovely ladies in red browsing the silent auction....

Funtown Productions had a LIVE painter! So amazing to watch this....

And my favorite people picture of them all is......

Tah-da! See, I told you! Here my proof of meeting professional poker player, Beth Shak. She was very gracious.
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And now, what I'm really here for...the food. Of course, duh!

Anyone care for some bubbly? I ADORE these glasses, so vintage. Courtesy of Barefoot Wine & Bubbly. I had two of these...heehee. Yummo!

Shrimp Creole over a hoppin' john cake with a baby collard green salad by Alpha American Tavern.

Steak slider, created by Tavern 17.

Eatible Delights Catering definitely wins my award for best/most original display of the night! Here's David K. Simms posing for me.

One of my most favorite things about this event is that the actual chefs serve the guests their food (not just the restaurant's employees). This is extremely important, people! They will watch your face closely for reactions to your bites, too. Here above it's all about teamwork for the chefs from Ristorante Panorama.

Friendly staff from Rum Bar...thanks for the smile, guys!

Mmmm, beer. There aren't many things better in life than beer. Just sayin.

Shrimp from City Tavern. You might remember that I met Chef Walter Staib
at last year's Taste of the Nation. I went and shook his hand again (not sure if he remembered me or not but he was in my favorite picture from that night).

Apple jicama salad in cucumber with tarragon dressing from Victory Brewing Company. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Yes the ball and the plate were actually spinning when I snapped this picture - so funny! The guy next to her (the husband?) looks unimpressed hehe!

Fire & Ice: sushi grade tuna, coconut milk, cilantro, aji amarillo, lime with spiced blood orange gratinee, from Max & Me Catering.

Grilled scallions and peppers...

The VIP room, baby!

Red velvet cupcakes...

Naw-lins punch, anyone? (get it?) This was really delish and such a fun idea...

My most favorite tarot card reader ever, Marilyn Sukonick-Zeff, was there. I gave her a big hug and said hello but seriously, the woman had a line around the entire room of people wanting to see her, so I let her get back to her people. Way to go, Marilyn!

Here's TLC's winner of Next Great Baker Dana Herbert's display from Desserts by Dana (you can see him on the far right behind the cakes).

Thanks to Mod Space, Dave Schrader and everyone at Red Cross for producing such an unbelievable event. All proceeds from The Red Ball directly benefit Red Cross House – The Center for Disaster Recovery, the SEPA Chapter’s one-of-a-kind short-term housing facility in West Philadelphia where hundreds of local families every year begin their recovery from fires, floods, and other disasters.

In all, the Red Ball raised $285,000, the most ever for any SEPA Chapter single day event.

AMAZING!

So that's it! I hope you enjoyed my coverage of the 2011 Red Ball. I had a fabulous time, got to meet and mingle with some great people and...that's right, bitches...I'm the media! :P

Want a copy of one (or more) of my pictures? Email me at Tasha@thehousewifediaries.com.

For more coverage on The Red Ball, 2011, visit the theredball.org or like them on Facebook.

Red Ball 2011 Picture Preview...

2011-03-06T09:42:00.008-05:00

The Hubs and I had a great time at The Red Ball last night. I even got to meet professional poker player, Beth Shak (and I have a picture to prove it). Thanks and congratulations to the Philadelphia Red Cross for such a successful evening.

To see my complete coverage of The Red Ball, 2011, GO HERE!

I have lots of goodies to share with you so stay tuned! To tide you over until then, here's just a little preview of what's to come...

Look! It's the cupcake princess with her mini (red velvet?) cupcakes! I know you want one. Courtesy of Cupcakes Gourmet.

Veracruz Shrimp: Florida rock shrimp, roast tomato, chayote, culantro, avocado and roast pineapple. Courtesy of Max & Me Catering. Delish and so refreshing!

My excuses and upcoming events -- come lookie!

2011-02-24T16:26:00.003-05:00

I appreciate those of you who continually check my blog for new posts and, to be honest, you damn people just make me feel more guilty. But I mean that in a loving way.

Not to beat a dead horse but, I've been busy. I spent an amazing weekend with some of my best gal pals in Annapolis, Maryland last weekend -- these chicks and I have 27 years of friendship under our belts. We grew up like sisters and we hadn't been together since 2004, so this was a long time comin. It was awesome...just to give you a clue...one of us bought a $1000 bling bling necklace (sober hehe!) while browsing the shops and, on our first night together, we took down 5+ bottles of wine. Did I mention there were only three of us?

Also, I need to give you the fun (and very french) update on our BFFs from France. I have pictures, stories and even a new video heehee! So stay tuned for that -- I think it will make you laugh and I'll show you a bit more of Philly.

So the most exciting part for me is that The Red Ball is in a week. A WEEK! I am so excited I might pee my pants if I think about it too much. Last year's event was in-freakin-credible, and I expect this year's to be even better. I promise to give you a full review -- with the gossip, the people, the dresses and, most of all, the FOOD. Stay tuned, bitches, because this is gonna be good. I'm still shopping for just the right dress...with lots of cleavage, hopefully. Oh, and did I forget to mention that Vin Diesel and Kevin Navayne will be mingling among the guests? Swoon! Uh huh. Maybe I'll have the balls to accidentally bump into one of them?

Are you in Philly and want to experience an incredible event for a good cause? Visit http://www.theredball.org for tickets. Hopefully I'll see you there...(and seriously, if you go, find me for a picture!).

ALSO! I still have some amazing Tupperware to give away thanks to my fabulous and gorgeous sister-in-law, Susan. You will use what I have to give away every.day. Promise.

Soooooo, as you can see, I have lots of shit to talk about. If someone hires me a nanny and a chef, I'd be writing the shit out of this blog every day. Any volunteers?

Stay tuned and I SO SO SO appreciate your continued support! :) (Did I mention that both my kids will be in school full time come this fall? Which means more time to write!)

More Deep Thoughts

2011-02-16T14:54:00.010-05:00

Is it just me or does watching Watson on Jeopardy kind of creep you out? In my opinion, it's very Terminator-ish. Or maybe 2001? Why not just call him HAL!? Creepy. Me no likey.

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Ava and I were having lunch the other day and she was eating alfredo with noodles. We were discussing the different kinds of sauces, and how some are red and some are white. She then stated:

"Alfredo is when you get really, really scared."

I laughed until I was crying, but she didn't think that was even remotely amusing. I'll never think of alfredo the same way!

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If you haven't noticed, The Housewife Diaries is now on Facebook. I'm still in the very beginning stages of setting up the page so bear with me, but this will eventually give you the opportunity to see behind the scenes pictures of my crazy-filled life, get regular updates on what I'm up to and it's a great way to share your feedback with me. I would appreciate any support you're willing to offer!

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The Hubs bought me a new car this week. I'm in looove with it. I decided that, after two really sucky and snowy winters, I needed to switch from sedan to an AWD mid-size SUV. Sure I grew up in Colorado, but after six years of living in Las Vegas, I realized that driving in the snow sucks, and that I don't have to play slip and slide with my car if I don't want to. So I broke down and bought the AWD. Naturally, it's been warm this week and all that snow is finally (FINALLY!) starting to melt. Thank God.

Happy Valentine's Day to The Hubs

2011-02-14T04:00:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day to my most favorite husband in the whole universe!

Watch Prince ~ Raspberry Beret on Fanpop

I know Raspberry Baret isn't a typical love song to send to my valentine but this song is an inside joke for us. You see, The Hubs has been wanting to buy a hat. Not just any hat, but his hat. Something cool and different that defines him. My step dad and brother both have their own hats (think Crocodile Dundee meets David Crosby - a little rustic, a little hippie) and I think The Hubs wants to join in on the fun.

So when he told me this, I told him I'd buy him a raspberry baret...the kind you find in a second-hand store, and that he'd look utterly fabulous in it. I can just picture it... hehehe!

I figured this song would make him laugh today, and even if he wont wear a raspberry baret, I still love him anyway. Smooches, Hubs!

Conversations With....Myself

2011-02-08T17:48:00.002-05:00

My kids will find a reason to fight with each other no matter what the circumstances. Tonight I made the brave choice to sit them next to each other for dinner. Typically, I sit one at the counter and one at the table. Call me a shit mom but hey, it's what ensures a peaceful, indigestion-free dinner. But tonight, I was feeling like nothing could bother me! The kids were playing quite nicely while I was cooking dinner, so they should be able to sit next to each other for a meal, right?

Right?

RIGHT?!

Ummmm, nope.

Within two bites Jack was teasing Ava about her spoon. Ava got upset and started to whine and tattle. Ok no problem. I'll scoot Jack a little farther away.

Where's that wine I was drinking?

Then Ava starts to move her hands over to Jack's plate. Why? Who the fuck knows? Maybe because she wants to wipe the booger she just picked into his plate? Jack starts to object at her hands coming near....

This is where I start to pray to the wine gods and the ghosts of parents past.

I quietly try to decide on which kid to yell at while I'm stuffing spaghetti into my mouth, trying to get a few bites in before I start to feel like throwing up rather than eating. It's a freakin wonder I'm not skinny....

While I chew my bite, I scold Ava and tell her to keep her hands to herself and move her down to the table (we're all three on bar stools at the counter). Phew, should be cool now.

Then Ava starts to cry and whine that she doesn't "like" that seat. The seat? You've sat in that seat 100 other times...why cry now? Oh right. Just because.

So Jack catches on to Ava's game and slyly moves over to the seat she was sitting in at the counter -- just to piss her off.

For the LOVE. I've only had two bites of my own dinner and the two of them have already declared WW3.

Jack, move back to your old seat. Ava, be quiet and eat your spaghetti or else you'll get no dessert (this is a big deal for her right now, which makes for great bribery).

I'm going to go bang my head against the wall now kids, carry on.

Note to self: DONT let the kids eat dinner next to each other, no matter how nicely they play beforehand.

As I said, it's a freakin mystery why I'm not skinny....

Deep Thoughts

2011-02-05T16:23:00.004-05:00

So I've decided to take the plunge and joined the gym last month. I went to the gym quite a bit when we lived in Las Vegas but, since we've been in Philly, I've been trying to ignore my extreme lack of exercise. If you want to hear about my fun times at the Las Vegas gyms, read my Gym Diaries or how I returned to the treadmill after my breast implants....

This year, the holidays came and went and I noticed that I was sporting an extra large muffin top.

Eww.

I'm not 25 anymore - that's when I could starve myself for a week and be back in my skinny jeans. These days, when I'm teetering on the very edge of my mid-30s (dear God), just maintaining my current blubber, without growing any new fat, takes some serious.effing.work. Luckily, I know this now. I'm no longer in denial that I'm not the "skinny girl" like I used to be. I'm not in denial that I cant eat whatever I want anymore. I'm not in denial that soda, ice cream and beer are no longer my BFFs.

Damn you, food!

I will admit it gets a bit frustrating that, even when I watch what I eat and pull an hour of cardio at the gym 4-5 days a week, I don't see any real change.

And sadly, the gym is my only real outlet of getting out of the house on a regular basis right now. No problem, I'm a veteran at this work-at-home-mom business and I'm grateful to have the excuse to go. I'm hoping that the opportunity will encourage my confidence to get bigger, and my ass to get smaller. And for a writer, it makes for great people watching. If I only had a tape recorder in my brain so I could remember everything I've seen while sweating off the calories. Maybe I should bring my laptop to the gym and prop it up on my treadmill while I'm power walking...

Rest in Peace, John Barry

2011-01-31T17:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday the world has lost a great composer. John Barry has put out some of my most favorite music ever. There's something special about his melodies that touches me like no other music can; I even played him at my wedding. I wonder if anyone else noticed what I was playing? I was sad to read this morning that he passed away.

Here are a few of the songs that I love the most:

Out of Africa

Dances With Wolves

Somewhere in Time

A View to Kill

Philly Pictures of the Week

2011-01-26T15:19:00.005-05:00

I love the look of admiration she has here. Don't you love the cake?

I have recently discovered a new favorite beer; it's called Yards Tavern Ale. It is based off Thomas Jefferson's (yes, the president lol) original recipe and it's YUMMO. It has a pretty high alcohol content, too, so you really only need one....wink wink.

I took this picture riding on the subway (a very scary and smelly place, btw) with The Hubs on the way to an Eagles game a few months ago, with lots of Philly-ish looking men along for the same ride. I think I was the only chick on the train and, at the game, the man-to-woman ratio was about 10-to-one. What? Ladies don't like Eagles games? It was kind of strange. There was one woman who was screaming (cheering?) her lungs out a few rows up from us, but she sounded like an 80-year old, very angry person who smoked too many cigarettes. The Hubs even whispered in my ear "imagine if that was your mom's voice..." Um, yikes. Funny though that the first thing The Hubs and I think of when we hear a loud, obnoxious female voice is our mothers. Is that supposed to mean something? Hymmmmm.

I took this at Reading Terminal Market while I was walking the aisles with my mom. I doubt you'd ever seen a sign like this in the West. Hehe. She and I even bumped into a very obvious scammer trying to say he was from out of town and needed train money. Part of his quip was "no one's nice here!" You got that right, buddy! Now buzz off and go scam someone else -- I may not look like I'm from Philly, but I can tell someone to fuck off with the best of them. I think I look pretty tough doing it, too, because no one's tried to start a fight with me yet. Yuk yuk yuk! (That's not an invitation, btw, lol)

My First Ice Storm Experience

2011-01-18T11:05:00.009-05:00

I just finished shoveling my driveway for what feels like the 100th time this season. Seriously....I feel like I shovel, and then it snows again. And then I shovel again. And then it snows again.

Damn you, Winter!

My driveway is no easy shoveling task, either. Take a look -- and this is only half of it (but I refuse to shovel the other half, my other car can just stay stuck).

But winter threw me a curve ball this morning...this newest storm wasn't snow. It was ice. An ICE storm. This is my first experience with an ice storm.

Me no likey.

So I trekked out -- not to shovel snow, but ice. Oh goodie. Look at this crap!

ME NO LIKEY!

But, in order to not to let myself get too pissed off, since I'm guessing the weather wouldn't be able to hear my bitching anyway, I started humming this song to myself and tried to appreciate the storm for what it left; because truly, the ice sparkling off the trees was amazingly beautiful. But it would have been even better if I hadn't had to shovel the shit.

