Friday, December 16, 2011

Being Sane Has its Advantages...

So clearly, now that I'm officially sane again, my brain doesn't want to write as many blog posts. Sorry dudes! I wonder why that is? I guess that's why all the most creative people are a little crazy.

One thing great about being sane again (thanks to both kids being in school full-time) is I can get three times as much done in half the time. Id' forgotten how efficient I can be when I'm on my own! The first couple of times I had the pleasure of grocery shopping sans kids, I remember walking out of the store and thinking "holy shit, that only took me an hour!" When my kids are with me, who the fuck knows how long it will take me. Some visits I wondered if The Hubs would get a call from the police asking to come pick his wife up, five hours later, because she went ballistic and started throwing cabbages in the produce section because her kids wouldn't behave.

It almost happened once. OK twice.

I've also noticed that I'm less careful when I don't have my kids. I drive faster. I honk more. I call drivers really bad names. I flip people off. I listen to nasty rap music, really loud. I know (hope?) I'm not the only mid-30s, white housewife that can knock down an Ez E song like a homegirl. Just ask The Hubs.

Speaking of not being careful, Christmas shopping this year has been interesting. People (customers) turn into SUCH assholes when they're Christmas shopping...have you noticed? I go into a store, minding my own business, not looking to cut anyone off or butt in line, and other (usually old, cranky) women take FULL advantage of my politeness. What the fuck, woman!? I just moved to look at this shelf...and you take my place in line?

So this is where my housewife voice kicks in.

Since I don't have my kids with me, I can behave however the fuck I want, right? Hehe.

So my favorite thing the housewife voice says to me?

Tasha, you could totally fight her....

Fight? Really? OK so I wouldn't actually fight someone, but it's a comforting thought that I could. I'm not scared to put the smack down on granny! I don't have my kids, so bow down, beotch. Don't make me go all Tupac on you...

In reality, I'd probably just give her a dirty look at let her stay in front of me. I'm such a loser.

But I can appreciate that, while my kids are having a blast at school learning how to read and write, their mom is fantasizing about kicking some old lady's ass at Target. Yesssss.

School is the BEST.


Unknown said...

Fan-frickin-tastic!!!! Couldn't have said it any better!!!!

Gretchen said...

OMG, this very thing happened to me recently! It was with a box of instant vanilla pudding that expired in 2004! We moved into our house in 2005, so I obviously packed it. It was store brand. I have a problem.

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