Suck-It Sunday

Welcome to Suck-It Sunday! Here's my weekly list of people, places and things that I'd like to tell to suck it. Have your own list? Grab the graphic and go to town. Just make sure to let me know so I can read it and laugh along with you. And it would be really super awesome if you link me back from your suckiness.

1. Freelancer taxes can suck it. I work full-time from home, which to most moms sounds like the job of a lifetime. And for the most part, ok...it is. Only did you know that a free-lancer pays twice as many taxes as an office-bound career woman? Yea. Ouch. I already make about a third of what I would make working outside of the home, but then I have to bend over and pay an entire month's worth of my salary in annual taxes. Awesome. So suck it, freelance taxes. Thanks to J for the Suck-It heads up!

2. Rush Limbaugh can suck it. He's a complete psycho...and he's not even a nice psycho. He's a jerk. Need I say more? Thanks to my fellow scribe, VegasGhostDude, for the Suck-It!

3. Frozen beer. Ok, maybe this is a strange one but...sometimes I put a couple of bottles of beer in the freezer to cool them quick. I hate waiting for cold beer! But if I'm having a particularly crazy night (my kids puking, for instance) I forget about the beer. Which means I wake up to a nice little freezer present in the morning: frozen, slushy, exploded-all-over-the-god-damn-freezer beer bottles. Not only that but the beer inside is completely ruined. Damn. You'd think I'd remember my lesson after the first time? Ummm, nope. Happened just this week. So frozen beer can Suck-It.

4. People who give too much advice. Sometimes, a woman just needs to vent. She needs to ramble on about how shitty the bathroom looks and how much laundry she has to do and how much her son's feet stink. So she calls her people, and most of her people are awesome. But there are a select few that think she wants advice on how to do her laundry faster, how she needs to suck it up that her husband doesn't put the toilet seat down, and how investing in some odor eaters will take care of her son's stinky feet.

Um, just shut up. Shut the hell up. I don't need your advice. I need you to shut your pie hole so I can get it all out. Then, after we hang up, feel free to gossip about me and tell you husband how immature and silly I am. If I need advice, usually I'll say something really clever like....wait for it....."I need your advice on something...." Ding ding!

Damn that felt good!

5. Teenagers in the movie theatres who kick the seat in front of them during the entire movie (especially when I'm the one sitting in the seat in front of them).

6. John Edwards can Suck-It again this week.

7. Low-rise jeans. Dear low-rise jeans, you were fun in my mid 20s, and showing people my ass crack every time I sat down was the best. But now that I have a post-baby muffin top and, dear god, no one wants to see my crack anymore....why are you still being made? Go away! I don't want to see you ever...again. Ever. Low-rise jeans, you can totally Suck-It.
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Bloggy Recognition

It's really nice when one gives you some bloggy recognition. I received some this week and I couldn't be happier about it.

One of my favorite bloggers, Closer To Lucy, named me as her Blog of the Week. I don't know what the hell she was thinking (too many martinis?) but she did an amazing write up about my bloggy style. So Lucy, I humbly bow down to you. Thank you for the love and smart-assed support. Right back at you.

Lookie, she even did up my header:



So go over and check Lucy out. After all, she found the answers to all of life's questions in some breath spray!

Things I Need

Things I need:

1. A Life

2. More gay men friends. I've been telling the hubs this for years. I love gay men. Always have. Why? Not sure. Maybe because they dress better than I do? I've seen TONS of gay men since moving to Philly. Way more than I ever saw in Las Vegas. Kind of ironic, don't you think? So where I can hang out and make some gay men friends?

3. More purses. There is a Coach Outlet store at the Nevada - California border. I was able to get my purse fix there every six months or so when the family and I would make trips out to the coast. Now, I'm getting bored of my purses. Plus, I could use a little retail therapy. My ass is lonely.