Oh, and here's the best part: I don't even have a pair of snow boots, so I had to wear my cute, waterproofed, leather boots from Clark's. Don't they look smokin over my sweat pants? So hot. I can only imagine what the neighbors think of me.

No, that's not snow, boys and girls. That's all ICE.

But you know what? I don't care if I had to shovel ice. Because when I came back in, I was greeted by my sweet, baby girl...who is no longer a baby. *sniff* Today is her 5th birthday and we have some celebrating to do...

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2011-01-13T17:52:00.005-05:00

Since I'm taking a semi-break from The Housewife Diaries (yea, I just decided this but not to fear, I'll return soon), I thought I'd give you some more music that I'm embarrassed to love!

This week's theme? Sappy ballads!

Aww, come on -- everyone loves a sweet love song. Especially one sung by a man with a mullet! Yesssssss.

This first song I absolutely adore. The Hubs says this song is "for pussies." You know my answer to that?

Me: "I would totally make out with you to this song..."

The Hubs: "Um, I mean I LIKE this song. This song is awesome. This is my favorite song..."

Me: "Uh huh. I thought so."

This is one of those songs that I crank up and sing at the top of my lungs and remember the days of couple skating at the roller rink....

I'll Be Over You by Toto, circa 1986

(and remember Michael McDonald has a teensy cameo in the song!)

Hard Habit to Break by Chicago, 1984

Ok, this one I'm REALLY embarrassed to love...but I do. I know all the words and it's another one I will turn way up and sing along to (but only if no one's around and the car's windows are rolled up). This is another one that The Hubs would say "turn this crap off." I totally disagree with him -- I think Richard Marx is a brilliant song writer. Just sayin!

Now and Forever by Richard Marx, 1994

And to finish off the night, I'd like to add another "man with a mullet" tune. But one of my favorite artists I'm embarrassed to love.

Meet Me Halfway by Kenny Loggins, 1987

Quick Update

2010-12-30T13:29:00.004-05:00

I know I've been away but, let me tell you, I have had one hell of a Christmas vacation. It started the week my kids got out of school. Here's how it went:

My son got sick. Sore throat, cold, sneezing...the whole bit. The my daughter started puking. The The Hubs was sniffling and sneezing. Did I mention this was two days before Christmas?

Thank God I stayed healthy, because I was able to better care for everyone else. Son felt better for a few days, and then got worse again. I broke down and took him to the doctor's fearing an ear infection. No ear infection but he tested positive for Strep throat on Christmas Eve.

Great.

The Hubs got better. The daughter got better. The son started taking antibiotics and was feeling better. We had a nice Christmas Day.

Then, on Monday night, I forgot to give my son his second dose of Omoxicillin. We went to bed. When he woke up on Tuesday morning, he was covered from head-to-toe in the worst hives I have ever seen. Turns out, he is severely allergic to Omoxicillin, but unfortunately, his body didn't react until we were five days into the medication. I am so thankful that I forgot that dose the night before, because it could have been much worse, methinks.

The poor kid has been totally miserable and scratchy for the past two days, and I have been teetering on insanity, trying to stay strong to show him it's going to be OK, but going psycho wife on The Hubs (screaming, crying, slobbering mess....yea). I've struggled with trying to be supermom, while watching my poor boy struggle with this reaction....it's been difficult.

The hives, thank God, have finally started to subside this afternoon, and I feel like I can breathe again. And it's New Year's Eve tomorrow night? Yea, screw that holiday. I'm going to bed early! Maybe next year.

I just had to share my week. I swear this has been one of the toughest weeks I've endured as a mother, dealing with this allergic reaction and all the feelings that have come with it. And to be honest, I feel extremely lucky that this is ALL I've ever had to deal with, when so many other mothers out there must endure much more.

So I'm counting my blessings that I have two (almost) healthy children, a loving and faithful husband, and a relatively sane mind to carry into the New Year. I wish you the best in your 2011 adventures! More soon when my house has fully recovered.

Oh, and just to show you how bad the hives were, here are a few shots I took of my boy yesterday. Try not to cry (or throw up).

White Chocolate Popcorn

2010-12-20T13:38:00.006-05:00

I wanted to share one of my most favorite holiday treats I make every year for friends and family: White Chocolate Popcorn! It's the best popcorn you will ever eat -- I don't even like white chocolate but I cant get enough of this stuff. It not only tastes good but it's hella easy to make, too. If I can make it, then anyone can.

Here's what you'll need. Pretty simple, right? This year, I popped six bags of popcorn. You should have one bag of white chocolate chips for every one bag of popcorn you pop (although you'll probably have leftover chocolate -- but it's better to have too much than too little).

-1 bag white chocolate chips

-1 bag buttered popcorn

-1 large brown paper bag

Pour a bag of chips into a medium pan and heat on low. I want to stress the LOW heat, peeps -- if you see the chocolate start to harden or turn brown, lower your heat. I was able to melt the chocolate with the lowest heat my stove offered. Stir constantly. MMMM, this smells amazing...

After a few minutes, you'll have a nice, thick sauce. I like to stir all of the lumps out, but you could leave some chunks in there if you want (and if you like the taste of white chocolate by itself).

Pop you bag of popcorn. Let it cool for a few minutes. Place the cooled popcorn into your large brown bag. Then, scoop about a cup's worth of the white chocolate sauce and drizzle it into the brown bag over the popcorn. Close the bag and shake! This will distribute it evenly. Don't worry about how you drizzle the sauce -- it does a good job of getting all over the popcorn. Scoop, drizzle and shake one more time.

Then, pour glazed popcorn into a bowl to cool. Taste your work! I like to make one bag of popcorn first to test how much chocolate I want on it. Some years I've added more chocolate than other years -- it's really up to you on how much you want on. But typically, two scoops of chocolate is plenty.

This was how much I got out of six popped bags of popcorn. I was able to make 25 holiday bags with that! I sent some of the bags off with The Hubs to take to work, and I'll pass them out to the kiddos' teachers and our neighbors. Everyone loves this stuff...and I think you will, too!

Also, stay tuned to The Housewife Diaries for a special Christmas Tupperware Giveaway!

Christmas Giveaway!

2010-12-17T15:43:00.002-05:00

I wanted to do a Christmas giveaway and my lovely sister-in-law, Susan, has graciously offered up some Tupperware so that I can give you, my readers, some nice goodies. And what better thing for a housewife to give away than Tupperware!? This can be your present to YOU -- we moms spend so much time during the holidays shopping for everyone else, baking, cleaning, mailing and wrapping presents...pretty much running around like chickens with our heads cut off, that we deseve some nice things for ourselves!

Can I get an Amen?

Stay tuned for the giveaway -- I'll be telling you a little about each product and where to find them in case you want to get yourself some additional goodies. My sister-in-law sent me some to try for myself and I have used what she sent me almost every day. Every day, people! And I don't even cook (just ask The Hubs hehe!).

Check back often and tell your friends -- this isn't a giveaway to miss!

Need a Warm Up? Cruise Update!

2010-12-14T13:48:00.012-05:00

I don't know about where you are but, here in Philly, it's effing freezing, and windy. The wind was so cold that it hurt my skin. Ouchie! Get me inside!

So, to warm things up around here, I thought I'd share a few pictures from the cruise The Hubs and I took in late September for his 40th birthday. Can you taste the ocean air on your lips? Can you feel the soft, humid breeze on your skin?

I'll put some reggae music on to help us along, and let's crack the champagne...

Here's my partner in crime, and an original member of The Wolf Pack, Heather. She and her hubby came with us. This is sailing out of Jacksonville, Florida. Little did we know what was in store. See those clouds? Uh huh.
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Here's the ship's Grand Atrium. Very cool, and every deck was a different color. That's a bar at the bottom floor. And see the cheesy picture taker to the left? We did that a few times.

Here's our room -- we had the Penthouse Suite. The biggest room on the ship! Because I'm classy like that. SO glad I spent the extra money because it was totally worth it. The balcony was huge and I spent an entire afternoon out there reading. See the towel animal and the turn-down service? Awesome. I want that at my house!
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The pool, right before dinner (that's why it's empty). Yes, those are the real colors. Gorgeous.

Nassau, Bahamas with our ship in the background! There were four ships at port that afternoon. See those clouds? Yea, that's Tropical Storm, Nicole. We sailed through that. Twice. It was so bad, in fact, that our stop in Key West was completely cancelled. They just took us to the Bahamas, and once we got to shore it poured rain almost the entire time. Major disappointment. I was really upset we didn't get to see Key West! After our stop in Nassau, the captain decided just to take the long way home. So we were stuck on the boat for four days with no land in sight.

I hate to complain, because it was a cruise -- we relaxed, we ate, we drank...a lot. There wasn't much to take pictures of, except each other lol. But I tell ya, after four straight days of being on a rocking boat (and believe me, it rocked like crazy), going through pouring rain, lightning and thunder, The Hubs and I were ready to get the eff off the boat.

Who....me? Very proudly standing next to the Big Chichis sign at Senior Frogs. DH made a joke this week that my boobs look so good I should send my plastic surgeon a Christmas card every year. Ha! I'm sure I wouldn't be the first!

The weather finally cleared up on the second-to-last day. Here we are after an entire day at the pool. We were sunburned and happy after dealing with three days of rain and crazy weather. Isn't the sunset incredible?

And here's my most favorite picture from the trip -- happy in the sun with tropical drinks. And I actually look skinny here.

Ahhhhh!

Overall, we had a good time. I'm still mourning the fact that we didn't get to see Key West and that it stormed on us for half the trip. I'm not sold on cruises just yet, but I wont ever forget that trip! I'm just glad we made it out alive...and sober.

A special thanks to my big sister for watching my kiddos while The Hubs and I took off for grown-up time. I love you and I don't know what I'd do without you!

Suck It Monday! OK, I Take That Back....

2010-12-13T17:30:00.003-05:00

I was saving this for a Suck It Sunday but, after this afternoon I decided to retract the Suck It. Here's what happened...

My home address is strange. I could use three different cities -- and any one of them might work. I could use two different zip codes. On top of that, my house doesn't have a mailbox -- we have a PO Box. Evidently our neighborhood doesn't like the look of mailboxes.

Seriously. (Can you hear my eyes rolling?)

Anyway, I've been doing a bunch of Christmas shopping online this year because there's no effin way I could hit the malls and get my shopping all done with everything I have on my plate this season. I'm certainly not complaining -- mostly I enjoy being busy. But when I think of the malls at Christmas time, with two kids in tow, who like to fight with each other at every opportunity...(shudder)...yea, not going there. I'd rather go get a root canal. That's more "me time" than the mall.

(BTW, I know someone who gets a pedicure WHILE she gets her teeth cleaned. How brilz is that? Hello dentists?! Want to draw more customers? Hire a nail tech. Just sayin.)

Amazon.com doesn't like two out of the three cities I use, and so I just click the one it recommends when ordering....which happens to be the incorrect city, according to the postal service. But hell, if Amazon wont accept the other two, then I'm going with what it says. I'm not proud to say that I trust Amazon more than I trust my local postal service but, sadly, it's true.

Since I'm using the incorrect address (although I couldn't get packages shipped any other way), the mailman came to my door this week to scold me and let me know how stupid I am for using the wrong city. This is kind of how it went...

Me: Oh hello! Thanks for delivering! (this is where he doesn't say hello back but just stands there glaring at me). Umm, yes? Do I need to sign something?

Postal Dude: You're using the wrong city. You're not ___, you're ____.

Me: But, but....I tried that city and the online shippers dont accept my address!

Postal Dude: I do not deliver to this___ city. I am doing this for free....I dont work by the hour! I work by box! I am not in your city!

This is where I start to put up my emotional wall. I'm frustrated, so I try to explain that I attempted to put the correct address, but it wouldn't accept it.

Postal Dude: You need to get a box!

Me: But the websites wont accept the address.

Postal Dude: I do this for free! I dont have to do this -- I should return this to sender.

Ok, let's stop here. I am frustrated. He is frustrated. Ava is there at the door with me, pulling at my shirt asking what's in the package we're arguing about. I change my strategy...

Me: I dont know what else to do....I will try to figure this out so you dont have to come here anymore. I will leave you a big Christmas tip next time you come. I will call the post office. I'm just ordering presents for....sniff...my children. My kids can't get presents without this!

Here I realize I'm being a bit dramatic but, daym, I'm feeling idiotic (are the neighbors watching this?) and dont know how to fix it. I'm kind of in shock that this mailman is still standing on my front porch, continuing to argue with me. It's been about 15 mintues since he arrived.

As soon as I mention my kids...the tears start to well up. Shit. I dont need any tears right now. But alas, they come anyway. I'm not sobbing, but it's obvious to him that my voice is starting to quiver. He continues to argue, but I step back and tell him that I really, really appreciate him delivering to my home when he isn't paid to (and I am) and slam the door in his face.

Thank you, I'm really grateful....thank you....SLAM! Heehee. I dont need to go balling to the mailman for Christ sake.

Then, I sob to myself a bit and then remember to breathe. It's just a fucking package, Tasha. Get over it. There are people all over who can't afford presents at all.

I suck it up, and decide to give him that big tip. Although he argued with me, he is delivering without the pay.

Yesterday, he rang the bell again and I didn't answer -- for fear that I would get another delivery, and another lecture.

Today he came by again, only this time he didn't ring the bell. He simply left my package, with the incorrect city on it again, with a card that said:

I apologize for the misunderstanding about the packages. I will continue to deliver your packages at the house. Happy holidays!

Then he signed his name -- his first AND last name.

*Sigh* It really warmed my heart. It reminded me that the holidays are not about packages, or correct city names, or presents that my kids may or may not get. It's about the spirit of the season, showing kindness to others, and appreciating what I already have.

And so, I don't want to tell my (not!) mailman to Suck It, I want to tell him THANK YOU for taking extra time to come to my house...and thank him for his patience and graciousness. It didn't go unnoticed.

Deep Thoughts - Because I'm an Idoit

2010-12-09T09:16:00.005-05:00

It's been cold in Philly. Damn cold. I forgot how much I loathe freezing my ass off.

