Sing Me a Song, Mom!

This year, the kids have started asking me to teach them Christmas carols. I admit I'm a tad-bit embarrassed that they had to ask ME, when I should have beat them to the punch. The problem is, when I start singing, glass begins to crack everywhere. I wonder if, someday, the cats will come running. At least I have cat food and a litter box.

I am a horrid singer. It kills me but I have accepted the fact. I can hold a general tune but, once I start trying to sing beyond a C note, my voice sounds like a really bad American Idol episode.

"Silent night....holy night....all is calm....all is ahh, *cough,* ah ah ahhhrrrrrooooooo!"

Ehhh, kids, let's put on Pandora instead and I'll print you out the lyrics.

Nice, Tasha.

Growing up, my mom was a beautiful singer (still is). She sung with a couple of groups when I was a kid and would always sing harmony to my songs when I actually had the balls to sing with her.

My kids get a youtube video and printed-out lyrics.

Whatever.

My mom still begs me to sing with her and, you no what my answer is? HELL fucking no, mom. Have you heard my voice in the last ohhh, I don't know, 35 years? Um yeah. Go sing with Ava -- who loves to sing...all goddamn day long. I wonder where she got that from lol?

I'm such an awesome daughter. And (non-singing) mom.

But seriously, my mom should know better by now.

I Have Hoarding Issues

Evidently I have hoarding issues.

The other day I was craving some hot chocolate. I went in search of a box of Swiss Miss that I remembered having in the pantry.

Well, hell. No wonder why I remembered it was in there -- it's been sitting in my pantry since....2006.

Uh yeah.

The sad part is that I pondered on whether to actually drink it. A hot chocolate craving is serious shit, people.

Can you see the "sell-by" date at the top left? If not, let me help you out. It's for August 2006. That means I bought it when we were living in Las Vegas (we've been in Philly for two years already).

That means I packed it, like in a box with my regular food, and took it allllllllll the way to Philly with me. And, even then, the expiration date was over three years old.



Nice, Tasha

I did end up throwing it away but, it made me start to psychologize myself....WHY would I need to keep a cheap box of hot chocolate for that long? It's not like I can say "oh, well, you know, the years just got past me!" I can't say that because I freakin PACKED it...to take to Philly with me. WTF? The amazing, traveling box of hot chocolate!

So I started going through the rest of my pantry because, of course, this must be an isolated incident....right?

Right?

I'm not even going to tell you how hold a can of cream of mushroom soup I found was. I'll let you just use your imagination.

So apparently I'm a pantry-food hoarder. Good thing I don't ever actually cook anything (take-out, anyone?!), because THAT would be really scary....

Being Sane Has its Advantages...

So clearly, now that I'm officially sane again, my brain doesn't want to write as many blog posts. Sorry dudes! I wonder why that is? I guess that's why all the most creative people are a little crazy.

One thing great about being sane again (thanks to both kids being in school full-time) is I can get three times as much done in half the time. Id' forgotten how efficient I can be when I'm on my own! The first couple of times I had the pleasure of grocery shopping sans kids, I remember walking out of the store and thinking "holy shit, that only took me an hour!" When my kids are with me, who the fuck knows how long it will take me. Some visits I wondered if The Hubs would get a call from the police asking to come pick his wife up, five hours later, because she went ballistic and started throwing cabbages in the produce section because her kids wouldn't behave.

It almost happened once. OK twice.

I've also noticed that I'm less careful when I don't have my kids. I drive faster. I honk more. I call drivers really bad names. I flip people off. I listen to nasty rap music, really loud. I know (hope?) I'm not the only mid-30s, white housewife that can knock down an Ez E song like a homegirl. Just ask The Hubs.

Speaking of not being careful, Christmas shopping this year has been interesting. People (customers) turn into SUCH assholes when they're Christmas shopping...have you noticed? I go into a store, minding my own business, not looking to cut anyone off or butt in line, and other (usually old, cranky) women take FULL advantage of my politeness. What the fuck, woman!? I just moved to look at this shelf...and you take my place in line?

So this is where my housewife voice kicks in.

Since I don't have my kids with me, I can behave however the fuck I want, right? Hehe.

So my favorite thing the housewife voice says to me?

Tasha, you could totally fight her....

Fight? Really? OK so I wouldn't actually fight someone, but it's a comforting thought that I could. I'm not scared to put the smack down on granny! I don't have my kids, so bow down, beotch. Don't make me go all Tupac on you...

In reality, I'd probably just give her a dirty look at let her stay in front of me. I'm such a loser.

But I can appreciate that, while my kids are having a blast at school learning how to read and write, their mom is fantasizing about kicking some old lady's ass at Target. Yesssss.

School is the BEST.