The Lucky 13 From the American Red Cross

Ghouls and goblins will take over the night. But even scary creatures need to be safe and celebrate Halloween right. Halloween’s greatest hazards aren’t vampires and villains, but falls, costume mishaps and automobile collisions. The American Red Cross Southeastern Pennsylvania Chapter wants your family to have a safe Halloween so they’re providing these tips, the Lucky 13:

1. Map out the route that you plan to roam, so
adults are assured you will find your way home!

2. From the bravest of superheroes to the noblest
of knights, everyone should remember to bring
their flashlights!

3. If you visit a house where a stranger resides,
accept treats at the door and, please, don’t go
inside.

4. When you get ready to put on your disguise,
use face paint instead of masks, which will cover
your eyes.

5. Always remember, before you embark, to wear
light-colored clothing to be seen in the dark!
(And remember to use reflective tape, even on
bikes, and brooms and the edges of your cape!)

6. Whether you walk, slither or sneak, do it on
the sidewalks and not in the street.

7. As you roam through the neighborhood collecting
your treats, please look both ways before crossing
the street! (And speaking of streets, the corners
are the place for trick or treaters to cross no matter
their pace.)

8. Wigs, capes and costumes are flammable attire,
so avoid open flames to prevent a fire!
9. Use a glow stick instead of a candle so your
jack-o-lantern isn’t a safety gamble!

10. You may fly on a broom or a space ship from
Mars, but please be on the lookout for drivers in
cars! (Between parked cars is no place to hide,
be sure that you’re seen whether you’re a clown
or a bride.)

11. Monsters and zombies should stay off the lawn,
and only visit homes with their porch lights
turned on!

12. You may be dressed as a werewolf, a cat or a
frog, but be cautious around strange animals,
especially dogs.

13. Have a grown-up inspect your candy when you’re
done trick-or-treating to remove open packages
and choking hazards before eating.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

A Philly Fall Season

I have been thoroughly enjoying the Fall season here in Philly. Even Denver (where I grew up) doesn't have a regular Fall -- usually it's warm, and then it snows and all the leaves are gone. And then it's 80 the next day. And then it snows again. There's no real middle. Anyone who's lived in Denver knows how erratic the weather can be. You can thank the Rocky Mountains for that.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of my favorite things about my first Autumn in Philly.

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This first thing isn't really "Autumn" related, but it's a popular treat among the Philly folk. Recognize it? To me, it looks like a piece of pizza that someone forgot to put cheese on. Um, nope. It's not supposed to have cheese...it's called tomato pie. Ok, it might have a little sprinkle of Parmesan on it but, seriously, the cheese is the BEST part of a pizza pie -- in my very humble opinion. Obviously not everyone agrees. Sometimes people here won't even add in the "tomato" part when they mention it -- they'll just call it a "pie".

Pie, to me, has sugar and apples or cherries and preferably vanilla ice cream on it.

Anyway...

My girlfriend recently offered me some of her pie to take home after a party (the tomato kind lol). I like to call it "sauce pie"... my son Jack thinks that's funny...because that's what it is, right?
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Ava loves sauce pie, but then she eats almost anything. I had a slice. It was pretty good. I could taste the Parmesan, which was nice. The absent cheese made the flavor of the sauce come out, and luckily, it was a delicious sauce. And so, I learned about tomato pie after moving to Philly. Do they have tomato pie in the West?

Nope.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, my kids and I really appreciate the colors changing in the leaves. Living in Vegas, my kids never had the oportunity to play in fall leaves.

Here they are above on a warm, weekday evening playing together - and they never - ever - play together, so this is good stuff, people!

The boy wants to be a ninja and, since my girl is still young enough to allow me to pick her Halloween costumes (evil laugh), I asked her if she'd like to be a Broncos cheerleader. It took a little convincing but, once she saw the costume, she happily obliged my request. How cute are they? Cant wait to take them trick-or-treating! I might even sneak a Margarita into a plastic cup while we walk. Moms need to have some fun, too -- just don't tell my neighbors. Tee hee!

Speaking of the Broncos...their last game was the biggest embarrassment of the year. I'm almost positive some neighbors will be reminding us of that game when they see the girl's Broncos costume. Maybe I'll bring some eggs in my pocket, just in case.

I had to show you this picture -- it makes me laugh every time I look at it. Ava is in that weird stage where she will smile all day long, but once I put a friggin camera in front of her face and tell her to smile, she turns into psycho-I-want-to-eat-your-brains-and-I-forgot-how-to-smile-for-real face. Gotta love it. Even SHE laughed at the picture. "Mom, what am I DOING?!"