Have you ever used an ice scraper? Why is it that, when I'm standing outside freezing my ass off, the scraper only removes a sliver of ice with each stroke? I'm mean, come ON, the scraper has this long, wide edge but 75% of it doesn't actually scrape any ice off...so I have to scrape over the same spot ten times. Scrape! Nope. Scrape! Nope. Scrape scrape scrape! Damn! Nope. And then I'm left with a half-cleared windshield with stripes of ice going across it. After a few minutes if this, I get so cold I decide I've scraped enough, get in my car, and attempt to peek through the stripes hoping I can see the road.

Right.

So why didn't I think ahead and just start my car a few minutes early? Because I'm an idiot, that's why.

Why is it that manufactures fill juice boxes so full that when I go to put the straw into the foiled hole, juice immediately squirts all over my hands? In this day and age, can't they figure out a solution for that?

Or how about the Yoplait yogurts...those lids are on so tightly that, I have to sternly grip the container to get the lid off, which then makes the yogurt explode all over my hand, my shirt, and anything else that's within four feet of it. The thing is, I know the yogurt's going to spray, and yet I continue to open it the same way, swearing at it after it sprays me with yogurt. Why do I do this to myself? Because I'm an idiot, that's why.

Same goes for the Campbell's Chunky Soup lids. I have to peel the metal lid off, and usually it's when I attempt to go slowly and carefully that I and up spilling the soup, spraying the soup, getting the soup all over myself and the counter. And if I'm really lucky that day, I'll cut myself on the edge of the soup lid. Awesome.

This was just today, people.

So my hands have hypothermia from scraping the car off, I have yogurt on my sleeves and soup on my shirt, and my finger is bleeding because I cut it on the soup can lid and it's only 9am. I wonder what the rest of the day will have in store?

Busy Head Days

2010-12-01T16:42:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have busy head days?

You know, one of those days where you're not necessarily running lots of errands or have a big to-do list but, more like you have a lot on your mind and your brain is whirring like crazy?

So your brain does a pretty good job at processing all those thoughts until around 4pm, when it decides it's had enough and just sort of shuts down on you?

Your husband could say this to you: Honey, I'm hungry...when's dinner?

But your brain translates it to: Beh boobe bobleh bitboo billbah?

I'm sorry...what? My husband might as well be speaking Japanese.

I had one of those yesterday. I love being a wife and a mom, but sometimes having the weight of taking care of the husband and kids, working a full-time job, trying to keep up with the family calendar, activities and laundry, doctor's appointments, dinners, sibling fights etc. can take a toll on my brain. I call those Busy Head Days.

I work really hard to stay in the moment, and stay alert to what I'm doing (driving? ok don't run over the curb...) and stay on top of what's going on around me. (Didn't I have something going on this week? Oh yea...I have guests coming for a visit. Crap!)

But it's nice, after the kids have gone to bed and the day's work is done, when I can put on my fuzzy PJs with stars (and a stain on the boob - sexy, I know), lay in bed....and just stare at the wall.

You ever have those "I just want to freakin lay down and stare at the wall" nights?

Feels good, doesn't it? I love it when I get to do that.

Sorry honey, I'm not going to stay up for dessert with you. I'm going to go stare at the wall....

I think every mom should be allowed at least one stare-at-the-wall nights a week, don't you? Maybe we could start a club. I'll bring the appetisers and wine, we can speak Japanese to each other for awhile and then stare at the wall together.

Sounds awesome, right? Who's in?!

Guess Who's Coming to Visit?

2010-11-22T10:34:00.002-05:00

OMG, you guys. I'm so excited. You'll never guess who's coming for a visit next month!

The Hubs and I plan to show them what Philly has to offer and fill them up with lots of cheesesteaks and soft pretzels. MMMMM

Don't worry, I'll get a nice interview in for y'all. Any questions you'd like me to ask? Remember he'll answer them in french for you heehee! And thanks Pierre and Anne-Marie for letting me parade (brag about) you to all my American Housewives. I have no shame!

Cant wait!

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-11-19T13:24:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why I should be embarrassed about this song because....this song rocks! I love it. Always have. It makes me wanna go get my keytar from 1986 and play along!

On a side note, this song brought on one of the funniest movie lines of all time from The 40 Year Old Virgin:

"If I have to hear 'Yamo Be There' one more time, I'm going to 'Yamo' burn this place to the ground".

Yessss! What's a "Ya Mo", anyway? Enjoy, bitches, and happy Friday!

Yamo B There by James Ingram
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What Day is it?

2010-11-18T14:57:00.004-05:00

I've been trying to keep up regular blogs but this week I have been slammed at work.

Slammed how, you ask?

Slammed like I sit down at my computer, log in, start concentrating on the dramz, realize my eyes are starting to cross...and it's four hours later.

Wait! What? What just happened? What time is it? What DAY is it? Monday? No. Shit. Do I have kids? Where are they? Oh yea, wait...they're at school. Was I supposed to pick them up? Did I feed them today? Homework. Dinner. Brush teeth. Oh...it's time for bed now? Oh, ok. Good night.

Yep. That's about how my days have gone this week. Ugh.

And next week is Thanksgiving. I've been freaking out that it's already here already but hey, I'm also looking forward to it. I've got some fun plans in store. More on that later -- you'll love it. Trust me.

So here's what else is coming up on The Housewife Diaries if you're patient enough to wait for it (and I wouldn't blame you if you'r not lol):

-The cruise update. Remember that cruise I went on in September? It was only two months ago...not that long ago, shah!

-Jack's learning how to 'do' his hair now that he's become aware of his appearance. So cute! I told him he could start using the gel in my bathroom. He went and got it himself...only what he thought was gel was actually something else -- and used it. I wont tell you what he put in his hair just yet, though. You'll have to wait for that.

-Last but not least, I think I'm going to put up some of my opinions on trying to find a pediatrician in Philly. I typically don't like to post anything too serious or personal about myself, partly because I don't need the judgement, and partly because I like this blog to be light-hearted and fun! But I think it's time, and I want to show other parents out there what I've been dealing with. Because when I find that I'm not alone from other blogs I've read who have put themselves *out* there, I'm ever so grateful for that. I think it's time that I pay it forward. So watch for that (and have your popcorn ready).

Conversations With Ava

2010-11-14T10:47:00.005-05:00

Ava: "Mom, can I have one of those burrito crackers?"

Me: "What?"

Ava: "Moooommmmm! You know? Those crackers....the burrito crackers."

Me: "Ummmm...." But in my head I'm thinking what the hell are you talking about, child? What the hell is a burrito cracker? I'm quickly scanning my thoughts, trying to come up with what she means

Ava: "Will it have a letter in it, too?"

Me: "Show me what you mean. Do you know where the (snicker) burrito crackers are?"

Ava nods and walks me to the kitchen. She goes to the pantry and ....

Me: "Ohhhhh, a fortune cookie?"

Ava nods in agreement. "That's what I said, mom! A burrito cracker with a letter in it."

Gotcha. Of course. A burrito cracker. How could I have missed that one?

Things That You Only See in Philly

2010-11-11T14:46:00.008-05:00

Is that George Washington? Hope he doesn't lose his wig!

World's largest clothespin -- and yes, it actually works. Just in case Paul Bunyan needs to hang his wash out to dry.

Ok, this isn't limited to Philly, but before I moved here, I had never even heard of Tastykake. Like tomato pie, I don't get it. But Tastykake is very popular among the Philly folk.

Random Act of Culture - Flash Mobs

2010-11-08T15:15:00.005-05:00

I came across a video by accident and I was so moved by its purpose, I had to share it! I'm just sorry I missed the event...it must have been absolutely incredible.

I've been in this Macy's a few times, and it holds The Wanamaker Grand Court Organ, which is the largest operational musical instrument in the world. Here's a picture I took of it when I first moved to Philly:

Have you ever heard of a flash mob (click to watch my favorite one!)? I love love love them! One of the biggest was done for Oprah by the Black Eyed Peas.

So here is the newest in flash mobs -- it's called "Random Acts of Culture" and Philadelphia was lucky enough to get one.

From the video's description:

On Saturday, October 30, 2010, the Opera Company of Philadelphia brought together over 650 choristers from 28 participating organizations to perform one of the Knight Foundation's "Random Acts of Culture" at Macy's in Center City Philadelphia. Accompanied by the Wanamaker Organ - the world's largest pipe organ - the OCP Chorus and throngs of singers from the community infiltrated the store as shoppers, and burst into a pop-up rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's "Messiah" at 12 noon, to the delight of surprised shoppers. This event is one of 1,000 "Random Acts of Culture" to be funded by the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation over the next three years. The initiative transports the classical arts out of the concert halls and opera houses and into our communities to enrich our everyday lives.

Imagine walking through Macy's, minding your own business, and then you start hearing this? Those people standing around aren't average shoppers - they're professional singers. And although it's not as exciting as a dancing flash mob, the acoustics and singing must have been incredible -- that's not a recording you'll hear -- it's 100% live and in person. Watch the video below to see (the end is the best part!).

I'm the Slave Driver!

2010-11-04T15:13:00.004-04:00

Want to know what one of the best things about my kids getting older is?

CHORES.

Along with a few other things like being able to dress themselves and wipe their own butts, CHORES are one of the Best.Freakin.Parts. about being a parent right now.

Sure, chores sucked when I was a kid -- I had to dust the house, vacuum, clean the bathroom and do the dishes every night. I felt like a slave! Oh moooommmm, can't I just SKIP it this week? My mom would pretty much tell me to shut up and get to work.

But now...hehehe...it's MY turn to be the slave driver. Yessssss.

Ava is still learning - she thinks that throwing herself on the floor and screaming is going to get her out of it. She hasn't figured out that her mom is the slave drivahhh! Um yea, that Satan act ain't gonna work around here, girlfriend. I just tell her if she doesn't clean her room, she has to move out. That's worked so far, but I'm brainstorming notes on what I'll tell her when she figures that she doesn't have to pack up her room and live in the backyard.

Jack, on the other hand, is pretty good about chores. Oh god, did I just jinx myself? He (amazingly) doesn't mind cleaning. You should see his room -- it's perfectly organized, always picked up, and everything is in its place. He's been like that since birth. I don't know where it comes from -- he didn't get it from me, and The Hubs isn't OCD about cleanliness, either. I think it's just Jack. I'm not complaining. I tell him every Sunday when "it's time" and, if I'm lucky, he'll just say "ok" and go to it. I pay him a dollar a job.

What I enjoy the most about chores? That I don't have to clean the whole freakin house by myself anymore. Whooo! The Hubs helps out on Sundays, too, so sometimes I will just stand there and listen to the rest of the family...cleaning...dusting....vacumming....and oh my god....it's not me doing it? I have help?

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, for allowing my kids to grow up to the age where they can wipe their own asses and clean their rooms. God is great.

Amen.

Parp!

2010-11-03T05:00:00.002-04:00

What is Parp, you ask?

I wanted to share with you what is possibly one of the funniest comic blogs I have ever read. It's called Hyperbole and a Half. A 20-something girl in Bend, Oregon writes it -- she portrays herself as a silly, stick-ish cartoon figure and has an amazing way of showing wide personalities and emotions like nobody's business through her stick-figure faces.

Parp! It's my new favorite word. Read The Party and you'll understand. One of the newest posts, The God of Cake, is also freakin hilarious. It's charming, silly and just plain fun. Enjoy it, and try not to pee your pants.

Willpower

2010-11-01T12:51:00.002-04:00

I will not eat the candy. I will not eat the candy. I will not eat the candy. I will not eat the candy. I will not eat the candy. I will not eat the candy. I will not eat the candy!

Hymmmm, that Twix is looking awfully tasty...

The Lucky 13 From the American Red Cross

2010-10-30T05:00:00.003-04:00

Ghouls and goblins will take over the night. But even scary creatures need to be safe and celebrate Halloween right. Halloween’s greatest hazards aren’t vampires and villains, but falls, costume mishaps and automobile collisions. The American Red Cross Southeastern Pennsylvania Chapter wants your family to have a safe Halloween so they’re providing these tips, the Lucky 13:

1. Map out the route that you plan to roam, so
adults are assured you will find your way home!

2. From the bravest of superheroes to the noblest
of knights, everyone should remember to bring
their flashlights!

3. If you visit a house where a stranger resides,
accept treats at the door and, please, don’t go
inside.

4. When you get ready to put on your disguise,
use face paint instead of masks, which will cover
your eyes.

5. Always remember, before you embark, to wear
light-colored clothing to be seen in the dark!
(And remember to use reflective tape, even on
bikes, and brooms and the edges of your cape!)

6. Whether you walk, slither or sneak, do it on
the sidewalks and not in the street.

7. As you roam through the neighborhood collecting
your treats, please look both ways before crossing
the street! (And speaking of streets, the corners
are the place for trick or treaters to cross no matter
their pace.)

8. Wigs, capes and costumes are flammable attire,
so avoid open flames to prevent a fire!
9. Use a glow stick instead of a candle so your
jack-o-lantern isn’t a safety gamble!

10. You may fly on a broom or a space ship from
Mars, but please be on the lookout for drivers in
cars! (Between parked cars is no place to hide,
be sure that you’re seen whether you’re a clown
or a bride.)

11. Monsters and zombies should stay off the lawn,
and only visit homes with their porch lights
turned on!

12. You may be dressed as a werewolf, a cat or a
frog, but be cautious around strange animals,
especially dogs.

13. Have a grown-up inspect your candy when you’re
done trick-or-treating to remove open packages
and choking hazards before eating.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

A Philly Fall Season

2010-10-28T14:14:00.007-04:00

I have been thoroughly enjoying the Fall season here in Philly. Even Denver (where I grew up) doesn't have a regular Fall -- usually it's warm, and then it snows and all the leaves are gone. And then it's 80 the next day. And then it snows again. There's no real middle. Anyone who's lived in Denver knows how erratic the weather can be. You can thank the Rocky Mountains for that.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of my favorite things about my first Autumn in Philly.

This first thing isn't really "Autumn" related, but it's a popular treat among the Philly folk. Recognize it? To me, it looks like a piece of pizza that someone forgot to put cheese on. Um, nope. It's not supposed to have cheese...it's called tomato pie. Ok, it might have a little sprinkle of Parmesan on it but, seriously, the cheese is the BEST part of a pizza pie -- in my very humble opinion. Obviously not everyone agrees. Sometimes people here won't even add in the "tomato" part when they mention it -- they'll just call it a "pie".

