Monday, September 24, 2012

The Housewife vs The Cough

Have you ever had a really bad chest cold?  Bronchitis is another term for it, and it sounds much more dramatic, if you ask me.

If you tell someone that you have a chest cold, you'll most likely get the sympathetic face and a  pat on the shoulder.

If you tell someone you have bronchitis, people tend to stare at you in horror and take a step back.

"I have bronchitisssssssss (hack hack hack)!  I germ youuuuuu!"

Anyway, yeah, I've been dealing with a bad chest cold this week (see, I'm using the smooshy term so you'll keep reading).

Isn't it fun trying to function with a nasty ass, I-cough-like-an-old-woman-on-cigarettes kind of cough?  And this cough is persistent.  So, anytime I attempt to talk, laugh, walk, breathe...the cough likes to come along for the ride.

"Honey, can you pick up....pick up....(cough cough it done?....fuck, nope.....cough cough cough)....(breathe).....the kids at school today?"

And, by the time I've gotten the entire sentence out, The Hubs doesn't understand what I said...

The Hubs: What!?

Oh fuck it.  I'll get them.

Speaking of the Hubs, I think sex with a chest cold is the most fun of them all.  Not.

"Ohhh, baby....oh crap, wait....(cough cough cough).  Sorry, I'm done coughing now.  Keep doing what you're doing.....oh wait, not done.  Hold on.  Roll over or something so I don't cough on you.....(hack hack hack!).  Do you have a tissue over there so I can blow my nose before we start again?"

Sooooo hot.

The cough's also invaded my vocal cords, and I wake up sounding something like Yoda.

"Use the force, kids.  Use the force and go pick up your fucking rooms.  And, if you don't, Darth Vader is going to come by for a visit to chop your hand off with his lightsaber."

And then there's going out in public.  Other than the cough, I feel relatively normal, which means I can't allow myself to just lay in bed all day....and cough.  Today at the grocery store, I was talking to the check-out lady and felt it coming on.

Hi and yes, I have a bonus card....(oh shit, don't cough, don't cough, don't cough).  And I have my own (swallow)....bags....(swallow)....too....(don't cough, don't fucking cough, don't....I wonder if there's something to drink around here.....).

COUGH COUGH COUGH!  Mucus everywhere, yay!  Coughed right into my hand, which I will now use to get my bank card out to hand to the check-out lady!  Oh!  And there's the horrified faces from everyone around me -- can't forget that!  Should I blow my nose right here to seal the deal?

Just give me my damn groceries and Mucinex so I can go home and hack in peace.

The Cough: 158

The Housewife: 0


Vegas Linda Lou said...

I remember years ago I had a chest thing going on and seriously thought I'd never breathe right again. It sucked. Now I'm on the tail end of a bout with Bell's Palsy--this is much more entertaining.

Feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

It totally sucks and it feels like it lasts for ever!

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