4. Lose 20 pounds of blubber. But then you already knew that.

5. A babysitter. How I'm going to find a good one? I have no freaking clue. The neighbor across the street says she has a great, college-aged babysitter and that I could use her. I just haven't gotten the balls up to go over there and ask for the number. Why? Because I'm shy? Yeah, that's it. You believe me, right?

6. A magazine column. This is my career dream - to have a sassy, advice-driven weekly column. That, and a book deal.

Gay Men in the 1930s...

Is it just me or does the prince on Snow White look like a total homo? Not that there's anything wrong with that. And I do realize that men in the 1930s looked much "prettier" than they do now but...come on! None of the other Disney princes wear lipstick.

Just sayin.

Snow White is one of my daughter's favorite movies. She calls the dwarfs "doors" and sings along to every song. I have to listen to that movie every few days. ((shudder))

I have a hard time tolerating Snow White and her shaky, whiny singing voice. I think the girl needs to go to boot camp and toughen up. She's much too soft for my taste. Not only that but her prince boyfriend obviously likes boys. The dude looks like he's wearing more lipstick and mascara than Snow White. I can just imagine him and Snow White shopping for purses together and getting pedicures.

You know it's true.

Skip to the three minute mark to see my favorite gay prince in action.

Suck-It Sunday

Suck-It Sunday

Welcome to my very first Suck-It Sunday. Have someone you'd like to scream suck it to? Share it in the comments. Even better, write your own 'Suck-It Sunday' and link it back to me. Maybe we can get lots of people to join in on the sucky fun. Next week I'll have a Mr. Linky Blinkie made to share with everyone. Here we go...

-- The senior citizens who think that, just because they're old and cranky, they can butt in front of me in a long line and pretend that they didn't. Look woman, I know you're cranky but so am I...and I can totally kick your ass. I was going to let go in front of me but, now that you've butted, you can suck it.

-- Speaking of butting in line, what is it with people being a-holes in their cars? Some people do things, say things, hold certain fingers up that they would never do in person. Just because they have a car between them and me protecting them doesn't give them the right to lay on their horn at me when I'm waiting on someone else's dumb ass to move. Yea, they can suck it.

-- People who tell my husband that he is "robbing the cradle" when they hear how old I am. I am 32 and he is 39. I thought I would stop hearing that once I got out of my 20s. Um, nope. The hubs says I shouldn't let it bother me but, for fuck's sake...how many times do I have to hear it? So robbing the cradle can suck it.

-- Anne Coulter, Glen Beck, John Edwards, Jon & Kate Gosselin, Dr. Laura, Michael Vick, Osama Bin Laden and my biological father can all suck it. Hard.

-- Taxes can suck it. We recently moved to a city that has some pretty incredible taxes (like the $100 a week we're paying just because the hubs works downtown but lives outside of the Philadelphia city limits - ouch). Hello U.S. Government. Oh, it's our turn to pay taxes? Ok, hold on a minute while I bend over....

Deep Thoughts

Is it bad that I've had just as much fun playing the Princess Wii game as my four-year-old daughter? The thing is fun! No fighting, no hard script or story lines to follow, and daym, it's easy! Easy is good. I realize I'm playing a game that's meant for an eight-year-old but... still. My brain is fried from being home all day - throw me a bone, people!

We even get to dress our character how we want, from hairstyles, eye color, dress and jewelry. I can sit and keep the diva daughter occupied for hours! Good, educational, quality time.

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I still jump every time the Pillsbury Crescent Roll tube pops open. I'm such a wuss. I know it's going to pop...I know it's going to pop....it's going to pop now.....*POP!* Shit! And yet it still scares me every time.

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Our new house has a lady bug invasion. Don't ask me where they all came from but the little buggers are everywhere. I find at least 10 a day all over my floors. Gross. My daughter has even started playing with the dead ones (or they're dead once she gets a hold of them *snicker*). She'll come up and show me, and tell me she's putting it to bed and when it wakes up "it will be alive again!"

Sweet. My daughter's entertainment is playing with dead ladybug carcases. I suppose there could be worse bugs around....

