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Saturday, January 9, 2010

New Year's Resolutions - Take One

So I'm about a week late, but I wanted to share my New Year's Resolutions with you lovely people.

Actually, I don't do resolutions, I'm just making all this shit up.

Resolution #1: Lose 20 pounds by December 2010. They say you should give yourself a reasonable amount of time to achieve your goals, so I figure 12 months is a *decent* amount of time to lose 20 pounds. Am I right!? Am I right!?

That's 1.666666666 pounds a month.

Totally reasonable, shah!

I'm going to work as hard as my fat butt will allow me each month to get that 1.66666666 pounds off. That's .42 pounds a week, people! Tough stuff! Biggest loser, here I come! I figure, by next December, I'll be nice and slim... just in time to pig out again next Christmas.

Resolution #2: Stop drinking so much. Ok, I'll admit I'm bored. I'm stressed. I have no friends. I've been having a glass *cough bottle cough* of wine a little too frequently lately. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not....because then it might become a habit. A very BAD habit. It makes me fat, it makes me feel like shit the next day, it goes down too easily. So from here on out, it's about the peach flavored Crystal Light instead of the glass of Cabernet. Please pray for me that I don't go to hell and have to drink Cabernet with the devil for all eternity.

Resolution #3: Run another 5K. Here's more of that healthy stuff! God, what is it with the New Year and being healthy? Kind of gets on my nerves. I ran a 5K in 2008 and it was fantastic - yes, I had a good time and, although I thought I was going to die at the time, I didn't....and I was skinner, too. If I sign my butt up for an actual race, it'll motivate me more to exercise. I got rid of my gym membership in Vegas, so now I'm doing the nature thing and running around my neighborhood instead. It's freakin cold out right now in Philly- perfect running weather. Plus, I have enough blubber to keep a whale warm for weeks, so I shouldn't get cold outdoors.

Resolution #4: Take good care of my skin. I'm starting to notice little things about my face that are changing...mainly the sag that's going on. My frown lines are not going away - they're more like frown shadows at this point, but I see where the shadows will eventually become lines...then wrinkles. Gah. I've always had big, dark circles under my eyes. I can thank my mom for that. They're getting bigger. And longer. And deeper. And more purple.

Shit.

The part that's bugging me the most is my chin. What the hell is with my chin? I have this little flap of skin underneath - it's not a double chin, it's just saggy. I have a saggy chin? Well what am I supposed to do about that? So I'm hoping that a little tightening cream will do the trick.

The point is, my face is slowly heading towards my boobs, and it ain't going back up. Like, ever. Good thing my boobs don't sag - they still look fabulous. And for $5000, they'd better. Funny story - before we moved to Philly, my gal pals were over, consoling me about the move. And you know what they said to cheer me up? "Tasha just think - you'll have the best looking tits in town!"

Thanks girls. I've got a great rack...and a saggy chin.

(Click to read my Breast Implant Diaries, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2)

7 comments:

KT said...

Ditto. WHen all else fails I have great tits!

gayle said...

Well, I don't even have that..;0 but I do have the saggy neck

Nicole said...

LMAO.

1. you dont have a saggy chin.

2. I never got to see your boobs in all of their glory, but they do look good with the clothes!

3. I wish I were there to share that bottle of wine, and then we could go work out together. I started this week. Been using the machines at work and I'm doing some of the workouts "on demand".

Good luck with all of your resolutions and cheer up, things will get better when the weather gets nicer!

TTownDiva said...

I was just at the gym tonight thinking about how nice it would be if they had a machine for my saggy chin. I hate it! I was staring at it the whole time I was having to look at myself in the stupid mirror at the gym. I hate gym mirrors. I'm here bacause I don't like to look at myself. Do they really think it's encouraging that I have to stare at my fat ass in the mirrror for an entire hour. If anything it makes me not want to go to the gym. I don't feel more confident after staring at my fat flabby ass in flourescent lighting for an hour.

Closer to Lucy said...

If all else fails add vodka to your Crystal Light, low cal and carb free, guilt free!

You won't care about the jowl slide and you'll still have a great rack.

Mrs. Jeremy said...

Haha, best tits in town! Where does Heather come up with this stuff?!
I know you can make all your resolutions a reality! You GO!!

Amy said...

I hear ya on losing some weight, running more and definitely drinking less wine. I always say I am going to have 1 glass, but then it's gone so quickly, so I move on to #2....then #3, you get the point. I then eat food I wasn't even hungry for before I started drinking and feel like shit the next day. And then after a day, the cycle continues. Not so healthy. I guess at least we admit this problem, so it's not really a problem, right?! We are so on it! So, I decided to have some Grey Goose tonight instead. Hey! At least it isn't wine, right?! It's a start!

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