You got me, girlfriend!

Dear Feet,

Dear feet,

Why must you be so large? You make my shoe shopping ridiculously difficult, to the point where I hate shoe shopping.

Gasp! I know - aren't all chicks supposed to love shopping for shoes? Well not me.

*

Why?

Because I wear an 11.

Yes, you read that right...ELEVEN. Actually, I'm a perfect size 10.5, but finding a pair of 10.5 shoes is like finding a fucking diamond in your backyard.

It doesn't happen.

So I'm stuck with loving a pair of shoes, only having to put them back on the shelf because they don't have anything bigger than a 7.5. *sniff*

Here's how it goes...

Ohhhhhh, LOOK at these. (As Sarah Jessica Parker says in Sex and the City...) Hello lover!

Find the shoe dude. Ask for a size 11. He stops, his eyes go wide, he stares at me like I've just told him I'm an alien from the planet Vulcan. Yes, that's right....an ELEVEN. *sigh*

He politely goes to the back of the store, even though he already knows they don't have my size. Once he's back there, instead of searching for the shoe, he's most likely having a smoke or restroom break, or picking his nose and snickering that he's waiting on a chick with some big-ass feet.

Shoe dude returns.

"No, sorry ma'am, we don't have that size." He's trying to look sympathetic. "All we have is a 10...?"

Um yea, a 10 is not going to fit my foot. Nice try, though.

Ok then, (I pick up another shoe) do you have this shoe in an 11?

"No."

Ok, how about this one?

"No."

No? Darn, ok....oh, I like this one, too. Maybe this one?

"No."

Mother effer! You must have some shoe in a size 11!? This is where I begin imagining running to the back of the store so I can start throwing shit and shoes around while screaming "Size elevennnnn! Size elevennnnnn!"

But I do the lame thing instead by thanking the shoe dude and leaving the store. I've even tried shopping Zappos.com, which has a huge selection.

Here's how that goes...

Pick your shoe style: Boots - 2000 choices!

Pick your price range: $100 to $200 - 1000 choices!

Pick your color: Brown or Black - 500 choices!

Pick your size: 11 - oh damn! 3 choices.

Uh huh. I HATE shoe shopping.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

I'd rate this up there with Tik Toc and Sexy Bitch -- I can't help but love this dance-worthy bubblegum nastiness! The beat must be completely annoying to most people, but this song and its lyrics brings out the 21-year-old in me, and it makes me want to get up and dance like I'm in a club and it's 3am.

Um yea, that ain't gonna happen but I can pretend. I'm a 30-something, tired, borderline insane, work-at-home housewife....who likes to dance. Throw me a bone, will ya?

Also, watch for the singer's piercing above her upper lip. And freaky as it may sound...I kinda like it. Did you know that's called a "Hitler Piercing"? I just learned that the other day. Gee, I feel smart now.

If you think the song sounds like fingernails down a chalkboard, no worries. I understand. But this song's only meant for all my old lady housewives who wish they had the energy (but don't) go dancing at a club until 3am...

I'm even including the lyrics below because there's lots of fun swearing and inappropriate content. I gotta get my curse words and offensive fun somewhere...





DJ, DJ, DJ

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henny XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce

They call me Dev
I ain't yo average bitch
I'm in the club every weekend
On some sav ass shit

And now I ain't too pretty
To slap a hoe
So all you girls actin' shitty
Better hit the back door

Where the guy, where he at
I think I saw him in the back
I think we're outnumbered, fuck it (fuck it)
I got a baseball bat (I got a baseball bat)

Where the hell am I gonna catch a man like that
Put his number in my hand like that
Ripped it up like I didn't give a fuck
And I didn't give him a chance like that

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henney XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce

Ridin', in the saucy whip
Never give a fuck it don't cost me shit
I'm a gangster baby, just kidding
Oh. No. She. Didn't.

Can't do it like me (Uh uh)
Nah, can't do it like me
Nah, nah nah nah, can't do it like me
I bet you wish you can do it like me

Poppin' bottles in the ice (in the ice)
Like a blizzard (like a blizzard)
When we drink we do it right
Gettin' slizzard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride)
Like Three 6 (Three 6)
Now I'm feelin' so fly
Like a G6

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henney XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce

Poppin' bottles in the ice (in the ice)
Like a blizzard (like a blizzard)
When we drink we do it right
Gettin' slizzard

Sippin' sizzurp in my ride (in my ride)
Like Three 6 (Three 6)
Now I'm feelin' so fly
Like a G6

Like a G6
Like a G6
Now I'm feelin' so fly
Like a G6

[Chorus]
DJ put that record on
That's my song, that's my shit
Rocking Henney XO
All these hoes, on my dick

[ x 3 ]
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce
Bet you want to see this
Booty bounce

Bet you want to see this
Booty bouncy bounce b-booty bounce (bounce!)

