Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Anyway, so after years of bartending, I got to know the songs that drunk people liked to listen to. Partly from the music played on the jukebox, partly from the times the drunks would randomly break out into song, partly from all the karaoke nights I had to be tortured with during my shifts.
Here are some of my favorite drunk songs:
-Sublime's "Santeria". Dear God. This song was very cool and fun when it first came out in 1996, but, sweet bearded Jesus, I've heard it 10,000 times too many. This song gets played at every... single... fucking... dive bar... in existence... at least ten times a day. I don't need to hear how he has a dalmatian and can still get high... ANY more!
-Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl". What is it with drunk chicks liking this song? Every bar I've worked has played this song regularly and, whenever it would come on, every single woman in the place would get up and start singing at the top of her lungs....while the dudes would just sit back and smirk. Yeah, they're gettin laid tonight. Sigh. Is it last call yet?
-Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes". Ok, so this is the song that boyfriends would play for their girlfriends, to show that they were "sensitive". Oh please. Too bad the bartender could see right through their bullshit. But did I tell on boys? Nope...I just offered their girl another shot - on me! Yuk yuk yuk! I wouldn't be the one holding their hair when they were barfing an hour later - I'd be the one collecting the tips for treating their girl nice.....thank you very much......
-Eric Clapton's "Cocaine". Uh huh. Need I say more?
-Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy". Um dude, you're not sexy. You're drunk and spitting in my face. Move along.
-Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive". I hate this song. Ladies, if you care at all about your reputation, DON'T sing this song. People will remember it and hold it against for the rest of your life.
So that's my starter list. Anyone have any songs they'd like to add?
Monday, February 22, 2010
You can read about my past food events under my March Of Dimes tab or Share Our Strength's Taste of the Nation, Las Vegas.
And then there's The 2009 Epicurean Affair...
I'm honored and thrilled to announce that I've been invited to another amazing foodie event called The Red Ball produced by The Philadelphia Red Cross. As we all know, The Red Cross has been very busy in the Haiti relief efforts, so this event comes at a very appropriate time.
The Red Ball is a “red-tie” gala event featuring food tasting from 40 of
All proceeds from the Red Ball will benefit the Southeastern Pennsylvania Chapter of the Red Cross and the operations of their one-of-a-kind Red Cross House recovery facility located in West Philadelphia. Red Cross House is a stable environment designed to help families find shelter and recover from a disaster by supporting their emotional, spiritual and physical needs.
Catering for the American Red Cross Red Ball Press Preview Party provided by Max & Me Catering.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Welcome to another edition of Suck It Sunday! Have someone or something you'd like to tell to suck it? Snag the graphic and go to town - that or just leave your suckiness in the comment box.
1. People who follow too closely in their cars can suck it. Seriously, if I'm unable to see their front bumper in my rear view mirror because they're too busy riding my ass, then they're driving too dang close. I've gotten pretty good at giving death stares through the mirror. I don't need that person driving the rusted up, '79 Toyota Civic to run into the back of my car. Hello people - I've got my kids in here with me. So slow down...and suck it!
2. Parents who don't teach their children to be kind and friendly to other kids can suck it. My boy is having trouble making friends in his new school. He is student of the week next week, so he had to fill out a survey about himself to read to the class. One of the questions was "what are your three wishes?"
You know what he wrote? "A trampoline, a space room and a new friend"
God dammit....way to break my heart. My kid has three wishes for anything...and he asks for a friend? Ugh. Excuse me while I follow him to school and hunt down all those cliquish first grade boys....is slapping someone else's kid illegal?
3. Tiger Woods can suck it this week. His apology shouldn't have been THAT important to begin with, and what he did say was total BS. Scripted, rehearsed and totally not believable. Hey, did I ever tell you guys that one of his mistresses, Jamie Jungers, used to babysit one of my Vegas girlfriend's daughter? My girlfriend said Jamie would come over and talk about Tiger, and how it was common knowledge among everyone that she was effing him. Innnnneresting!4. The snow can suck it again this week. I still have two feet of snow in my yard and it ain't melting fast enough. I'm ready for flowers and grass and warming weather....so bring on Spring!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Every time you go away, you take a piece of poop...and eat it!
(Correct words- Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you) Laugh all you want! I think I was like seven when I composed the poop words. By the way, check out the link above to see how craptastic Paul Young's hair was.
