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Sunday, February 23, 2014

Tampons...

OK men, if you are reading this right now, I encourage you to stop.  Just stop.  Believe me, you won't want to read this post.  It might create anxiety and the temptation to throw up in your mouth.  The blog title should give you a clue.

Now ladies...

Have you ever had to go to the store just to buy...tampons?  Nothing else.  You don't need milk, you don't need fruit.

Just tampons.

And, if you're lucky enough, there isn't a self-checkout available (where you can discretely beep your own shit and leave without anyone seeing what you're buying).  And gee, the only checker is some young guy who could be your son or nephew?

Yeah.  That was me today.

So I'm strolling through the store, pretending like I have a list and lots of things to buy.  Do tee do...I have a long list people!  Get out of my way!  I'm on a mission!  I feed a family of four!

I browse the deli with my little basket, I browse the dairy section, I browse the rice and cereal.  Somehow I have to come up with SOMETHING else to buy...besides tampons.  I can't possibly go up to the checkout with nothing but tampons.  And, not only that but the super-duper, extra plus, those-plugs-will-suck-up-superwoman-period-shit tampons.  Yep, I need those.  I can thank childbirth for that.

Men, if you're still reading.  See, I told you you'd want to throw up.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Anyway, so yes, I'm strolling along....hey look, bananas!  I need bananas!  I can get those, too!  Then I won't have to check out with just...well, you already know what.

Bananas it was.  I bought bananas.  And super-duper-absorbency tampons.  And that's it.  And the young college boy checked me out.  I'm sure he'll have nightmares tonight about the issues he has with his mother.  He might even need therapy ten years from now from checking out a bunch of old ladies who only come to the the store for tampons.

So, dear checker-out boy, I'm apologizing now for any trauma I may have caused you for making you beep and bag my superwoman tampons.  And bananas.

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