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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Shit My Kids Ruined - The Housewife's Version

I wish someone would have told me that, once you have kids, you have to wait a realllllllly long time before you can have nice shit again. Like furniture, for instance.

Do you know parents with say, toddlers, that have "nice" furniture? Nice as in no food stains, scuffs, teeth marks, marker pictures, etc. on them?

Yeah, me neither.

The hubs and I went shopping for a dinning room set recently and it went kind of like this....

White padded seats? Um no, the kids will destroy that in less than a week.

Chairs that have lovely, but delicate, legs? Um, no.

Smooth, waxed table top? Fuck no. Take one fork to that top and it's ovah.

Nothing left to browse? Alrighty then...next store!

We just needed something sturdy, wood, and didn't have light-colored fabric anywhere attached to it...and preferably something that could handle a kid getting on top of it and practicing his tae kwon do on....

You should have seen the sales lady's face when I said that.

Jack uses our living room couch as a trampoline, and has even mastered a front flip on it. Sweet. You know what kind of material our couch is? Microfiber. You know why we bought that couch? Because it's easy to clean. No other reason. Just that.

I miss having nice stuff. The Hubs just bought me a beautiful new leather couch for my office (I'll show you on my next video blog!) and I've forbidden the kids to even breathe on it.

No sitting on that couch...it's MINE!

Ava, get away from that couch! Jack, no tae kwon do near that couch! It's MINNNNE! I will scream it like a banshee.

But do you think the kids listen? Nope, not really.

Not only do the kids eventually ruin our furniture, Ava thinks that everything that's mine...is hers. Occasionally I will catch her in my makeup, or jewelry, and she even strutted down the stairs wearing my hot pink undies on her head once.

Just a teensie bit awkward.

Ummm, Ava honey, you look so pretty. Now go take that off... (but I admit I was tempted to take a picture for blackmail when she's 15)

If you've read my profile, you know I love lip gloss. I have them scattered all over the house. And, for the past few years, I've had to hide them. Why? Because Ava EATS them.

The final straw was when I picked up one of the tubes, proceeded to spread it on my lips, and a bunch of cold, stinky, slimy slobber came out. Grossssssss.

Ava! You cant eat my lip gloss. It's bad for you! And it's MINNNNNNE!

But mom, it smells like food.

Great.

I wonder if poison control has ever taken a call about a girl eating her mom's lip gloss?

So I imagine the day when the kids are older, and I can buy new furniture because I like it, and not because it's sturdy and already recessed. I imagine the day when I can leave my lip gloss and earrings out without fear of never seeing them again. I imagine the day when I can walk into the kitchen and not find trash on the floor and a half-eaten waffle on my laptop.

I figure I only have about 20 more years to wait.

4 comments:

The Mom Jen said...

HAH!

I have microfiber couches and those dang things are like a magnet for dust, crumbs, sand, etc...love them, easy to clean, but you need to like brush them with a broom to get all the bumpilies off.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I dream of those days too. Unfortunately they seem sooooooo far away at this point ....

TTownDiva said...

Good thing our furniture is old. LOL I do have a ton of lipgloss that I am very protective over.

Lizzie said...

i understand! when we were couch shopping a few years back we were telling the sales lady "no, it's too light, the dog may ruin it when he barfs" "no, not leather, my daughter plays in high heels" "no not that color, it's the wrong color, it'll show dog hair and crumbs" "oh what if the old dog pee's on it?!"well we had 100 excuses on each piece of furniture, finally she huffed "well i guess NOTHING will work for you people!" she thought we were nuts, hee hee

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