It's been cold in Philly. Damn cold. I forgot how much I loathe freezing my ass off.
Have you ever used an ice scraper? Why is it that, when I'm standing outside freezing my ass off, the scraper only removes a sliver of ice with each stroke? I'm mean, come ON, the scraper has this long, wide edge but 75% of it doesn't actually scrape any ice off...so I have to scrape over the same spot ten times. Scrape! Nope. Scrape! Nope. Scrape scrape scrape! Damn! Nope. And then I'm left with a half-cleared windshield with stripes of ice going across it. After a few minutes if this, I get so cold I decide I've scraped enough, get in my car, and attempt to peek through the stripes hoping I can see the road.
So why didn't I think ahead and just start my car a few minutes early? Because I'm an idiot, that's why.
Why is it that manufactures fill juice boxes so full that when I go to put the straw into the foiled hole, juice immediately squirts all over my hands? In this day and age, can't they figure out a solution for that?
Or how about the Yoplait yogurts...those lids are on so tightly that, I have to sternly grip the container to get the lid off, which then makes the yogurt explode all over my hand, my shirt, and anything else that's within four feet of it. The thing is, I know the yogurt's going to spray, and yet I continue to open it the same way, swearing at it after it sprays me with yogurt. Why do I do this to myself? Because I'm an idiot, that's why.
Same goes for the Campbell's Chunky Soup lids. I have to peel the metal lid off, and usually it's when I attempt to go slowly and carefully that I and up spilling the soup, spraying the soup, getting the soup all over myself and the counter. And if I'm really lucky that day, I'll cut myself on the edge of the soup lid. Awesome.
This was just today, people.
So my hands have hypothermia from scraping the car off, I have yogurt on my sleeves and soup on my shirt, and my finger is bleeding because I cut it on the soup can lid and it's only 9am. I wonder what the rest of the day will have in store?