Things on the Creep-Factor Scale

I have a little game I play with myself. I like to put things on my creep-factor scale. Here's a few of my favorites and where they stand.

Babies who read. Have you seen those commercials with the eight-month-old baby reading words and books? If not, go here to see it. Ok, first of all, what kind of parents feel the need to have their little baby read? This isn't fucking Harvard....the kid is one year old. Give the kid a few years to be a kid for fuck's sake. Creep Factor: 8

Levi Johnston posing nude. I know this is old news but, unless you've been living under a rock for the past two years, you know that Levi Johnston is Bristol Palin's baby daddy. He's taken every opportunity to blast Sarah Palin and even posed naked on the side. The kid is barely over 18 and the nekid pictures show him in the shower, towel over his ding dong, and water dripping off his body. Looking at the pictures gave me this gross, uncomfortable feeling like accidentally seeing my younger brother naked....gag. Creep Factor: 10+

People who sit/stand right next to you in an empty movie theatre, elevator, bus or otherwise. My big sister and I have a joke about this -- why do people do this? There's plenty of space to sit, why must someone sit right next to another person when there's ten million other seats around? Creep Factor: 7.5 (and totally annoying)

Speaking of Levi...

Bristol Palin trying to look "sexy" on Dancing With the Stars. Ok, god bless her for having the balls to do this, but watching her dance makes me so incredibly uncomfortable I want to turn away. It's like watching a 7th grade boy at his first dance. Yikes. Creep Factor: 4

Facebook Stalkers. Do you know the type? The Facebook friend that has to comment on EVERY single one of your pictures, Wall posts, friends' Wall posts, friends of friends' wall posts, and everything in between? Sure, I like to hear what my friends are thinking but...go clean your house for awhile or something and get off my page. Creep Factor: 6

My Month In Pictures

Fall is finally upon us! I have to keep reminding myself that we haven't experienced a fall "season" in six years -- since before we moved to Las Vegas in 2003. The trees are stunning! This one's in my backyard.

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A picture from one of the freelance jobs I did last weekend. Take note, ladies. Chunky rings are IN right now!

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Go Phillies! (see the flag?) Yes, I admit it. I think I'm becoming a Phillies fan. You won't ever see me rooting for the Eagles, though. Just sayin.
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The Hubs enjoying the balcony on our first morning of the cruise. More on that later...
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My boy, Jack, just got his first real camera. Here's one of his "test" shots. Ava's got food in her mouth and I am shiny and broken out after a long day of being mom. This is my life 99% of the time, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It doesn't make for very pretty pictures, though.
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The Hubs took Jack to a Phillies game a few weeks ago and they had seats right behind the visiting team's dugout. They managed to catch FOUR foul balls. How they did that, I will never know. They gave one ball away and came home with three. The kid doesn't even know how lucky he is!
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One morning a few weeks ago I was sitting in my kitchen, having coffee, with the screen door open. I kept hearing this funny sound...tap tap tap! What is that? Tap tap tap! It was feet -- lots of them. Running right by my house: a local 5 & 10k race, and the route was my street! So the kids and I grabbed our shoes and ran out to clap them on...in our pajamas. It was a fun morning and I think the runners appreciated it, too -- we got a lot of friendly waves and smiles from them (which is kinda unusual for Philly folk lol). Maybe one day I'll do another one of those races myself...

My Daughter Has Turned Into Satan

I used to have a daughter who was sweet, easy going, funny as all heck and had the most charming personality I've ever seen a four-year-old possess.

Then she turned into Satan. I dont know exactly when shit hit the parental fan, but the shit's been flying all over my house for a few weeks now.

Now I have a daughter who whines, screams, scratches, kicks and bites and has the balls to - not only hit her older brother - but hit ME, too. The first time she hit me I was so stunned I think I just stood there in shock.

I will gently tell her "No Ava, you cannot have another cookie." And within half a second she has thrown herself on the floor and is writhing, kicking, screaming and wailing like a possessed animal with Satan himself inside of her. The noises that come out of that girl's mouth are mind boggling.