But did you ever listen to the same song, say ten years later, and finally figure out what the real words were?
Um yea, that happened to me recently. I was in my car, singing along to the fantastic song, "Low" by Cracker....
A million poppies gonna make me sleep. Just one row and it knows your name. The fruit is rusting on the vine. The fruit is calling from the trees.
And then it hit me.....
Holy shit, this song is about drugs. So I had to listen to it again, just to make sure.
Hey! Don't you wanna go down? Like some disgraced cosmonaut. A million miles below their feet....
Who knew?! It's still a good song. I like drug songs. I don't discriminate. Hellooooo Mr. Tambourine Man?
Here's the song in all its glory. Takes me back to 1994 and my high school days...and believe it or not, I never did drugs. I'm just crazy like this naturally.
Maybe that's why I never "got" this song?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My hubby is always really good about making the day special. Thanks honey bun! He surprised me with a reservation to Smith & Wollensky for a family dinner. I have three letters for you....Y U M. I prepped the kids to be on their best behavior, and brought along plenty of video games and my ipod touch. My plan worked and we ended up having a very nice evening!
This dinner was the first time I'd been out of the house (other than to go to the grocery store) in a freakin MONTH. Right now, I live a pathetic life. But I'm working on changing that! More on that soon....
Here's the kiddos and me on our way out the door to dinner...we were very excited. I hope you and yours had a great V-Day!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Despite the fact that they are all closely linked to the Internet - they are fundamentally different ways of life.
Tasha - Young mother and author of the blog TheHousewifeDiaries.com
A former bartender, now an exemplary mother of two children is my diary and knows about his simple family life. In the menu on the left you can see a cloud of tags that describe the place where they go to rest the whole family. Frankly - I adore these "Photo", because in them you can see the simplicity and naturalness of family life and life in general.
Creepy? Yeah, maybe just a little bit. Especially since the guy looks like he has whiskers. Is that a new Russian fad? Whiskers? Or maybe they just help him find his way around in all that deep snow.
Thanks, Russian Dude, for the compliments. I'm glad you adore my pictures - they are cute, aren't they? A little scary that I "represent the American fair sex" to Russian men. If they only knew! Yuk yuk yuk! And bless your little heart for calling me a "young" mother.....young? I look young? Sweet. Not only that but I'm an "exemplary mother"? Shit if I look like an exemplary mother then God help the American people. Remind me to remember this next time my six-year-old tells me what a crappy job I'm doing.
"But Jack, a dude in Russia thinks I'm exemplary! So take THAT and stick it where the sun don't shine!"
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"There's all this swearing....it's fuck this, and suck-it that..." he said.
I couldn't help but giggle at first, because anyone who blogs themselves knows that these little blog babies of ours are specifically for shit like that - complaining, moaning and groaning and general ranting, and in my case, swearing. I never swear in real life. Well, hardly ever. I don't want my kids hearing it, and plus, I come up with other words to replace the naughty ones. But god knows I love me some good swear words. So I swear it up here and, that way, when my significant other comes around, I can put on the happy face and get on with life - with a clean mouth.
Makes sense, right?
But then I got to thinkin....
Maybe my blog is too bitchy. Mostly I hate people who perpetually complain. It drives me nuts when a person sits on their ass and bitches, and doesn't DO anything about their problem. I would hate for others to see me like that.
However, I did just move to a strange city, not knowing a soul, and am trying to jump in with both feet and start my life over...again. The hubs and I have done this twice before - once to San Diego and once to Vegas. So I'm not a rookie....but I'm not exactly "good" at doing this move thing, either.
It's a tough balance. But while I'm trying to figure out my new life here in Philly, in my quiet moments I often reflect on how lucky I am, and how this time has given me the opportunity to slow the fuck down and learn to just enjoy my life and my kids. It's been amazing to just "be a mom" and not worry about how I'm going to find the time to get everything done, or what I'm going to wear to the next party....
I've spent the past eight weeks in mom sweats and ponytails - no events to attend, no friends to have over, nowhere to go. I've welcomed my boy home from school every day ready to help him with his homework and bake cookies together. That's time I'll never get back, and I'm so grateful that I've been able to do that with him. I've spent loads of afternoons with my daughter, teaching her new songs and snuggling an extra few minutes when she wants it. I'm not the type of mom that could do this for the rest of my mom career - I'd go totally insane being home 24/7 - but for now, I'm trying to appreciate that I have the time, and the patience, and the energy to enjoy it while it's here.