Pie, to me, has sugar and apples or cherries and preferably vanilla ice cream on it.

Anyway...

My girlfriend recently offered me some of her pie to take home after a party (the tomato kind lol). I like to call it "sauce pie"... my son Jack thinks that's funny...because that's what it is, right?
-
Ava loves sauce pie, but then she eats almost anything. I had a slice. It was pretty good. I could taste the Parmesan, which was nice. The absent cheese made the flavor of the sauce come out, and luckily, it was a delicious sauce. And so, I learned about tomato pie after moving to Philly. Do they have tomato pie in the West?

Nope.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, my kids and I really appreciate the colors changing in the leaves. Living in Vegas, my kids never had the oportunity to play in fall leaves.

Here they are above on a warm, weekday evening playing together - and they never - ever - play together, so this is good stuff, people!

The boy wants to be a ninja and, since my girl is still young enough to allow me to pick her Halloween costumes (evil laugh), I asked her if she'd like to be a Broncos cheerleader. It took a little convincing but, once she saw the costume, she happily obliged my request. How cute are they? Cant wait to take them trick-or-treating! I might even sneak a Margarita into a plastic cup while we walk. Moms need to have some fun, too -- just don't tell my neighbors. Tee hee!

Speaking of the Broncos...their last game was the biggest embarrassment of the year. I'm almost positive some neighbors will be reminding us of that game when they see the girl's Broncos costume. Maybe I'll bring some eggs in my pocket, just in case.

I had to show you this picture -- it makes me laugh every time I look at it. Ava is in that weird stage where she will smile all day long, but once I put a friggin camera in front of her face and tell her to smile, she turns into psycho-I-want-to-eat-your-brains-and-I-forgot-how-to-smile-for-real face. Gotta love it. Even SHE laughed at the picture. "Mom, what am I DOING?!"

You got me, girlfriend!

Dear Feet,

2010-10-25T13:27:00.005-04:00

Dear feet,

Why must you be so large? You make my shoe shopping ridiculously difficult, to the point where I hate shoe shopping.

Gasp! I know - aren't all chicks supposed to love shopping for shoes? Well not me.

Why?

Because I wear an 11.

Yes, you read that right...ELEVEN. Actually, I'm a perfect size 10.5, but finding a pair of 10.5 shoes is like finding a fucking diamond in your backyard.

It doesn't happen.

So I'm stuck with loving a pair of shoes, only having to put them back on the shelf because they don't have anything bigger than a 7.5. *sniff*

Here's how it goes...

Ohhhhhh, LOOK at these. (As Sarah Jessica Parker says in Sex and the City...) Hello lover!

Find the shoe dude. Ask for a size 11. He stops, his eyes go wide, he stares at me like I've just told him I'm an alien from the planet Vulcan. Yes, that's right....an ELEVEN. *sigh*

He politely goes to the back of the store, even though he already knows they don't have my size. Once he's back there, instead of searching for the shoe, he's most likely having a smoke or restroom break, or picking his nose and snickering that he's waiting on a chick with some big-ass feet.

Shoe dude returns.

"No, sorry ma'am, we don't have that size." He's trying to look sympathetic. "All we have is a 10...?"

Um yea, a 10 is not going to fit my foot. Nice try, though.

Ok then, (I pick up another shoe) do you have this shoe in an 11?

"No."

Ok, how about this one?

"No."

No? Darn, ok....oh, I like this one, too. Maybe this one?

"No."

Mother effer! You must have some shoe in a size 11!? This is where I begin imagining running to the back of the store so I can start throwing shit and shoes around while screaming "Size elevennnnn! Size elevennnnnn!"

But I do the lame thing instead by thanking the shoe dude and leaving the store. I've even tried shopping Zappos.com, which has a huge selection.

Here's how that goes...

Pick your shoe style: Boots - 2000 choices!

Pick your price range: $100 to $200 - 1000 choices!

Pick your color: Brown or Black - 500 choices!

Pick your size: 11 - oh damn! 3 choices.

Uh huh. I HATE shoe shopping.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-10-21T12:57:00.002-04:00

I'd rate this up there with Tik Toc and Sexy Bitch -- I can't help but love this dance-worthy bubblegum nastiness! The beat must be completely annoying to most people, but this song and its lyrics brings out the 21-year-old in me, and it makes me want to get up and dance like I'm in a club and it's 3am.

Um yea, that ain't gonna happen but I can pretend. I'm a 30-something, tired, borderline insane, work-at-home housewife....who likes to dance. Throw me a bone, will ya?

Also, watch for the singer's piercing above her upper lip. And freaky as it may sound...I kinda like it. Did you know that's called a "Hitler Piercing"? I just learned that the other day. Gee, I feel smart now.

If you think the song sounds like fingernails down a chalkboard, no worries. I understand. But this song's only meant for all my old lady housewives who wish they had the energy (but don't) go dancing at a club until 3am...

I'm even including the lyrics below because there's lots of fun swearing and inappropriate content. I gotta get my curse words and offensive fun somewhere...

DJ, DJ, DJ

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henny XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce

They call me Dev
I ain't yo average bitch
I'm in the club every weekend
On some sav ass shit

And now I ain't too pretty
To slap a hoe
So all you girls actin' shitty
Better hit the back door

Where the guy, where he at
I think I saw him in the back
I think we're outnumbered, fuck it (fuck it)
I got a baseball bat (I got a baseball bat)

Where the hell am I gonna catch a man like that
Put his number in my hand like that
Ripped it up like I didn't give a fuck
And I didn't give him a chance like that

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henney XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce

Ridin', in the saucy whip
Never give a fuck it don't cost me shit
I'm a gangster baby, just kidding
Oh. No. She. Didn't.

Can't do it like me (Uh uh)
Nah, can't do it like me
Nah, nah nah nah, can't do it like me
I bet you wish you can do it like me

Poppin' bottles in the ice (in the ice)
Like a blizzard (like a blizzard)
When we drink we do it right
Gettin' slizzard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride)
Like Three 6 (Three 6)
Now I'm feelin' so fly
Like a G6

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henney XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce

Poppin' bottles in the ice (in the ice)
Like a blizzard (like a blizzard)
When we drink we do it right
Gettin' slizzard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride)
Like Three 6 (Three 6)
Now I'm feelin' so fly
Like a G6

Like a G6
Like a G6
Now I'm feelin' so fly
Like a G6

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henney XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce (bounce!)

Things on the Creep-Factor Scale

2010-10-18T13:00:00.001-04:00

I have a little game I play with myself. I like to put things on my creep-factor scale. Here's a few of my favorites and where they stand.

Babies who read. Have you seen those commercials with the eight-month-old baby reading words and books? If not, go here to see it. Ok, first of all, what kind of parents feel the need to have their little baby read? This isn't fucking Harvard....the kid is one year old. Give the kid a few years to be a kid for fuck's sake. Creep Factor: 8

Levi Johnston posing nude. I know this is old news but, unless you've been living under a rock for the past two years, you know that Levi Johnston is Bristol Palin's baby daddy. He's taken every opportunity to blast Sarah Palin and even posed naked on the side. The kid is barely over 18 and the nekid pictures show him in the shower, towel over his ding dong, and water dripping off his body. Looking at the pictures gave me this gross, uncomfortable feeling like accidentally seeing my younger brother naked....gag. Creep Factor: 10+

People who sit/stand right next to you in an empty movie theatre, elevator, bus or otherwise. My big sister and I have a joke about this -- why do people do this? There's plenty of space to sit, why must someone sit right next to another person when there's ten million other seats around? Creep Factor: 7.5 (and totally annoying)

Speaking of Levi...

Bristol Palin trying to look "sexy" on Dancing With the Stars. Ok, god bless her for having the balls to do this, but watching her dance makes me so incredibly uncomfortable I want to turn away. It's like watching a 7th grade boy at his first dance. Yikes. Creep Factor: 4

Facebook Stalkers. Do you know the type? The Facebook friend that has to comment on EVERY single one of your pictures, Wall posts, friends' Wall posts, friends of friends' wall posts, and everything in between? Sure, I like to hear what my friends are thinking but...go clean your house for awhile or something and get off my page. Creep Factor: 6

My Month In Pictures

2010-10-15T14:51:00.012-04:00

Fall is finally upon us! I have to keep reminding myself that we haven't experienced a fall "season" in six years -- since before we moved to Las Vegas in 2003. The trees are stunning! This one's in my backyard.

--------------------------------------------------

A picture from one of the freelance jobs I did last weekend. Take note, ladies. Chunky rings are IN right now!

-------------------------------------------

Go Phillies! (see the flag?) Yes, I admit it. I think I'm becoming a Phillies fan. You won't ever see me rooting for the Eagles, though. Just sayin.
--------------------------------------------------------

The Hubs enjoying the balcony on our first morning of the cruise. More on that later...
------------------------------------------

My boy, Jack, just got his first real camera. Here's one of his "test" shots. Ava's got food in her mouth and I am shiny and broken out after a long day of being mom. This is my life 99% of the time, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It doesn't make for very pretty pictures, though.
---------------------------------------------

The Hubs took Jack to a Phillies game a few weeks ago and they had seats right behind the visiting team's dugout. They managed to catch FOUR foul balls. How they did that, I will never know. They gave one ball away and came home with three. The kid doesn't even know how lucky he is!
-------------------------------------------

One morning a few weeks ago I was sitting in my kitchen, having coffee, with the screen door open. I kept hearing this funny sound...tap tap tap! What is that? Tap tap tap! It was feet -- lots of them. Running right by my house: a local 5 & 10k race, and the route was my street! So the kids and I grabbed our shoes and ran out to clap them on...in our pajamas. It was a fun morning and I think the runners appreciated it, too -- we got a lot of friendly waves and smiles from them (which is kinda unusual for Philly folk lol). Maybe one day I'll do another one of those races myself...

My Daughter Has Turned Into Satan

2010-10-11T15:14:00.003-04:00

I used to have a daughter who was sweet, easy going, funny as all heck and had the most charming personality I've ever seen a four-year-old possess.

Then she turned into Satan. I dont know exactly when shit hit the parental fan, but the shit's been flying all over my house for a few weeks now.

Now I have a daughter who whines, screams, scratches, kicks and bites and has the balls to - not only hit her older brother - but hit ME, too. The first time she hit me I was so stunned I think I just stood there in shock.

I will gently tell her "No Ava, you cannot have another cookie." And within half a second she has thrown herself on the floor and is writhing, kicking, screaming and wailing like a possessed animal with Satan himself inside of her. The noises that come out of that girl's mouth are mind boggling.

Ava had a tantrum the other day and The Hubs and I just stared at each other in disbelief with our jaws hanging open. What? Who is this child? Where did Ava go? Who is this spawn of Satan? She's almost five...she's never thrown tantrums like this...ever.

Until now.

The worst thing she's ever done in her life is pick on our cat. Now? She bites. She scratches. She kicks. She makes dying animal sounds that would scare any random neighbor that might come to the door. "Oh that noise? Oh, no, we're not watching The Exorcist, that's just my daughter...she's mad...don't mind her..."

She used to play jokes. And giggle. And sing. And charm anyone who spoke to her.

Now I'm lucky if I get a "yes, mom" instead of a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Oh dear God.

Don't you love it when your kids pull that crap out in public? It's like you want to be firm, but you know others are watching you. So you go back and forth in your head between wanting to punch a wall vs smiling and acting like the perfect, patient mother? At least I do.

"Now Ava honey, you know it's not ok to act like that..." All the while, I'm wishing I could throw up, slap my forehead and scream "WHY ME!!!??"

I thought I'd gotten lucky with Ava. She was my easy-going child.

Ummmmm, nope. Nice try, Tasha.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-10-05T05:00:00.003-04:00

This week's theme? 80s songs! Come on, girls. We all know we have them.

Here are mine.

Don't laugh. Ok, go ahead and laugh.

"If You Were Here" by The Thompson Twins. Remember Samantha, sadly standing at her sister's wedding, after everyone had left her there, this song starts to play...and there's Jake Ryan waiting for her with his red Porsche. *Swoon*

"Forever Young" by Alphaville. This is one of those songs that my husband hears and says "Oh god, what IS this shit?" But seriously, it's an excellent song. The video is completely ridiculous but, hey, they can't be perfect with a name like Alphaville anyway, right? (Did you know Jay Z redid this song? It's soooo not the same but not half bad, either.)

"No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper. I remember seeing Rocky IV in the theatre when I was about eight. I loved it - looking back now, I have no idea why an eight-year-old girl would like this movie but...whatevs! I did! This song was my favorite part, and I still listen to this song when I'm working out.

Plus, my husband and I have been screaming Ivan Drago's (the Russian boxer) movie lines at each other for the past ten years.

"He's not human. He's like a piece of iron."

"If he dies, he dies!"

"I must break you."

"Yatzebya! Yatzebya!"

And unless you're an insane Rocky fan like The Hubs and me, none of those quotes will make any sense to you. It's ok. Not everyone can be as cool as me.

"I Wanna Go Back" by Eddie Money. I LOVE Eddie Money. Love love love him. The keyboards and sax solos...the reminiscent lyrics....the hair. Need I say more?

I'm back!

2010-10-03T09:52:00.003-04:00

I'm back! Did ya miss me? I feel like I've been away for an eternity.

We arrived back in Philly late yesterday afternoon and today I am doing my best to decompress.

But I still feel like I'm swaying back and forth on the ocean. Seriously. Why do I still feel like that? I don't thing my brain has gotten off the ship yet.

Anyway! I'm trying to unpack and catch up on some laundry. Don't you love washing bedsheets? You know how the drier has a knack for wrapping the sheets up into a little, tightly-knotted ball of damp mess? How does the dryer DO that? I have to pull them out....unwind...untangle (it takes me a good 10 minutes methinks)...swear at them a few times...and then return them to the dryer every 30 minutes - for half the day - in order to get them 100% dry. I've even been known to say "eff it" and put them back on the bed damp. The Hubby will get in and say "Is this bed wet?"

Um no, honey....it's just...cold. Yea. The sheets are cold. Of course it's not wet! What kind of housewife do you think I am?

See, I can see you nodding your head. Only housewives know shit like this.

