Thanks to The Mom Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy for the groovy graphic!
Welcome to another edition of Suck It Sunday. Wow, I think I've been doing Suck It Sundays for a month now...time to evaluate. Are you enjoying my suckiness? Or shall we move onto something new?
This week's Suck Its are grocery store themed. I know all my ladies out there can relate - shopping for the week's worth of food is about as fun as ripping out your fingernails one by one. Let's get started...
1. Usually, I try not to shop with both my kids. They like to take the opportunity to argue with each other and/or to run up and down the aisles ignoring my (very loud) screams at them not to. I bet other adults in the store think I'm a total lunatic when I have both kids with me-
"Kids, get over here and shut up or, so help me God, I will chain you to my cart!" Ok, I don't really say that....but I want to. So shopping with a four-year-old and a six-year-old can suck it.
2. People who don't notice that there are other human beings walking the Earth with them can suck it. The set up: I'm walking down an aisle, there's a person with a basket in that aisle casually scanning the shelves. They parked their basket in the dead center of the aisle - sweet. I slowly keep walking....ok, there's some eye contact with them, they know I'm here. I stop my cart, which is practically touching their cart, and wait for them to move their cart over so I can pass....waiting......waiting.....
Oh fuck this.
I move their cart sideways (groaning and stubbing my toe) just enough so I can pass by - which is where they should have parked it in the first place - while they continue to look at the shelf.
Um hello? Did you see me just move your cart? I know you did, you rude aisle hogger, you. Have fun shopping for your Rice Krispies...and suck it.
3. God bless the checkers and the baggers. I can imagine their job is painfully boring - all they do is run food over a clear spot and wait for a "beep!" They probably don't get paid very much, either. Boring and no pay? You have my deepest sympathies.
However, checkers and bagger who have NO sense of urgency can suck it.
I always try to pick the "fast" lane when I'm shopping. But somehow, just my luck, I pick the checkout lane that has the slowest....fucking...checkers....in existence. You know the ones - they have ten (grumpy) people in line, where the line has started to turn and snake down the store, and yet they don't seem to care. They're not going anywhere, so why get these people through the line any quicker? They'll pick up each item slowly, examine it, look for the bar code, and if you're really lucky they'll want to talk about each item and how it applies to them. All the while, I'm standing there, and have been for the last twenty minutes, giving them the death stare and they don't even notice. This is where I practice my two-unmedicated-childbirth breathing tactics. It's their world and we're just livin in it - to watch them look stupid!
I don't want to hear about how your grandma's cousin's dog went to dog camp because he ripped this apart, or how you haven't seen this kind of cereal yet and wonder if it's any good...Just check my shit and let me get on with my life. Rapido! And when I'm finally on my way out....suck it!
4. Now let's move on to the parking lot. Most of the time, this part is relieving. I'm done shopping! I'm leaving! I get to go home and relax now....but sometimes, there's that person who wants to carelessly drive in front of me as I'm walking my full cart back to my car. They're driving too fast and they're certainly not about to yield to the pedestrians around them. If I'm alone, they will only get my famous death stare. BUT, if I have my kids with me, this is one of the very few times I will yell at a total stranger. My favorite scream is
"I'm walking here!"
Yeah. Never pull in front of a mother and her kids, people. If the driver yells back or gives attitude, I will throw my kids in the cart and..."Stay here kids, mommy's going to kick someone's ass for a moment. Be right back."
I don't mess around with parking lot safety. I don't know why this brings out my "Mental Mama Bear" side, but it does. If you don't let me cross with my babies, I will come over to your car, jump on your hood and beat in your window. Ok, not really but, I'll at least scream at you. Typically, I am NOT a "scream at other people" kind of person - I reserve that right for my husband. But, in this case, I make an exception.
"I'm walking here! And suck it!"