Thursday, April 5, 2012

Spring Break = Mild Psychosis

Have you ever tried to reason with a six-year-old? I have. I do it every day. All the parenting books and websites tell me to not argue back at my kids -- just tell them how it is and then ignore, ignore, ignore.

But how can one possibly ignore when it's repeated over...and over...and over...until you feel like you might burst a blood vessel in your head from holding your breath for so long? I hold my breath because, if I think I tried to breathe, I might burst out some incredibly inappropriate obscenity tourette's style.

So yes, I admit, I argue back at my kids. Here's how a debate with my six-year-old typically goes...

We're in the car, and my daughter screams out -- I don't know how many times I've told her not to yell in the car, because she might startle the driver (that's me) and I'd crash the car.

She obviously doesn't care if I wreck my new Lexus.

Mom! Look over there! NO! Over there! See that corner! That's where I get picked up by the school bus!


No Ava, that's not the corner, (and then I try to pull out a positive line...) but it sure looks like the corner!

In a perfect world, this is where Ava would quiet down and simply agree with me.

But this world ain't perfect, is it?

NO MOM. That IS the corner! I know it. It IS.

No it's not. (why am I arguing again?)

YES IT IS, MOM! I saw it! I remember it!

No, the corner you're thinking of is by our house. We're five miles away from our house. It's not....


Ohhhh, for fuck's sake. It's not the corner but, if you think it is, fine. I don't care. Don't get your little princess panties in a bunch.

OK, so I left out the fuck part. I actually said "goodness" or something really lame like that, but I said fuck in my head. Makes me feel better swearing, not sure why, but I'm going with it.

All the while, I'm trying to concentrate on the road, getting honked at by a random driver for who knows what (because Philly people LOVE their car horns), refraining from throwing up my middle finger to the other driver and cutting him off, just for posterity.

I'm debating with my six-year-old here, dude. Don't honk at me and interrupt my shit!

I get sucked in almost every time, when I should just answer "uh-huh."

But, knowing my daughter, that answer would piss her off, too. It wouldn't be enough. We'd have to talk more about the corner...

Why did we drive by the corner?

Why does the corner have a new tree on it? (Um, because it's not the fucking corner?!)

What is the corner made of?

Has the corner always been there?

Spring break is killin me. Is it time to go back to school yet?


JenB said...

This sounds like every single day of my life with Grant. If that kid doesn't go to law school to continue to refine his formidable debate skills, he's wasting his talent!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. So glad you have the guts to just be real.

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