I'm also desperately trying to catch up on emails - I only had 80 in my personal box. Not too bad. But I had over 150 in my work box. Ahhhh, crap. That's going to take some time to sort through. Bring on the coffee!

And gee, I only have to go grocery shopping, clean the house, do 10 loads of laundry and get a present for an upcoming birthday party later this week. No sweat, right?

Um, yea. Right.

At least I'm sporting a great tan from hanging out at the ship's pool all week. I'm sure the people at the grocery store will appreciate my tan. And I have over a pound of ground, Dunkin Doughnuts coffee in the kitchen, ready to go.

Gotta think positive.

So give me a few days and I'll be back full swing. I have lots to share about the cruise - there were some unexpected bumps along the way, but then this wouldn't be my life if there weren't. In the meantime, here's a little teaser picture to tide you over. This is The Hubs and me at the pool on one of our sunny days....

TTFN!

The Sun, The Beach & The Waves Are Calling...

2010-09-24T15:58:00.003-04:00

My husband and I are off to enjoy the sun, the sand, the surf...and the pina coladas. Can't wait to get on the plane!!! I've been watching youtube videos all day and listening to reggae music, just to get myself in the mood.

Oh, and dont try to come and TP my house while I'm gone. My sister is staying here and she's 6'3" and in the best shape of her life...what does that mean? She'll chase you down and kick your ass.

*wink wink!*

Here's one of my favorite videos I came across. Enjoy your week and see on the the flip side, bitches!

Strange and Funny Things About Philly

2010-09-20T09:41:00.002-04:00

1. The "end of the world" sirens. Do you know the ones I'm talking about? I hear these whooooooAHrooooooo! sirens all the time. Since childhood, to The Hubs and me, this is what you heard before a nuclear bomb was about to drop. When we moved here and heard one for the first time, we quickly looked at each other like "WTF?" and joked about waiting for the bomb flash.

Ok, I know I'm being dramatic.

The only other reason I'd ever heard a siren like this (in my entire life) was when a tornado was spotted nearby.

But really, either way...tornado or nuclear bomb....no bueno, right? I further investigated this sound and learned that fire departments use this siren to call to their EMTs and firefighters.

Ummm, not to be nit picky but, anyone heard of a cell phone?

But hey, who am I to judge? If this system works (and I'm assuming they've been using it for the last 200 years or so lol), then why change it? I'm just a dumb westerner! Click here to listen to what I'm talking about. Fire or no fire, this sound is freaky. The first 20 seconds is what I hear...

2. Fireflies. Not, not the song. The bug. Until we moved here, I had only seen a firefly once on vacation in Oklahoma.

The family and I were invited to a summer party this past May, and that's when the fireflies had first hatched. I remember sitting in the backyard with my spiked iced tea, watching the kids play, and seeing hundreds of fireflies come out of the yard's surrounding woods. It was so incredible...it was like the forest was literally sparkling. I was in total awe of the site. My kids loved catching them, and when they brought one over to me I learned two interesting things. One, they're ugly. They're not the cute, round colorful things you see in Tinkerbell movies (yes, I know, I'm lame). And two, they're BUGS. Ewwwww! So, as much as I appreciate a firefly, it's still a gross little bug.

3. Philly Accents. They're not as strong as a Jersey or New York accent, but locals here do tend to say "cwaffee" and "cah" for car. The letter that is most intriguing to me is their "a". I can do a jersey accent no problem, but I cannot recreate the way Philly locals say their "a"!! It's very frustrating when I'm trying to explain it in person! Oh! An exciting thing happened the other day - I got my first "you're not from around here, are you?" question!

What? Me? What would make you think that!?

4. Ages of kids when they enter school. Did you know that most folks here hold their kids back a year before sending them to kindergarten? Most kids start kindy at six. In the West, it's about 50/50, and maybe even more parents send their kids early - if their kids make the age cutoff. My boy made the cutoff by 15 days, so I sent him to school. He's a smart cookie - he was more than ready to be intellectually stimulated by someone other than me (thank god). While I understand why parents hold kids back - especially boys - it's strange to me that most of the kids in my son's class are more than a year older than him. But I'm proud to say my boy's one of the best readers in his class!

5. Philly locals like their pizza. There is a pizza place on almost every corner. Old pizza places! New pizza places! Hole-in-the-wall pizza places! Mom-and-pop pizza places! You want-a-pizzah!? You-a-gotta-pizzah!

6. Wawa's. What's the big effing deal about the Wawa? Everyone that heard I had moved to Philly said "You been to the Wawa yet?" Um YEA. It's a gas station. I got gas. I went in and got a pack of gum. I paid for it. I left. (pauses and waits for the excitement) I dont get it? It's just a gas station, right? And what's with the name? When The Hubs and I first heard a grown man suggest we go to the Wawa, we both snickered to each other....the what? The Wa....(giggle snort giggle).

Ok, that's it for now. I have more to share but I'll save those for a later date. And locals...I know you're out there - let's hear from you.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-09-16T17:45:00.002-04:00

So this is an oldie, but I still hear it on Pandora fairly often. The lyrics have always intrigued me...and I assumed that they were written during a period when nuclear war was a daily fear Americans possessed (the 60s-80s?). I still remember my mother telling me as a child about how a 'nuke' may drop, and what to do if it happened.

Yikes. (Remind me to tell you about the 'end of the world' sirens they have here in Philly - scary)

But then I watched the video and, um, WTF? I guess it's about war? A father from the future, warning his son about a bomb...and then teleporting him to the future?

What the fuck is this? The Terminator? Where's Sarah Conner?

Anyway, the song still rocks. And so does Mike and the Mechanics. Even The Hubs likes this song...

"Silent Running" by Mike and the Mechanics

Deep Thoughts

2010-09-03T16:30:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I was working on the computer as usual, and I kept hearing this music....music kept playing...I think I recognize that song? Hym, maybe the neighbors are playing it? I do have the window open.

An hour goes by....

Daym, there it is again! Are the kids listening to something in the other room? (getting up to check) No....

Oh shit.

I have Pandora playing on my computer and I forgot I'd opened it. Nice, Tasha. Real smart. I'm too dumb to realize when I'm playing music on my own effing computer.

Yes, this really happened.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The kids are upstairs right now, and they sound like they're killing each other:

Bump! Screaming. Some crying. One of them saying "Sorry! I'm sorry! Dont tell mom!"

Another bump. Some running across the floor above me. Door slams. More screaming. More running. More thumping. More screaming.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Do I care what they're doing?

Nope.

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My girlfriend (aka one of the Wolf Pack's founding members) and her husband are going on the surprise birthday cruise extravaganza with The Hubs and me later this month. I was on the phone with her last night and we were chatting about the trip, the food, the activities we wanted to do and the rooms we had booked.

Did I mention I booked a Penthouse Grand Suite? Heehee.

Anyway, so we're discussing the fancy rooms, and the fanciest room on the boat - the "owner's suite" got brought up. We were looking at pictures of it, and my girlfriend tells me she had showed her husband this room, hoping he'd want the upgrade. The suite was lovely; plants, marble, lots of space, views from both side of the ship....

You know what her husband's only comment was about the Owner's Suite pictures?

"Honey, did you see that they have mirrors on the ceiling over the bed??!!"

Men, I tell ya. We're taking an incredible vacation, and they have only one thing on their mind. Uh huh. Gotta love the husbands.

She didn't convince her husband to upgrade, but I can guess what they'll be doin when we get on the boat. (Cue porn music...)

Happy 40th Birthday, Husband!

2010-08-31T10:11:00.004-04:00

Today my amazing husband turns 40 years young. I surprised him on Saturday night with a little something....

Ok it was a BIG something - a cruise to Key West and the Bahamas! We get five days of kid-free, adult vacation bliss. Ahhhhhhh! Thanks to everyone for keeping the secret for me...I've been planning this surprise for over a year. It's been tough!

Here's the video of the big reveal (by the way, am I the only person who HATES hearing her own voice on video? I sound like a complete moron).

Happy birthday, babe! Here's to another 40 years!

Back to School - Time to Party!

2010-08-28T14:55:00.006-04:00

So am I the only one who does a little happy dance on the first day of school? Although I've enjoyed spending my summer with my son, I am overjoyed to send him back to class for eight glorious hours, five days a week. Yesssssssss.

I've heard lots of girlfriends talking about how they're disappointed the summer is over, and about how sad it will be when their kiddos return to school...

Are you kidding me?

I must really be a bad mom - I'm not sad at all. And, in fact, I'm pretty freakin happy about it.

Jack's at school again! Let the party begin! It's almost Fall! Football! Hot Wings! Crisp, fragrant mornings! Quiet afternoons! Schedules! All of that sounds good to me.

Here are a few more back-to-school thoughts I've had lately:

- The bus stop changed locations. Good thing my neighbor told me this, because if not, Jack and I would have been standing at the old stop...picking our noses....wondering where the hell the bus was. Yep, I'm a responsible mom. I dont check bus schedules, I just rely on my (even more responsible) neighbor to tell me this shit.

-Dear God, I hope that snotty, stupid brat of a girl is NOT in Jack's class this year. Is it bad that I call an eight-year-old girl a snotty, stupid brat? Well... she is. Good thing her mother doesn't read my blog! Yuk yuk yuk!

-Why do kids around here say they hate school? It seriously bugs me. You're eight. You're in second grade. Your school shit hasn't even hit the fan yet. That'll happen around 8th grade. Right now you should like school. Get excited. Have fun. Freakin enjoy yourself. You get to color and read books...how bad can it be? Seriously. I'm grateful that my boy loves school. I'm going to do my best to keep it that way.

-Is it bad to consider a martini at noon? I'm mean, just to celebrate my back-to-school aloneness...is that a word? Chocolate cake is in order, too. Anyone want to come over and celebrate with me?

-Thank God I will not have to feed the kids three times a day, every...single...day anymore. Ugh! It gets so old trying to figure out what to fix, fix it, and then hear lots of bitching "mommmm, I didn't want this for lunch!" Just shut the eff up and eat it. There are starving kids in China! Now, Jack gets to eat and school and he can complain all he wants to his friends instead.

Back to school starts Monday. Thank you, God. Amen.

The Hubs Turns 40

2010-08-24T12:36:00.001-04:00

The Hubs turns 40 years young a week from today. I'm very excited for him - I think his 40s are going to be amazing. Our years together just keep getting better. The day after his birthday he and I will celebrate TEN years together.

Feels like only yesterday he was calling me, asking me out for coffee.

We were friends for two years before that first date, so I had been waiting a LONG time for that call. Thank God he came around and decided to ask me out. The rest is history...

I have some fun surprises in store for him this weekend. If you're a close friend or family member, you already know what I have up my sleeve. Tee hee! Stay tuned - I'll fill you in on all the deets next week. And trust me, you're gonna love it. A Brazilian Wax and chocolate cake is a teensy clue...

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-08-20T16:43:00.000-04:00

This week's music has a theme....drum roll, please.....

Hippie music!

I love me some hippie music. Whenever I'm having a bad day, an argument with someone, or my kids are driving me to the brink of insanity (which is pretty much every day), I'll just put on a bit of hippie music on and all is right in the world again.

Here are a few of my favorites. Bust out the doobies and wildflowers and enjoy. Do you have a song to add? Let's hear it! Don't worry, I wont tell anyone...

Time Of The Season by The Zombies

California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas

Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Black Water by The Doobie Brothers

Touch of Grey by Grateful Dead (OMG, remember this video!? Loves it!)

Police Officer's Funeral

2010-08-18T10:19:00.001-04:00

I happened to drive by this extraordinary display this morning and wanted to share. My picture doesn't nearly do it justice. I considered getting closer for better pictures but, I didn't want to be disrespectful. I have never seen an American Flag as big as this one!

After a little investigating, I learned that this was a funeral for a local police detective, Ward Thomas. He was only 44.

I think Detective Thomas would have been proud of how his fellow officers and fire fighters showed their respect. He was obviously a very important member of the force.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I hold a special place in my heart for police officers. I almost became one myself (if you can believe that) and have a couple close friends that are cops. It's tough to hear when an officer was lost too soon.

My Colorado Family Reunion

2010-08-17T11:23:00.000-04:00

I just returned from a Colorado family reunion / 60th birthday celebration for my mom. We stayed at a 100-year-old hotel in a small mountain town about 3 hours from Denver. The town hosts a natural hot springs pool, and we soaked our bodies in its sulfur waters for two whole days. It was a fabulous trip - if you've never smelled the air inside the Colorado Rockies, you should add it to your bucket list. There's nothing like the smell of millions of pine trees at 7,000 feet. I wish we could have stayed longer. *sigh* I feel like a very lucky girl to be able to call Colorado my home state.

Here's a few pictures from my trip:

Glenwood Springs pool - this water comes directly from underneath the ground, naturally warmed by the Earth. It's like swimming in a big bathtub!

Here is my son, Jack (see the little guy in the back?), and The Hubs (next to him) rafting on the Colorado River. You can see from their faces that they had a blast, but I was a little hesitant to allow Jack to go at all. And, after seeing what kind of rapids they went through, I'm glad I didn't know how big they'd be beforehand because I would have said NO way. At least Jack has a lifejacket on but...still. No seatbelt to keep him in the raft? Couldn't we have super-glued his ass to the seat or something? Jack could have flown right into the river!

But a mom has to let go sometimes, right?

Here's Jack and Ava plugging their noses from the stinky smell of sulfur coming out of the water behind them. If you've never smelled sulfur water - it smells like rotten eggs. This water came up to the surface from under our feet and was boiling like a big pot of spaghetti. Such a cute picture!

It was nice to hang out with my baby brother for a few days. Funny how we still tease each other for the crazy things we did as kids. My brother loves to remind me about how I told him once that he'd die if he swallowed his gum (I think I was ten and he was three?)...or the time I had to get a raisin out of his nose with a toothpick because it had gotten stuck up there. Good times.

On our last night there, we all had dinner together (16 of us!) and I surprised my mom with a big, chocolate birthday cake. It's not every day that your mom turns 60! It was a weekend that will stay in my memories for many years to come.

I think the reuinion and birthday party were a success; no one killed each other, got arrested or injured and everyone had a good time. And for those who know my family, that's pretty damn good. Who could ask for more?