Ava had a tantrum the other day and The Hubs and I just stared at each other in disbelief with our jaws hanging open. What? Who is this child? Where did Ava go? Who is this spawn of Satan? She's almost five...she's never thrown tantrums like this...ever.

Until now.

The worst thing she's ever done in her life is pick on our cat. Now? She bites. She scratches. She kicks. She makes dying animal sounds that would scare any random neighbor that might come to the door. "Oh that noise? Oh, no, we're not watching The Exorcist, that's just my daughter...she's mad...don't mind her..."

She used to play jokes. And giggle. And sing. And charm anyone who spoke to her.

Now I'm lucky if I get a "yes, mom" instead of a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Oh dear God.

Don't you love it when your kids pull that crap out in public? It's like you want to be firm, but you know others are watching you. So you go back and forth in your head between wanting to punch a wall vs smiling and acting like the perfect, patient mother? At least I do.

"Now Ava honey, you know it's not ok to act like that..." All the while, I'm wishing I could throw up, slap my forehead and scream "WHY ME!!!??"

I thought I'd gotten lucky with Ava. She was my easy-going child.

Ummmmm, nope. Nice try, Tasha.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

This week's theme? 80s songs! Come on, girls. We all know we have them.

Here are mine.

Don't laugh. Ok, go ahead and laugh.

"If You Were Here" by The Thompson Twins. Remember Samantha, sadly standing at her sister's wedding, after everyone had left her there, this song starts to play...and there's Jake Ryan waiting for her with his red Porsche. *Swoon*



"Forever Young" by Alphaville. This is one of those songs that my husband hears and says "Oh god, what IS this shit?" But seriously, it's an excellent song. The video is completely ridiculous but, hey, they can't be perfect with a name like Alphaville anyway, right? (Did you know Jay Z redid this song? It's soooo not the same but not half bad, either.)



"No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper. I remember seeing Rocky IV in the theatre when I was about eight. I loved it - looking back now, I have no idea why an eight-year-old girl would like this movie but...whatevs! I did! This song was my favorite part, and I still listen to this song when I'm working out.

Plus, my husband and I have been screaming Ivan Drago's (the Russian boxer) movie lines at each other for the past ten years.

"He's not human. He's like a piece of iron."

"If he dies, he dies!"

"I must break you."

"Yatzebya! Yatzebya!"

And unless you're an insane Rocky fan like The Hubs and me, none of those quotes will make any sense to you. It's ok. Not everyone can be as cool as me.

"I Wanna Go Back" by Eddie Money. I LOVE Eddie Money. Love love love him. The keyboards and sax solos...the reminiscent lyrics....the hair. Need I say more?

I'm back!

I'm back! Did ya miss me? I feel like I've been away for an eternity.

We arrived back in Philly late yesterday afternoon and today I am doing my best to decompress.

But I still feel like I'm swaying back and forth on the ocean. Seriously. Why do I still feel like that? I don't thing my brain has gotten off the ship yet.

Anyway! I'm trying to unpack and catch up on some laundry. Don't you love washing bedsheets? You know how the drier has a knack for wrapping the sheets up into a little, tightly-knotted ball of damp mess? How does the dryer DO that? I have to pull them out....unwind...untangle (it takes me a good 10 minutes methinks)...swear at them a few times...and then return them to the dryer every 30 minutes - for half the day - in order to get them 100% dry. I've even been known to say "eff it" and put them back on the bed damp. The Hubby will get in and say "Is this bed wet?"

Um no, honey....it's just...cold. Yea. The sheets are cold. Of course it's not wet! What kind of housewife do you think I am?

See, I can see you nodding your head. Only housewives know shit like this.

I'm also desperately trying to catch up on emails - I only had 80 in my personal box. Not too bad. But I had over 150 in my work box. Ahhhh, crap. That's going to take some time to sort through. Bring on the coffee!

And gee, I only have to go grocery shopping, clean the house, do 10 loads of laundry and get a present for an upcoming birthday party later this week. No sweat, right?

Um, yea. Right.

At least I'm sporting a great tan from hanging out at the ship's pool all week. I'm sure the people at the grocery store will appreciate my tan. And I have over a pound of ground, Dunkin Doughnuts coffee in the kitchen, ready to go.

Gotta think positive.

So give me a few days and I'll be back full swing. I have lots to share about the cruise - there were some unexpected bumps along the way, but then this wouldn't be my life if there weren't. In the meantime, here's a little teaser picture to tide you over. This is The Hubs and me at the pool on one of our sunny days....

TTFN!