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

Bloggy Updates and Puke

Just a quick post for you today. The hubs and I were awakened by the sound of little children heaving and spewing puke all over their beds last night at 2am. And get this - both kids started puking at the exact same time! Like within a few minutes of each other.

That's one hell of a stomach bug.

Anyway, the kiddies never really stopped puking...until about 10am this morning. Don't you love young kids who puke? They don't care where they puke - they just sort of turn their head to the side and let it go. Doesn't matter if they're in their bed, on the couch, or walking down the hall to tell you their puking (that one was an awesome clean up, by the way - a trail of puke down the hall...). So, the hubs and I have been awake since 2am. We're tired. We're taking care of sick kids. And the whole house smells like barf. The husband was making me giggle at 4am calling our house a big "barf-o-rama!"

Yummy!

You find out how good your washing machine actually is when you try to wash puke out of a blanket. Moms, you know what I'm talking about, don't ya? I just bought a brand new, high efficiency washer (that has the middle agitator thingy missing...it uses its amazing "wave action" instead to get clothes clean. Well, evidently, the fancy wave action doesn't work so well on puke. Or maybe it's just chunky puke it doesn't like?

Hym. Y'all ready to eat now?

Back to what I was going to tell ya...

I've made a few updates to The Housewife Diaries! First is Blogger.com has introduced a fun new gadget. If you look to the left sidebar, you'll see a "Search the Diaries" option. That means you can search all of my blog posts with whatever key word you choose. It's pretty spiffy.

I also updated my Ipod music list. Any songs you don't recognize? Anything you hate? Dish it and tell me what you think.

Ok, that's it! I'm off to wash some more blankets and go to bed early. I've got a few fun blogs lined up for the next few weeks so stay tuned!

New Year's Resolutions - Take One

So I'm about a week late, but I wanted to share my New Year's Resolutions with you lovely people.

Actually, I don't do resolutions, I'm just making all this shit up.

Resolution #1: Lose 20 pounds by December 2010. They say you should give yourself a reasonable amount of time to achieve your goals, so I figure 12 months is a *decent* amount of time to lose 20 pounds. Am I right!? Am I right!?

That's 1.666666666 pounds a month.

Totally reasonable, shah!

I'm going to work as hard as my fat butt will allow me each month to get that 1.66666666 pounds off. That's .42 pounds a week, people! Tough stuff! Biggest loser, here I come! I figure, by next December, I'll be nice and slim... just in time to pig out again next Christmas.

Resolution #2: Stop drinking so much. Ok, I'll admit I'm bored. I'm stressed. I have no friends. I've been having a glass *cough bottle cough* of wine a little too frequently lately. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not....because then it might become a habit. A very BAD habit. It makes me fat, it makes me feel like shit the next day, it goes down too easily. So from here on out, it's about the peach flavored Crystal Light instead of the glass of Cabernet. Please pray for me that I don't go to hell and have to drink Cabernet with the devil for all eternity.

Resolution #3: Run another 5K. Here's more of that healthy stuff! God, what is it with the New Year and being healthy? Kind of gets on my nerves. I ran a 5K in 2008 and it was fantastic - yes, I had a good time and, although I thought I was going to die at the time, I didn't....and I was skinner, too. If I sign my butt up for an actual race, it'll motivate me more to exercise. I got rid of my gym membership in Vegas, so now I'm doing the nature thing and running around my neighborhood instead. It's freakin cold out right now in Philly- perfect running weather. Plus, I have enough blubber to keep a whale warm for weeks, so I shouldn't get cold outdoors.

Resolution #4: Take good care of my skin. I'm starting to notice little things about my face that are changing...mainly the sag that's going on. My frown lines are not going away - they're more like frown shadows at this point, but I see where the shadows will eventually become lines...then wrinkles. Gah. I've always had big, dark circles under my eyes. I can thank my mom for that. They're getting bigger. And longer. And deeper. And more purple.

Shit.