Suck It Monday

2010-08-02T15:57:00.002-04:00

Ok, ok, so I'm one day late. So sue me! Let's make it Suck It Monday instead.

I wanted to show you an email correspondence I recently had with my son's little league volunteer leader dude. Keep in mind, he was not the coach of my kid's team. I have never met him before. He's in charge of the mass emails going out to the entire league.

Here's the scoop - my son is six. He played a short season of maybe eight games? After his season ended, the older teams continued their games (for playoffs I'm assuming). Well, even after my boy stopped playing, we continued to get email after email about the leagues games, rain outs, final scores....blah blah blah.

And it wasn't just one or two emails, either. Over the period of one month, I received 20 emails about games and teams I didn't know and, frankly, could give a crap about. I receive hundreds of emails every day for work, I don't need any more that I don't read, right?

Soooooo, I replied to one of the numerous emails that the mass-emailing baseball dude sent out. Here's how it went (and truly, this is word for word)....

Me: Hi,

Please remove me from your mailing list. XXXXX@gmail.com

Thank you,

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Baseball Dude: Your child played for us in 2010, correct?

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Me: Yes, he played for a short season, but he is only six and his season has been over for a few weeks.

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Baseball Dude: If you played for us in 2010, you’re on our email list

We purge the list at the end of 2010.

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Me: You're telling me you can't just remove my email address now? I receive over 100 emails a day for my business. I really do not need any more from this league or who is playing where and when - especially since my son doesn't even play anymore. In the past four weeks (since my son's season ended), I have received 20 emails from you.

I would really appreciate if you'd remove me from the list today.

Thank you.

(Ok, I admit this was a little bitchy, but they guy pretty much refused to remove me on the first request...I should have taken that as a hint of what was to come...)

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Baseball Dude: I am not asking for anything in return by sending the emails, most are strictly informational

I receive close to 400 emails on an avg day and have never asked to be removed from an email list, especially from one of my children’s non-profit athletic league

Thanks for your support

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Let's pause here. Um wow. Now he's getting sarcastic? 'Thanks for my support?' How does he know what I put into this league? Does he know my husband helped coach the team? Or that I worked in the snack stand during my son's games?

Me: I mean no offense. I'm not sure why I have to justify (or made to feel guilty for) asking to be removed from an email list? What I didn't include in my last note was that you also have my husband's email, (which I did not asked to be removed, btw) where we can continue to collect information from.

Again, I'm sure you put lots of your time and effort into these emails, but I don't think that's any reason to be rude or disrespectful.

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Baseball Dude: Wasn’t being rude or disrespectful

We’re a volunteer organization , spread very thin

I’m not asking for money or any of your time, just for you to hit the ‘delete’ button if the emails bother you.. just like the other 450 families do in our league

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Ouch. Nice dig, dude. He certainly isn't going to win any trophies on his punctuation, is he?! This is where I email The Hubs and forward the crappy conversation I'm in the middle of. And of course, as I knew he would, The Hubs replies to Baseball Dude.

The Hubby: My wife forwarded this exchange and I have to jump in here.

First of all, it is irrelevant why we would ask you to remove us from your email list. We have the right to ask you to remove us from your DL and do not need to justify the reason for doing so.

Secondly, our son will continue to play baseball, whether it is in **** or another league. Again, immaterial.

As far as you being a non-profit; this is not something that is relevant. Your organization’s affiliation or status has nothing to do with the fact that we want to be removed from the email list!

About your emails being “strictly informational”. We are asking not to be informed of what is going on in the league when our son is not playing. He is 6. 6-year olds don’t participate in playoffs.

As far as your comment “I receive close to 400 emails on an avg day and have never asked to be removed from an email list, especially from one of my children’s non-profit athletic league.” Well --- (Baseball Dude), that is just a cheap shot and something I won’t stand for. I have a hard time believing that all 400 emails you receive each day are substantive and pertinent to your daily business and personal life. A large portion of that email volume has to be unnecessary and unwelcome content. To imply that, as parents, we are somehow neglecting our responsibility to our son and the league because we choose not to receive 5 emails a day from your non-profit league is ridiculous. Using your rationale, it would be perfectly acceptable to you if I signed up (insert baseball dude's email here) to receive unsolicited email from SOCIETY OF AMERICAN MAGICIANS MAGIC ENDOWMENT FUND, COLLIE RESCUE OF SOUTHEASTERN PA, and KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS, all non-profit organizations located in our county. I am certain that you would find their causes worthy, but not relevant to your daily life, just like we find your emails from little league.

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I admit, The Hubs email was a little long-winded but, daym, it sure was funny!

Baseball Dude's reply: You have the right to do whatever you want, including asking to be removed from our email list

My point was that I find it odd that you wouldn’t want to be included on our email list when you’re a member of our league

We’re not asking for anything in return , it’s mostly informational

I receive hundreds of unwanted emails a day, never asked to be removed. I hit the delete button
We’re working here for free for the community

If you find my responses objectionable , I’m sorry, this organization has a special place in my heart and I take it personally when someone sends me anything negative while at the same time we’re greatly short on volunteers.

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Let me get this straight, Baseball Dude. That means that you're offended that I asked to be removed from an email list? He's pulling the "volunteer" card, but he has no idea how much I've done - hello March of Dimes...The Red Cross....Share Our Strength? Those non-profits are all over my blog. And he's crying like a little baby because I hurt his wittle-bitty feelings?

And since he's offended, he gets to be a sarcastic butthole? OH YES! I get it now. I could I have been so thoughtless?

So, being the bored, sarcastic bitch that I am, I had to get my own two cents into that...

Me: Perhaps you should ask to be removed from all those unwanted email lists - then you might not be 'strung so thin' and would have more time to devote to your volunteer projects. I've found that organizing emails is much more effective than simply "hitting delete."

I don't appreciate your sarcasm or jabs at me being an unsupporting parent.

Thanks for the removal.

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And they grand finale is....

Baseball Dude's reply: Sorry Tasha , but asking to be removed from your child’s little league email list is very odd

If this was a usual occurrence, then I wouldnt have responded

Let’s not continue this , we did what you asked

Have a nice day

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What....the.....FUCK? It's odd? When my kid's not playing?

I didn't email him back. I was too furious. I don't even know this guy and he's essentially telling me what a crappy mother I am. Did I really go out of line by asking to be removed from a stupid list? You know how that would work? Go to email contacts...scroll, scroll, there it is! Hit delete.

Wow. That was hard!

This just goes to show that:

#1: East Coast people take their baseball VERY seriously.

#2: East Coast people are a-holes.

#3: Baseball Dude can suck it.

I swear this ranks up there with the buttholes who took my Lexus for a joyride...

Can I get some westerners to come and visit - so they can pick flowers with me and sing kumbaya?

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-07-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

Some of my oldest music memories are of sitting in my room listening to this Journey album. I had the tape! I wanted to share my favorite song on the record with you. To me, Journey is not a band to be embarrassed about, but some of my girlfriends are, in fact, embarrassed to love their songs. Silly girls!

Some of the other tapes I remember listening to at the time were Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet (another embarrassing song choice!), Duran Duran and Michael Jackson's Thriller - I actually had the record....you know, that big, black, round floppy thing that you had to play with a little needle?

And so, this song is dedicated to all my girls out there...who still rock to Journey...when they're alone in the car...with the windows rolled up. :) Go ahead and sing along. I won't tell anyone!

"Send Her My Love" by Journey, circa 1983

Deep Thoughts

2010-07-22T14:53:00.001-04:00

Do you have those days where you look at your body in the mirror and decide that you don't look too bad, and those thighs look pretty firm...

And then the very next day you look again and feel like a fat turd?

Today's one of those fat turd days for me.

How can we swing from one extreme to the other in just 24 hours? Why do my eyes trick me into thinking I might have actually lost a pound or two...until I go to try on my pants and...well, it's fat turd time! Tasha! Break it downnnn!

Or how can I bust my ass at Zumba for two weeks, eat well (high protein, low carbs, no sweets, no soda, no beer) and still gain weight?

And why did I have to be blessed with pale, Irish skin when pale skin just makes me look more like a fat turd and less like a skinny, shapely woman? Why does being tan make me look thinner? I think I've made the tan-in-a-bottle makers very, very rich. I've tried a spray tan, too, and it was ok. But knowing me, I'll eventually fuck it up one day and come out as orange as a Sesame Street monster.

I guess I'm just having a lonely, grumpy, fat turd kind of day. So my question to you is, what do you do to cheer yourself up...when you're having a turd kind of day?

Conversations With Ava

2010-07-20T13:32:00.000-04:00

Just the other day, out of nowhere, Ava says to me "Mom, I figured it out! Kids grow up, and then they have babies, and then those babies grow and become more kids!"

And I'm laughing thinking yesssss, my four-year-old has realized the circle of life!

So today, she blurts out "Mom! I cant wait to have a baby in my tummy! And then I'll have a kid..."

Oh shit. Um, NOT so funny. So I nodded and said yes, someday you will. (please GOD...wait 25 years...)

Then later today she said "Mom, I'm going to give kitty to my baby when I have one..." Kitty, a little orange stuffed cat, is her most precious toy. Kitty goes everywhere with us and I consider Kitty a member of the freakin family. We almost lost Kitty once and I had nightmares about it the whole night. Here in this picture you can see Kitty is on her way to the restaurant with us... iPod and Kitty; Ava's staples!

We've decided now that we're going to Petsmart to make Kitty a real cat's collar, with our phone number on it, so that if it happens again someone will call us. Nowadays, when Ava takes Kitty places, she sticks her in her shirt and pulls her head out the top - she reminds me of an attachment parent carrying her baby on her chest.

I told The Hubs that I'm going to invent a stuffed animal collar so that we parents won't have to worry so much about those precious, stuffed toys when they get lost...I'm such a freak!

Growing Older is Weird

2010-07-11T12:20:00.000-04:00

Getting old is weird. It's like my brain doesn't realize I've aged 10 years. But then something happens and the mental shit hits the fan and forces it (my brain, that is) to realize it ain't the spring chicken it once was.

I swear my brain still thinks it's 24.

What the fuck, brain? Why confuse me so?

I had mental shit hit my internal fan today.

I was grocery shopping - one of my most favorite things to do...not. Anyway, I'm checking out and the checker is a young, early 20-something cutie patootie. He's jabbering away to the bagger who, after listening to their banter, I took to be his roommate. This bagger/roommate kept talking and the checker cutie patootie turns to me and says

"You should complain to the store that he (the bagger) keeps interrupting us."

I knew he was just being a smart ass, and I can play the smart ass game pretty well myself, so I quipped back

"That's ok. I have kids, so I'm used to it."

Okay, okay, not exactly what I'd call funny or smart assed. Throw me a bone - I stay home and converse with a four and a six year old all day. My smart-assms are rusty.

But here's where he drops the big shit bomb on me.

He doesn't miss a beat, laughs at my joke, and says-

"Yea. Haha! That's exactly what my mom would say!"

Oh dear God. Did he, a boy who is probably only ten (or so) years younger than I, just compare me to....(hard swallow)....his mother.

Um, duuude. I'm not that old.

Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm being compared to a 20-something's mother.

I had to check myself and just smiled at him. I'm not the cute, unwrinkled, charming, natural blond 24 year old I once was.

Um yes, can I add some anti-wrinkle cream to my shopping cart?

Damn you, brain.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-07-08T13:55:00.000-04:00

I don't know a woman over 30 that doesn't love Heart. Anne and Nancy showed all of us that we could rock as hard as the dumb boys - and look hot doing it.

Lucky for me, I had to opportunity to see Heart live at the House of Blues in Mandalay Bay a few years ago. It was a great show - I was right up against the stage, and my girlfriend and I were invited by some of the "crowd boys" to party with the band after the show. I got to meet the whole band - their current drummer used to play for another favorite of mine, Alice in Chains.

Most of Heart's songs are really good - not anything to be embarrassed about. But there are a select few, this song for instance, that are painfully cheesy. But I can't deny that I LOVE this song. It makes me want to slip on some hot pink legwarmers, put on my lace headband and dance around like Nancy Wilson!

Rock on, ladies.

"There's the Girl" by Heart

Deep Thoughts

2010-07-02T12:14:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had so much beer piled in the front passenger-side seat of your car...that the car thought it was a person...and the car starts beeping at you, asking for that "person" to put their seat belt on?

Have you ever put a seatbelt on a case of beer?

Um yeah, me either.

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My birthday cake was sooooo yummy. So yummy, in fact, that the hubs caught me eating it right out of the box. Me don't need no stinkin plate!

Speaking of this picture, don't you love it when someone takes a picture of you holding something, and your arm is pressed tightly against your side, which makes your arm look three times as big (fat)? Yea, I love that too. Crap, I can't pose all the time - especially when I'm eating a ten-pound cake straight out of the box...

Ten-pound cake...fat arms....maybe this picture is trying to tell me something.

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My lovely mother just bought me the Zumba DVDs for by birthday - I asked for them. I've tried out a few and well, I have LOTS to say about them. Ha - I have a lot to say about something? Imagine that! It should make for a pretty funny blog post, because I spent an entire hour yesterday giggling at the toolbox dude who created the videos/workout.

Stay tuned for that blog - you won't want to miss it.

Chris Brown does Michael Jackson?

2010-06-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

What a great tribute to Michael Jackson. I love love love those songs and the dancing was incredible; it could have been Michael himself dancing up there! But Chris 'Beat Her Down' Brown crying so hard he couldn't manage to sing "Man in the Mirror" at the end of his set?

BOO HOO.

I feel such sadness for him - NOT.

So to protest, here's my open letter to Chris Beat-Her-Down Brown.

Dear Chris,

Grow some balls. I don't feel sorry for you at all. Cry to your mama, but sing the freakin song like you're suppose to. You could have pulled yourself together after the first few rifts...we get it - you're sad. But no, instead you decided to make a freaking spectacle and...Boohoo, everyone look at me! Look how sorry I am for beating the crap out of my girlfriend. Look at how sensitive I can be because I miss Michael Jackson.

Puuuuleeeeeez. Crock tears, baby. Here's a tissue. I'm going to go puke now.

Sincerely,

The Housewife

Bad Mom Moment #377

2010-06-28T08:00:00.000-04:00

Jack, if you don't agree to get your hair cut tomorrow, I'm going to dye it blue and make you wear a tiara to your first day of 2nd grade.