So, even though I'm not exactly "happy" right now, I'm not sad, either. Figuring out my new path isn't easy. It's going to take lots of mental processing, time and patience, but most of all emotional courage....or as I like to call it...balls. I'm going to need some big balls to get through this. Luckily I've got some stashed away for times like these.
My apologies if I've been too bitchy. I certainly didn't mean to come across as The Negative Housewife (just call me Debbie Downer? Wah! Wah! Wahhhh!). To cheer up the place a bit, here are some of my favorite pictures from the past couple of weeks.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
So sorry my Suck-It Sunday is running late today, but the Internet has been out all morning...thanks to Snowmageddon. Snowmageddon...you know, the 3 feet of snow the east coast was buried in yesterday morning? Growing up in Colorado, this shit ain't nothin new to me. It still sucks, though. I've never liked the snow. Snowstorms are fun for a few hours, but then the family and I stop liking each other and we need to get out of the house. Remember I work from home all week so once the weekend rolls around I am ready to get OUT. I tried to make the best out of the day and spent most of it watching the newscast (something I never get to do!), drinking coffee, making homemade cinnamon rolls and cream cheese brownies and listening to lots of classical music. Sounds pretty decent, eh?
Just to give you an idea of how bad it was at my place, check out the pictures I took:
The snow along our sliding door was almost as tall as little miss Ava!
Anyone want to have a BBQ?
It's supposed to snow more this Tuesday and Wednesday. Great. Can't wait....can you sense my excitement?
So I have only one thing that can SUCK-IT this week. Can you guess what it is? The snow. The snow can suck it this week. Philadelphia has received 50 freakin inches of snow this season. They're calling it a "historic" winter. Lovely. Enough already for pete's sake. I just got here.
Is it spring time yet?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My daughter, Ava, and I have been spending a lot of time together lately - she's been sick so I've kept her home with me. All day. Every day. Capiche? Here's a picture of her and Jack - this shows Ava's personality in all its glory. Yep, that's my girl!
Ava: "I need to hurry up before it gets there!"
My mommy radar is up, so I ask...
Me: Before what gets there?
Ava: My pee.
Me: Before your pee gets where?
Ava: My pants.
Ava: I need to hurry....before it gets there!
Me: You mean you need to go to hurry up and go to the bathroom before you pee your pants?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
And then there's the extremely intelligent people who hear you speak and then politely ask "are you sick?"
No, you stupid moron. I just like to talk out of my nose. Doesn't everyone? Yes, I'm sick. Thanks for asking. Can I cough on you now?
As I said yesterday, my precious daughter handed this cold over to me. She's been pretty sick, too. Her nose is even runnier than mine, and I've had to beg her to blow her nose every ten minutes....cause we all know how much kids loooove to blow their noses, don't we moms?
That was sarcasm, by the way.
So I hold a tissue over her face and finally get Ava to blow, but instead of blowing into the Kleenex, she blows her snot all over my hand. (shudder, gag, shudder) How do kids do that? Does she have a little snot steering wheel up her nose?
I hate snot. I can stand pee, puke, poo and the random shit I find in my son's hair, but there's something about boogers that makes me want to heave.
So there I am, dry gagging, holding a dry tissue with my hand covered in snot...while my daughter carelessly shuffles away.
Can someone get me a barf bag?
And some soap and water?
And some hand sanitiser?
Being sick with your kids is the best. I wonder if a martini and some Mucinex would make me feel better...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Or maybe that's just me.
Anyway, I'd never made a lasagna in my life (pretty pathetic, eh?) so I thought a crock pot recipe would be a good place to get my tootsies wet. Amazingly, this recipe is a piece of cake...and it's GOOD! I made just a few tweaks - I cooked it for only four hours, because the reviews said the noodles become too soft after six hours, and I also added some defrosted spinach to the layers. YUM!
My daughter brought me a lovely present home from school this week: a bad cold. I've been feeling under the weather for the past few days, so some warm, easy-to-make lasagna sounds like the perfect end to a sick day.
Click to see the recipe below. Bon appetit! Make sure to come back and tell me how it was.