The part that's bugging me the most is my chin. What the hell is with my chin? I have this little flap of skin underneath - it's not a double chin, it's just saggy. I have a saggy chin? Well what am I supposed to do about that? So I'm hoping that a little tightening cream will do the trick.

The point is, my face is slowly heading towards my boobs, and it ain't going back up. Like, ever. Good thing my boobs don't sag - they still look fabulous. And for $5000, they'd better. Funny story - before we moved to Philly, my gal pals were over, consoling me about the move. And you know what they said to cheer me up? "Tasha just think - you'll have the best looking tits in town!"

Thanks girls. I've got a great rack...and a saggy chin.

(Click to read my Breast Implant Diaries, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2)

Beep!

OK, no offence to Philadelphia but....people are kind of assholes here. The impression I get is that they're proud of it... or something? I had a hard day at work so maybe I'm just grumpy.

I feel kinda out of place with my laid-back, really friendly nature. People don't smile at each other, they don't wave hello in the neighborhoods, and god damn they love their car horns.

So lets talk car horns. Seriously, I have been honked at more in the past month than I have in my entire driving life...which is 16 years if you want the math. I'm a good driver - I haven't had a speeding ticket - or been in an accident - since I was 16. I'm not a slow driver, but I don't speed, either. Not with my babies in the car. But my son has started realizing that mom is getting beeped at.

Great.

Like I need my kid shit talking to me while I'm trying to secretly flip off the other driver without my kids seeing me. That takes art, people!

So I've started using my horn back, just to see how it feels.

"Oh! That person just cut me off!" BEEEEP!

"Crap...that guy is weaving all over the road." BEEEEEP!

"OMG...that woman is totally looking at me funny in the rear view." BEEEEEEEEEP!

"Hey look! That kid doesn't have his coat on!" BEEEEEEEEP!!

I'm getting some entertainment out of it but, mostly, I just feel like an asshole. I don't like feeling like an a-hole. I'm a lover, not a fighter. You can call me Michael. (did you get that one?)

I'd talk about more cerebral, interesting things but, really, I haven't done much other than stay at my house for over two weeks. Maybe this is the beginning if me losing my mind? I'm not used to being cooped up in my house every day. I'm a people person, I need my adult interaction!

My grown-up perspective tells me this wont last forever, that I'll make friends and have a social life eventually, but in the meantime, please excuse the weird, psychotic posts that I might make.

Carry on.

Lexus Joyride Update

Remember that my husband's car didn't get returned to us exactly the way way left it? Here's the latest.

He was finally able to bring it in to the Lexus dealership (which happened to be 20 miles in the opposite direction - great) for a full inspection.

As we knew, the passenger's side rear view mirror had been completely ripped off. The auto relocation company told us the truck driver claimed that, during transport, the mirror was caught on a "hose".

Uh huh.

There were also two nails in one of the tires. Don't forget there were an additional 90 miles on the car when it was dropped off to us. The gas tank was completely empty, too. Can you say joy ride?

We submitted a claim last week. The auto relocation company said they cannot tell us anything about their "investigation" until after we submit the claim. Know why? So they can cover their asses. They don't want to have to tell us too much...although I wonder how much they'll tell us anyway.

Damaged mirror & parts: $803.13

Labor: $169.95

Tire replacement, balance & labor: $272.00

Total cost of the claim: $1319.72

Half a tank of gas, plus refueling to get the car to drive again: $28.15

Total: $1347.87

That's a pretty expensive joy ride if you ask me.

The crappy part about this is we had to pay for it ourselves and then wait to be reimbursed. I've considered filing a police report against them (the car was stolen, after all) and am filing a complaint to the BBB. All of this BS has taken a lot of our time and effort, and like we needed this right after moving across the country to a strange city.

Fuckers.

We're still waiting on word back from the company after submitting our claim this past week. I'm curious what they're going to come back with. I'll be happy just as long as who ever stole the car is fired. If they come back, say they'll pay it, but aren't willing to tell us anything else.... I'll be furious.

Want to hear the update on my claim? Read it here- Lexus Joyride Update, Take Two