Just sayin!

Philadelphia's Taste of the Nation - Update

2010-06-25T15:42:00.000-04:00

I know I gave you a little preview of how the night went, but I'm finally going to share the whole shebang.

Take a deep breath, grab your slobber napkin and prepare to drool....ready?

Life's short...eat dessert first, right?

Yes, that really is a CAKE. And look, it even has the crack on the side.
-

Cheesecakes of every flavor...peach, cherry, apple...be still my heart. The peach was my favorite.

-

Is this dessert, you ask? No. Foie Gras with pickled cabbage. Yummy. I noticed there was quite a variety of foie gras offered at the event - it must be a favorite among Philly chefs. I loved it.

The oysters were a busy station all night. I was giggling with these guys trying to get a shot of them "in action." Thanks guys!

Something I noticed about this event - the guests were awfully camera shy. I had to put on a really big smile..and sometimes even say pleasssssse? But my charm and eloquence (cough!) eventually encouraged them to come around.

Here are some of the beautiful people of Philadelphia...

One of my favorites below; Scallop Ceviche

Philly's Taste of the Nation Chef Chair, and Philadelphia’s own Jennifer Carroll, recent Bravo Top Chef finalist and chef at 10 Arts Bistro & Lounge by Eric Ripert, shows off her new Taste of the Nation chef coat.

And my favorite picture of the night? Chef Walter Staib from City Tavern pointing to himself. He was such a good sport - and funny, too! And his shrimp was to DIE for. So, thank you Chef Staib - delish.

Look! It's me!

It was a fun night full of interesting flavors, beautiful people and refreshing beverages. Congratulations to Share our Strength's Taste of the Nation for producing such a successful evening!

Can't wait for next year....

Best. Birthday Cake. Ever.

2010-06-25T14:41:00.001-04:00

Best. Birthday.Cake. Ever.

33 never looked so good.....

But I don't think my 33 year old ass is going to be happy about this.

Ahh, fuck it.

It even tastes better than it looks.

Now the question is, should I share it with my kids?
-

Thanks to Doug's Cakes for the best cake evah!

(He even delivers)

Philadelphia's Taste of the Nation - Picture Preview

2010-06-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

The hubs and I had a great time at last night's Taste of the Nation, 2010. Here's a little picture preview of what's to come. Stay tuned to The Housewife Diaries for a full update on the food, the people and everything in between!

Stellaaaaa!

Bad Mom Moment #549

2010-06-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, Ava, Mom can't bake cookies with you... because she will eat them all... while you're sleeping... and then her butt will get fat.

You'll just have to eat cookies over at your friends' houses instead.

Suck It Sunday

2010-06-20T09:33:00.000-04:00

This week's Suck It Sunday is Father's-Day themed! Noooo, I'm not going to tell the father of my children to suck it...in case you were wondering. The father of my children, aka The Hubs, is an amazing, dedicated, fiercely protective father and I worship the ground he walks on.

I know he's going to read this and later come to me and say something like "You worship the ground I walk on? Well, can I get some of that worship in bed later tonight?"

Absolutely, honey. But only if you worship me first.

I bought The Hubs a few Father's Day goodies and wrapped them in bright, pink paper. It was the only "non-birthday" paper I had, and plus, it's not every day that a grown man gets presents wrapped in pretty pink paper. I wanted to make it *extra* special. You understand.

Ok, so back to the suck-it part. No, it's not The Hubs that I want to tell to suck it. It's my own father - my biological father. You see, he decided it would be a good idea to have an affair on my mother when I was four, divorce her, and then pick up and leave the state and disappear for all eternity when I was five.

I'm told the only thing he left in the house were the framed pictures he had of me. My mother walked through the empty house, and there were just randomly scattered pictures laying on the carpet throughout the house. Nice, dad. Thanks for the memory.

My extended family - his relatives - spent many years trying to get him to speak to me, updating him on my life - Tasha's turning seven, eight, nine...she's entering high school....whatever. Nothing worked. He chose not to speak to me or have any contact with my family. My letters came back unopened "return to sender".

When I was about 21 I finally got the hint and quit trying to contact him. But there was a lot of pain and feelings of abandonment involved in the process. During my entire childhood I had a strange feeling that something was missing in my heart, it's hard to explain but, that feeling's still there - even though I haven't seen my father in almost 30 years. Maybe I'll blog about that at some point.

He's still alive and living in Carson City, Nevada somewhere....I know you're asking yourself "Will she ever go find him?" The answer is no.

Sometimes on Father's Day, I'll sit back and reflect on what a douchebag my father is. I still don't know why he decided to leave, or why he chose not to have any contact with me, but I've come to peace with it.

He's a douchebag - that's why.

Oh yes, of course. Why didn't I realize that earlier?

So this week, I'd like to tell my biological father to SUCK IT. He's a pathetic, cheating, lying coward.

So suck it, father. Karma's a bitch.

My friends...will always be my friends

2010-06-15T16:37:00.000-04:00

I've come to realize in recent years that I have an amazing group of girlfriends. Not just cool but a-m-a-z-i-n-g. How did I get so lucky? I dunno. Maybe it's because of all the smack talking I dish out to them - they just can't get enough abuse from me!

Just kidding.

Ok, not really.

Ok yes I am.

No I'm not.

Facebook, although totally annoying sometimes (and who knows why I need to reconnect with a dude I went to elementary school with in 1984 but, whatevs!) has been a huge help with getting in touch with friends I've lost touch with. One of them was one of my besties in high school. Let's call her "Sheila". We spent every waking moment together from 15 to 17, until we finished high school and went our separate ways. Ok.... to be honest, the main reason we didn't stay in touch was because I started hanging out with Sheila's boyfriend...without Sheila. The boyfriend and I never 'did' anything...but she found out we were spending time behind her back and, understandably, quit talking to me. We were 16, and I was a mess back then (and the boyfriend was a doosh). I wasn't a good friend, which is partly why I'm so grateful for what I have now - honest, loyal, thoughtful girlfriends.

So anyway, Sheila and I recently reconnected on Facebook. She's still in Colorado (where we grew up) and she's not of Facebook very much, but it's been wonderful seeing pictures of her, her husband and their daughters. We have yet to meet up in person - I haven't seen her since we were 17, and we don't talk online as much as I'd like. But this morning I got an email from Sheila and I literally laughed out loud when I read it.

Tasha,

I had to send you an email. You have been on my mind a ton lately. I have had these crazy dreams about you and then you pop up on my facebook and I never even get on that goddamn life suck. We haven't talked in 10 years (actually it's been more like 16, Sheila...but who's counting?) and now you're all over in my life.

I read your blog when I need some cheering up. You have always had a way of making me laugh even in the lowest of times. I just had to share with you that brightened my day. By the way, you come over to my house and we have a gun. Don't invite Shane the little pussy. (haha, nice, right?)

Now get out of my head you crazy bitch, you're making me nutty!

Love you,

"Sheila"

I love how she calls me a crazy bitch and then tells me she loves me. This just goes to show that the girlfriends I chose when I was 16 are about the same kind of girlfriends I stick to now - I love me some sarcastic, blunt, witty women. I'm thrilled that The Housewife Diaries brightened her day...I only wish I could brighten her day in person. Now I just need to convince her to come and visit me in Philly.

Speaking of amazing girlfriends, I still need to update you on my weekend with the Wolf Pack, don't I? I know my Vegas wolfie sisters are getting impatient with me, wanting me to post the stories of our adventures of running around Philly and Amish Country. I will. Soon. Pinkie swear!

Meeting the Parents

2010-06-14T09:43:00.000-04:00

Droid!

2010-06-12T09:39:00.001-04:00

My hubby just bought me the newest Droid phone.

It took me a few months to finally agree to get one. I'll admit that they intimidate me. They're so current. I still have my flip razor phone from 2005. I don't do current very well.

I received my new phone in the mail last night and ok, I admit it, the thing is pretty cool. I still haven't figured out how to make a call on it....but, hey, who needs to call anyone when you have a little computer in the palm of your hand with amazing internet capabilities, a camera and every game/app/trick known to man on it?

Oh, you called and I didn't answer? I'm sorry, I was too busy typing up my Master's Theseus on my special text keyboard!

Ok, that wouldn't really be me but... you get the idea. It's going to take me ten years to figure out all the crap this little gem can do. The hubs says I just need to read the little owner's book from start to finish.

What? A man telling me to read the directions? Am I in the Twilight Zone?

Who needs directions!!?? I'll just spend 10 hours a day playing around with the thing.

The kids need dinner? They can eat cereal - mommy's figuring out her new phone.

Laundry? What's that? But did you see that my new phone puts out voice quotes from Dumb and Dumber?!

Jack, you need help with your homework? I'll give you some help - go Google it. I'm busy trying to get the high score on Bejeweled....

Yeah, you can see where that would go. Obviously, I cant play with my new phone for 10 hours a day - which is why it's going to take me 10 years to figure the thing out.

And does anyone know how to make a call on this thing? Friends and family, if you don't hear from me for the next month, you'll know why.

Agreeing to let your husband buy you the new Droid: 80 Dollars

Monthly service: 70 Dollars

Being able to hear Jim Carrey's voice say "Man, you are one pathetic loser!" when someone calls your phone: Priceless

And BTW, I'm not even joking about the Dumb and Dumber voice quotes. I really did put that on my phone, because that's how I roll...

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-06-08T19:18:00.000-04:00

This week's song takes me back to my bartending days when I was a size 6...and dancing on my bar and squirting drunk men with the soda gun was a way of life. Ahhhh, those were the days! This is one of those songs that I will play on a jukebox at my favorite dive bar, but will I ever admit that I actually like this song? Never! Enjoy, bitches!

"Cowboy" by Kid Rock

Lexus Joyride Update, Take Two

2010-06-07T14:31:00.003-04:00

Ok, I have been getting a lot, and I mean a lot of readers asking me to update on the dramz over our Lexus' transport, and how someone from the auto relocation company totally STOLE our car to joyride in it for 90 miles before returning it to us with an empty gas tank and a broken passenger-side mirror...and then tried to pretend that it didn't happen. Remember that? If you haven't heard that story yet, read it here to catch up and then come back. I've even gotten a few comments (on the blog and via email) from other "customers" that also had shady experiences with this same company. Innnnneresting, wouldn't you say?

So here's the update. We submitted our claim for $1347.87.

Damaged mirror & parts: $803.13

Labor: $169.95

Tire replacement, balance & labor: $272.00

Total cost of the claim: $1319.72

Half a tank of gas, plus refueling to get the car to drive again: $28.15

Total: $1347.87

I think we waited a few days, I can't remember exactly how many it took for them to reply. But I'll give you five bucks if you can guess what they said...

Have a guess?

Ok, I won't give you five bucks but, I will tell you that they freakin DENIED our entire claim.

The whole thing. They said that we must have made a mistake about the mileage...and that the gas gauge can look different when the car has been jostled around....and that nails can get into a tire at any time and aren't covered in the transport package....

Uh huh.

Are you flip flopping kidding me? I was furious when I read the email. They did offer to pay for the mirror, since they "called ahead" to tell us that it had been damaged by a "hose".

So, let's review. An empty gas tank, 90 additional miles and two nails in the tire...those weren't affiliated with the broken mirror. Those were just a coincidence, right? Riiiiiight! God, how naive of us! Of course... we must not have taken the "how full is your gas tank?" class in driver's education. Because you know people can easily think the tank's half full...when it's really empty, right? Especially when it's a 2008 Lexus with no issues.

Anyway.

I encouraged the hubby to threaten them with a lawyer and his (very large and prestigious) company's backing. Which he did. Lucky for us, it worked and they backed down. They agreed to pay the costs - all of them - but still refused to take on any blame. They agreed to pay to keep themselves in good standing with us.

That's freakin hysterical if you ask me.

Good standing? Sure! If you live in Liars and Cheaters Land. I think I dated a dude from that land once or twice...

Anyway, the fuckers denied the claim, but we got what we wanted in the end - the cash it took to fix what they damaged. I'm still amazed that such a shady company is allowed to stay in business. Remember that the hubs and I didn't hire them ourselves - they were hired through my husband's company! And we still got the Liars and Cheaters treatment. Anyone who knows my husband and me knows that we are honest people - we don't need to lie and steal our way into an extra $1300. This shit really happened, and we're not stupid.

The bonus prize is that we will never know when it was taken, or where, or what happened inside the car (eww). All we can do is move forward, and make sure that everyone we know never....ever....uses them to transport their car across the United States.

Shah!

Taste of the Nation, Philadelphia

2010-06-03T15:52:00.000-04:00

Attention foodies! I'm thrilled to share that I've been invited to cover one of the very best food events of the year - Taste of the Nation Philadelphia, produced by Share Our Strength. I'm can't wait - it's going to be such a fabulous party! Remember I covered last year's Taste of the Nation in Las Vegas, so I'm curious to see how the two differ - East vs West. Can you believe they let me come back!? Yuk yuk yuk!

I'm positive it will be scrumdiliumptious. So if you're in Philly and want to mingle with other Philly foodies - all for a great cause - grab your tickets now...and I'll see you there!

Stay tuned to The Housewife Diaries for my full review of the food, the people and everything in between.

Check out the deets:

Share Our Strength's Taste of the Nation invites you to savor the finest food, spirits and wines. Mingle with the nation's hottest chefs and mixologists — all of whom are coming together to donate their time, talent and passion to end childhood hunger across America.

In Philly, join Chef Chair Jennifer Carroll, chef de cuisine at 10 Arts Bistro & Lounge by Eric Ripert, and our Mixologist Chair Phoebe Esmon of Chick’s Café and Wine Bar, along with over 40 of the city’s finest restaurants and mixologists as they come together to help end childhood hunger. Additionally, the event will feature silent and live auctions, so don’t miss the opportunity to bid on unique chef experiences and one-of-a-kind gifts!

100% of ticket sales supports Share Our Strength's efforts to end childhood hunger.

Taste of the Nation Philadelphia
June 21, 2010
5:30 - 9:30 PM VIP Admission
6:30 - 9:30 PM General Admission
Loews Philadelphia Hotel
1200 Market Street
Philadelphia, PA 19107

TICKETS AND EVENT DETAILS
VIP Admission $125
5:30 - 9:30 PM
General Admission $85
6:30 - 9:30 PM

Conversations With Ava

2010-06-02T09:34:00.001-04:00

Here I am! Been busy but things are sort of slowing down again. Just wanted to spout off a few funny things that have happened lately...

