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Sunday, February 28, 2010

Suck It Sunday

Thanks to The Mom Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy for the groovy graphic!

Welcome to another edition of Suck It Sunday. Wow, I think I've been doing Suck It Sundays for a month now...time to evaluate. Are you enjoying my suckiness? Or shall we move onto something new?

This week's Suck Its are grocery store themed. I know all my ladies out there can relate - shopping for the week's worth of food is about as fun as ripping out your fingernails one by one. Let's get started...

1. Usually, I try not to shop with both my kids. They like to take the opportunity to argue with each other and/or to run up and down the aisles ignoring my (very loud) screams at them not to. I bet other adults in the store think I'm a total lunatic when I have both kids with me-

"Kids, get over here and shut up or, so help me God, I will chain you to my cart!" Ok, I don't really say that....but I want to. So shopping with a four-year-old and a six-year-old can suck it.

2. People who don't notice that there are other human beings walking the Earth with them can suck it. The set up: I'm walking down an aisle, there's a person with a basket in that aisle casually scanning the shelves. They parked their basket in the dead center of the aisle - sweet. I slowly keep walking....ok, there's some eye contact with them, they know I'm here. I stop my cart, which is practically touching their cart, and wait for them to move their cart over so I can pass....waiting......waiting.....

Oh fuck this.

I move their cart sideways (groaning and stubbing my toe) just enough so I can pass by - which is where they should have parked it in the first place - while they continue to look at the shelf.

Um hello? Did you see me just move your cart? I know you did, you rude aisle hogger, you. Have fun shopping for your Rice Krispies...and suck it.

3. God bless the checkers and the baggers. I can imagine their job is painfully boring - all they do is run food over a clear spot and wait for a "beep!" They probably don't get paid very much, either. Boring and no pay? You have my deepest sympathies.

However, checkers and bagger who have NO sense of urgency can suck it.

I always try to pick the "fast" lane when I'm shopping. But somehow, just my luck, I pick the checkout lane that has the slowest....fucking...checkers....in existence. You know the ones - they have ten (grumpy) people in line, where the line has started to turn and snake down the store, and yet they don't seem to care. They're not going anywhere, so why get these people through the line any quicker? They'll pick up each item slowly, examine it, look for the bar code, and if you're really lucky they'll want to talk about each item and how it applies to them. All the while, I'm standing there, and have been for the last twenty minutes, giving them the death stare and they don't even notice. This is where I practice my two-unmedicated-childbirth breathing tactics. It's their world and we're just livin in it - to watch them look stupid!

I don't want to hear about how your grandma's cousin's dog went to dog camp because he ripped this apart, or how you haven't seen this kind of cereal yet and wonder if it's any good...Just check my shit and let me get on with my life. Rapido! And when I'm finally on my way out....suck it!

4. Now let's move on to the parking lot. Most of the time, this part is relieving. I'm done shopping! I'm leaving! I get to go home and relax now....but sometimes, there's that person who wants to carelessly drive in front of me as I'm walking my full cart back to my car. They're driving too fast and they're certainly not about to yield to the pedestrians around them. If I'm alone, they will only get my famous death stare. BUT, if I have my kids with me, this is one of the very few times I will yell at a total stranger. My favorite scream is

"I'm walking here!"
`
Yeah. Never pull in front of a mother and her kids, people. If the driver yells back or gives attitude, I will throw my kids in the cart and..."Stay here kids, mommy's going to kick someone's ass for a moment. Be right back."

I don't mess around with parking lot safety. I don't know why this brings out my "Mental Mama Bear" side, but it does. If you don't let me cross with my babies, I will come over to your car, jump on your hood and beat in your window. Ok, not really but, I'll at least scream at you. Typically, I am NOT a "scream at other people" kind of person - I reserve that right for my husband. But, in this case, I make an exception.

"I'm walking here! And suck it!"

12 comments:

eNVe said...

Hallelujah!! Can I say how much nodding I was doing while reading this? If you ever happen to shop at Market Basket in Boston, it is this very scene x 100! But the amazing produce makes it almost worth the high blood pressure inducing idiocy.

I love suck it sunday.

NucMEd is Hot said...

Your suckiness is quickly becoming a highlight of my week! If you need to move on, but I like seeing who gets to suck it this week!

Mandeek @ 4 Quarters of Me said...

I look forward to your Suck-Its! Makes me realize I am not the only one out there with grievances. Keep 'em up! You inspire me to not take shit. *wink*

Jill said...

The baggers can also suck it when they place heavy cans on top of my bananas, bread and eggs. I SPECIFICALLY place those items last on the belt so you they don't do this. Alas... bruised bananas.

Katie said...

The other day I had to take all 3 kids to the store, which is not easy I might add. I got one of those little tiny carts for old people, or whatever, and made Jake push it while I was pushing the babies in the double stroller. Jake was crabby and decided he didn't want to push the cart anymore so I ended up pushing the stroller with one hand and pulling the cart behind me with the other. I was like a 15 foot long train and it was ridiculous. Needless to say, nobody wanted to be on the same aisle as me. Hmmmmm...maybe I should do this more often so people get the eff out of the way!! :) NAH!!

The store parking lot drives me crazy too!! I have almost beat a few people down when I have the kids. You don't mess with a mom and her babies.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

I'll tell you who can suck it at the grocery store: those a-holes who have just a few items in their shopping cart and then at checkout, after they've put their groceries on the belt, seem to COMPLETELY forget they were ever pushing the fucking cart around and so they leave it for YOU to deal with as they walk away.

Aaaaah, that felt good. I love Suck-it Sundays!

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

So. . . I'm new to this Suck it Sundays. . but think I like it!! LOL!! Been there done that on this post - it was great! And FYI for everyone ~ Did y'll know that March is National Women's History Month??!! Cool. . . .huh??!! (I have some fun facts and info over at my blog at http://olliemckayschicboutique.blogspot.com )
Happy Monday to all!

Big Red said...

To funny. How about when you are looking at an item and a person stops right in front of you blocking what you were just looking at. Or people that walk in the middle of the parking aisles so you cant get by. Or when the grocery store is constantly changing where they put things. THey can suck it!

dirtyduck said...

your're serious? you had to move THEIR cart??? and they just stood there???brain damaged

amothershood said...

Grocery shopping is my worst "chore." I HATE it when the checkers want to chat. You can say, Hi. You can ask me if I found everything OK. You can ask if I have a shopping card. You can tell me how much I owe, but after that...I want to be left alone! And how about the people who want to hand out samples at Costco?

Mrs. Jeremy said...

AMEN SISTER!!!!! Love suck it sundays!!

Kacey said...

I can't believe you had to move their cart! I just stand there and say, "Excuse me!" until they move it.

Yesterday I was driving through the grocery store parking lot right in front of the store. I was waiting patiently for several people to cross, when the truck behind me got annoyed (hellloo? Would you rather I run them over?) and zoomed around me, narrowly missing a few people. Nice. I thought it was funny when he ended up pulling into the parking spot in front of me...right AFTER I had parked. I just laughed at him.

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