I think I've started to get used to my neighborhood. I've been recognized by the post office lady and the liquor store dudes. You know you've made it when post office officials and liquor store people notice you!

I think you'll like this story about my precious, Ava. She's so freakin funny I can hardly stand it. She'd be even funnier if she didn't talk 24-7 but hey, we can't have it all, right? So she's really been into music lately - she's a total singer. I play a song from the mid 90s called Sleeping Satellite...old folks, you'll remember this song. Anyway, this is one of Ava's favorites right now - I think mostly because it's sung by a woman...Ava doesn't like "man" songs. This will be funnier after you finish reading this.

There's a line in the song that goes "where the eagles fly!"

I don't know where Ava came up with this, but she's been calling any type of bird a "cock". I keep trying to explain to her that a cock is a chicken (right?), and that other birds have different names. But no, she calls every bird a cock.

Alrighty then. Do you see where this is going?

Back to the song. She hears the line about the eagles flying...

Eagle = bird

Bird = cock

Uh huh.

When Ava wants to hear this song, she says "Mom, I wanna hear the cock song."

Excuse me... what?

"MOM! I wanna hear that cock song...you know!?"

The cock song? Oh dear lord. I'm a tad bit shocked, but trying my best not to bust out laughing - mostly because Ava would then ask me WHY I was laughing. Um, grown up joke, darling.

I'll tell you when you're 21.

Play the cock song, mom!

Cool! Let me go get my iPod....

Suck It Sunday

2010-05-16T08:36:00.000-04:00

Thanks to The Mom, Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy for the fabulous graphic!

This week's Suck It Sunday brought to you by...men who don't have a clue! Come on, we all know those types, right?

Earlier this week, a salesman came to my door. He knocked. I answered. He looked me up and down and said "Is the husband home?"

What am I...twelve? Do I not look capable of listening to your door-to-door sales pitch? Not only that but, you should know better, buddy. The wives make most of the home decisions, anyway. Strike one.

So I told him no, my husband's not here but that he could talk to ME. Then I smiled sweetly and let him sell me his product (he wanted to repave our driveway) - he would give me the huge bargain price of $6000. Ouch. Strike two. I took his card. Thanks but, no thanks. I'll call ya. Hold your breath until I do.

Later that night I told The Hubs the story of the salesman. And what did my hubby say?

"Oh yeah, he's been around before. He quoted me $5000 last week."

WHAT!? He quoted me a thousand dollars MORE than he quoted you? Does he not remember coming to our house just last week? And not only that, but he quotes ME a grand more? He quotes the woman more. Strike three...annnnd he's outta there!

WTF? Nice salesman he is. We've got a real sharp shooter on our street, folks! I'm pissed that he asked for my husband at the door. And now I'm really pissed that he quoted me more money...not only more but a grand more.

When you don't have a life (like I don't), this is the kinda shit that makes (or breaks lol) your day. This is like good, quality neighborhood gossip for me. Yessss!

So if he comes back, you can bet that I'll give him a taste of my mind. I'll be respectful and clever about it, but Mr. Pavement Man can definitely SUCK IT.

"Oh hi, you're back! Do you realize that you quoted my husband a thousand dollars less than you quoted me? Little old me? No? Well then...suck it!" SLAM!

Heehee. It's the little things that give me pleasure. Would I really do that? No, probably not. But I can pretend. What I'd really do is not answer the door and spy at him through the bedroom window until he leaves. But I would tell him to suck it through the closed window! Does that count?

Speaking of my neighborhood, I've got another great Suck It Sunday lined up for next week. So stay tuned!

My New Theme Song

2010-05-14T10:36:00.001-04:00

Yea, I suck. I know. I haven't been around much. Why? Writer's block? Maybe a little. Nothing to write about? Maybe a little. Busy? VERY. For those of you who don't know, I do full-time independent contracting for a website called iVillage. Ever heard of it? Anyway, I was promoted...sort of. So my new work started this week. I've been trying to play catch up and get ahead before I get behind. Gee, I'm so clever. Yuk yuk yuk!

I have some fun blogs coming up, though. I swear! I still have to update you on all the bullshit that happened after the hubs and I submitted our claim to the auto relocation company we used for the Lexus joyride. Remember that? Also, I have a blog about my weekend with The Wolf Pack.

In the meantime, I'm working hard and staring at the wall a lot. Oh, and this is my new theme song:

I don't have any friends...so I drink alone! TGIF and see you soon!

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-05-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

Want to hear some other songs I will secretly sing to at the top of my lungs? Check the "Music I'm Embarrassed to Love" tab on the left.

This week's song is courtesy of the early 80s...and Eddie Money. Oh yea, I loooove me some Eddie Money!

"Shakin" by Eddie Money

By the way, how cracked out does he look in this video? Wow.

Hair Woes

2010-05-03T14:22:00.000-04:00

Holy humidity. They told me it was going to be muggy but sheesh. I feel like I'm on the beach in California.

Frizzy hair.

Sweat running down my cleavage.

Shiny face.

Are my clothes wet?

It was 93 on Saturday. Pretty hot. But still, after living in Las Vegas for six years, muggy or not, 93 ain't so bad. No sweat....or maybe I should use a different word. Yes sweat. No problem. I'm looking forward to being able to actually spend some time outdoors this summer (in Vegas you don't go outside at all from June to October). I don't care if I have frizzy hair and a shiny face - save me a margarita and I'll be outside lounging on the porch under the umbrella!

Speaking of frizzy hair...have you ever paid a good amount of money (let's say...$150) to get your hair done, only to have it look FUG a mere four weeks later?

What the freak?

Why can't I find a hairdresser that can cut hair AND color it? I only seem to find one or the other.

Great haircut... but the color blows.

OR, I love my color but gee, what's this random piece of hair that's two inches longer than the rest doing here?

Ugh.

Or should I say FUG.

That's me right now. I got my hair done a few weeks ago, and, although the color was a little *bright* for my taste, it looked good. However, she didn't put the color all the way to my scalp, so the freakin highlight line is already really prevalent. I hate roots! But my natural hair color is so dishwater and boring.

If I go dark, my hair turns penny-red. Red is good. Penny-red is nice when it's natural. But when it's penny-red with shades of green (hello, hair color!) it's tacky and gross.

Wouldn't you agree?

Blast. I don't have time for this shit. I thought telling my last stylist that I have a full time job, two kids and a husband was enough of a hint that I don't have the damn time to come back so she can fix her shit.

Guess I need to be more clear next time.

Yes, I'd like a few highlights, a basic trim and....dude, don't fuck up my hair.

Oh well. Now I'm on a mission to find a different hair girl, so I can start the stupid process all over again....

Suck It Sunday

2010-05-02T08:20:00.000-04:00

I'd like to tell only one thing to suck it this week: Cancer

When we moved here, I researched around to find the best preschool for my daughter, Ava. And when I found it, I knew it was the one. Ava's new teacher was such a warm and friendly light for me (and Ava) in our new world of upheaval and confusion after moving the east coast. I immediately felt at ease with this teacher, like she was an aunt (she was my mother's age), and I felt good about leaving my child there under her care.

It was obvious this teacher had cancer. She had her head wrapped in a scarf, but she was so bright and full of life, I assumed that she was on the upswing. She hardly ever missed a day of school. Last week, I was chatting with her and postponed our parent-teacher conference since The Wolf Pack was in town. Now I wished I had gone just so, selfishly, I could have had that little bit of extra time with her.

The last time I saw her, I was feeling rushed and stressed out because of our impending trip to Tulsa. I said a quick hello and left. I didn't look her in the eye, or smile like I meant it, or say thank you for being such a wonderful presence in my daughter's life.

She died on Friday.

We at the school are all in shock. She was just teaching on Monday. She seemed tired and a little out of breath. She was scheduled for another round of chemo soon...

Tuesday she took a "sick day".

Wednesday I brought Ava to class, hoping to give the teacher a hug and tell her I was happy to see her back. But she wasn't in class. The sub told me she was not doing well, hospice had been brought in and that her family was en route to her from all over the country. That this was probably....it.

I cried all day Wednesday. Felt a little better on Thursday.

Friday morning, when Ava and I had just gotten to school, word came that Ava's beloved teacher had died early that morning. Damn was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

It all happened so fast. Although she had cancer, she fought it every step and lived her life until the very end.

The VERY end. I feel tremendous guilt that the last time I saw her I was stressed out and rushed. No one got to say goodbye, because this teacher was so full of life she had us fooled that things were ok - until it was time to go. I'm comforted knowing that she was surrounded by her three children (one had just arrived the nigh before she passed), and it tells me that she was at peace knowing that ALL of her children were with her.

Today is her memorial.

So, today, cancer can suck it. It took away a wonderful women that still had so much life in her. I pray that she is at peace now.

After I heard the news of the teacher's passing, I got in the car to go home and Sting's "Fragile" started to play. So I'm posting it for you here. It was my reminder of how fragile we all our, and how life can be taken away from us at any moment.

Kids do the darndest things

2010-04-29T12:26:00.000-04:00

My kids constantly mess with me and it drives me nuts.

Ava! Stop sticking your finger in my freaking ear! Jack....seriously, don't pinch me anymore. Ow, you're pulling my hair. Why are you stepping on my toes? If you're going to hold my hand, stopping pulling on it and just WALK.

"Why?" He says.

Because it's freakin annoying, that's why. Stop pulling and stop asking why. What is it with kids? Why do they have to be so wiggly and jiggly and constantly poke, scratch, lick, spit or try to pick my nose? Ugh. Get OFF, already!

Children, I love you with all my heart and I would be happy to snuggle, hug, sing, laugh or tickle with you but, for fuck's sake, quit sticking your dirty, sticky, smelly fingers all over me. Personal bubble, hello! Stay out of mom's personal bubble space or else mom is going to move to Antarctica to live by herself. A polar bear may eat me, but at least he won't stick his finger in my freakin ear before he does it!

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

2010-04-28T06:00:00.000-04:00

Another cheeseball song for this week. Don't you love this song? Reminds me of driving to cute boys' houses with my friends in high school. This is almost as (maybe more?) embarrassing as the Boys II Men song I put up a few weeks ago. This is one of those songs that, if I played it in front of the hubby, he'd say something like "WHAT is this shit?"

Heehee.

So enjoy it and try not to throw up!

"Comforter" by Shai, circ 1992

I'm back! Did ya miss me?

2010-04-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

I'm back from Tulsa. Phew! You guys, I am SO tired I feel like I'm sleepwalking today. It was a busy, crazy trip...but we had so much fun. The family and I got stuck at the Atlanta airport yesterday for FOUR hours between planes, and then we didn't get home until after 9pm...um yea, that was fun.

Not.

But now we're back home safe in Philly....and something I noticed right when we got back....people here are NOT friendly like they are in Tulsa. Or as the locals like to call it, T-town. In Tulsa, people are SO freakin nice. I chatted with the rental car guy there - did you know he's having a baby in five months? He's naming her Sophia. Or the woman that opened the door (and actually held it) for my kids AND me at the grocery store...? Tulsa people are as sweet as apple pie.

And Philly people are so...not.

Let me give you an example.

We were in a traffic jam in Tulsa on Saturday (which hardly never happens - a traffic "jam" in T-town is four cars or so and you won't even have to come to a complete stop). A Philly traffic jam takes you three hours (and lots of swear words later) to get out of.

Anyway, so the hubs and I are in a jam in T-town, and a woman in a car one lane over decides she wants to merge into our lane. Well, instead of pulling forward and using a blinker (like a freakin normal driver), she decided to STOP in the middle of the lane and just sit there. Cars are backed up....the other lane keeps on going and doesn't let her in (although maybe if she had her blinker on someone would've let her in, duh). So she's stopped in the middle of the road, and the cars behind her are just patiently waiting. Waiting! No honks, no shaking hands out the window...no "go woman!" angry shouts....nothing! I was kind of in awe and saying something like "what the fuck is she doing!?" to the hubs.

Now, if this would have happened in Philly....(giggle)....there would have most certainly been at least one fist fight in the middle of the street. Maybe two. The car horns would have been constant. Maybe even a middle finger...or five.

The point is, that shit would never go down on the Philly roads. Because Philly people are kinda....assholes. Yea, there. I said it.

No offense to you Philly peeps. I'm one now, too, so I guess I'm guilty by association. Do y'all have an asshole class I could take? Maybe that would help.

Do you like how I said y'all? I thought that was a nice touch.

But hell, it sure was nice to have a few days of friendly, patient, horse-lovin, pickup-truck-drivin, funny-talkin folks to hang out with! I love Tulsa! Yeehaw!

More on my weekend in T-town later, and stay tuned for the full blog on how my week went with the Wolf Pack. Chow for now. I'm going to go unpack and try to get back into the swing.

I'm off to Tulsa!

2010-04-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

I'm off to Tulsa for my sister-in-law's wedding. Picture it...big hair, lots of makeup, good food and drinks, and lots of family with southern drawls!

Cant wait!

I'm still recuperating from my weekend with the Wolf Pack (aka my Vegas BFFs). I'll tell you all about it when I get back- booz, food, matching t-shirts, laughing so hard we almost puked...you get the idea. It was FUN! And this housewife desperately needed that. Thanks, Wolfies! Stay tuned for a full update next week.

Here's a little picture preview...

Funny story about this last picture...I took the wolfie sisters to my favorite neighborhood bar the first night. Once word got around that we were Las Vegas Housewives...it was like we turned into the bar's circus freak show. We kept getting (in a drunken slur) "you guys are from Vegas?"

Ahroooo!

Philadelphia Red Cross Walk/Run Picture Preview

2010-04-18T10:41:00.000-04:00

I had a great time covering the Philly Red Cross Walk/Run yesterday, and I think everyone else did, too! I got some fabulous pictures of the event and I'll be sharing them within the next few days. I'm extremely proud to have been a part of it!

Below are few of my favorite pictures from the afternoon.

UPDATE! To see ALL the pictures I took, visit the Philadelphia Red Cross 2010 Run + Walk Flickr Page. I think they turned out great...go me!