100 followers?

I'm only six suckers, errr, I mean people, away from having 100 followers.

I still have some goodies to give out to my readers....Cough!BooksCough!......

So how about this: To celebrate, I'm giving away a surprise gift to my 100th follower.

Who's it gonna be? And remember - what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

T-Minus Six Sleeps....

Six sleeps until I am no longer the "Vegas Housewife".



*sniff* Kind of sad. But I'm getting excited about my family's new adventure.



How was your Thanksgiving holiday? Mine was.....eh. But I'll save that for another blog.



I guess it doesn't help that I'm five days away from moving my family 2700 miles across the country to Amish land....I joke to myself that I need to find a bonnet and learn how to make cheese. Oh, and maybe I should become a conservative Republican? Haha...never!



I admit I've been pretty stressed. I vented last week via email to my boss about the five-hour-long plane trip (with my kids and 20-pound cat in tow) - she is very professional and well spoken - and she answered my email with "the plane has a bar....". Wow, awesome. At least I'm getting some validation that my stress isn't all shit. That email made my day.



This week my days will be filled with packing, taking care of the kiddos (who are both out of school now...yikes!) and trying to get some work done. I've been mentally searching for my sanity but I think it's gone to Mexico for a vacation. Maybe it will come back once we've moved. Until then, enjoy the holiday and I'll see you on the flip side. Thanks to everyone for your support and patience!



P.S. I wrote about porn and I got two new followers. Awesome!

Let's talk porn for a moment...

Ahh, that got your attention, didn't it?

Did anyone see Jenna Jameson on Oprah the other day? Jenna Jameson - you know, the biggest porn star in the entire world? She even has a mommy blog now....which I think is totally hilarious and bizarre, but whatevs.

So anyway, I was watching Jenna on Oprah....and can I just say.....what the hell happened to her face?

I'm definitely not a lesbian, but I can appreciate a sexy woman. Just ask my husband. Jenna ain't the world's biggest porn star for nothin. She can rock a porn scene like no other woman can. I also have much respect for her because she (and her vagina) built an entire empire all by themselves. How many other vaginas can you say that have done that?

Jenna used to be curvy and pretty. Now she looks like a spray-tan, too-much-plastic-surgery nightmare from the planet silicone. Seriously, Jenna babe, lay of the lip implants, the eye lift and the weight loss!

The sad part is, she's only 35. So it's likely that her face will only get worse. Girl needs some serious grounding from the plastic surgeon's office. Take a breather, switch to anti-wrinkle cream instead and for the love of god....eat something.

Just to give you all an idea of what I'm talking about....

Before.....

-

After....

-

To see her actual interview on Oprah, click here.

Speidi vs. The Insider Panel

It's the little things that entertain me these days. I HATE Spencer and Heidi with a passion - Spencer reminds me of my ex, and that alone is enough to make me want to vomit, but throw dingbat Heidi into it and it's a perfect union of jackass and stupid.

Watch the trainwreck as they're interviewed by a bunch of know-it-all panel (including Star Jones who, in my opinion, has NO place to advise Speidi on marriage since she herself was married for a whole....60 days or so!?). I hate Speidi, but the Insider panel was even more annoying....and that's hard to do!

It gets REALLY good at about the three minute mark.

Enjoy the freak show!

Words.....Words.....Words......

I blame my crappy vocabulary on 1- my pregnancies and losing brain cells, 2- lack of sleep for the last 6 years, 3- talking to little people all day that use words like "poop" and "booger", and too many martinis in the last few years.

Yea, so...it's my fault. I did all of those things to myself. I got pregnant- willingly. I had babies- again, willingly. I taught those babies those "poop" and "booger" words. And as a former bartender, I mix my own drinks...strong. So I can blame no one but myself.

Still.

I think I used to have a really, totally awesome vocabulary.

My mom is a technical writer and is extremely cerebral. I grew up hearing very proper English and pronunciation. I was always corrected if I spoke incorrectly, and I'm grateful for that.

So when I left the house at barely 18, I felt pretty confident when speaking to others, particularly other (more word-experienced) adults.

Then I got pregnant and something happened. It was like I lost all memory of words longer than four letters. I'd be having a conversation and forget the word "mountain." It'd be like "Oh honey...look at the.....well, you know.....the.....the big rock thingie over there.....what's it called?"

Hubby- "Mountain?"

"Oh yea!" I'd yell. "Mountain!"

It only got worse as time went by. We moved to Las Vegas and the summer heat would turn my tongue-o into jell-o. Something about being unbelievably hot does things to my brain - it starts to shut down because it hates that I put it in 110+ degree weather.

More time went by, my kids started talking and, instead of talking politics with my bar regulars as I had done before kids, I was saying "boo boo bah bah!" during afternoons of mashed peas and sippie cups.

Not a bad thing, but it kind of sucked. The husband would come home from work and ask how my day was, and I'd answer "Little Jackie went poo poo and Ava oobie woobie doobie!" The hubs wouldn't snicker at me or give me looks of horror, bless his heart, but I think we both missed the grown-up, big-word conversations (preferably with lots of swear words mixed in).

Now days, since my kids are a bit older, I'm trying to get those big, "college words" back. I'll use them when talking to my 6-year-old - just for the hell of it. Like

"Jack, did you know there will be huge repercussions in democratic demographics now that Senator Kennedy has passed away?"

or

"Typically I promote gender equality and believe that gay marriage is a continued, positive progression of our often unrealistic society."

Jack usually doesn't mind. He just nods.

I hope that someday, I'll have my college words back and I can mingle with the big kids again. I'm working on it.

Chick Music

With my life changing so drastically, so quickly, I've turned to something that has comforted me my entire life: Music.

My new favorite song: Where I Stood by Missy Higgins.

I came across this song by accident a few weeks ago and I instantly loved it. I plan to find out more about this artist and her music but, until then, I'm just enjoying the "newness" of her voice. It's a sad song, but there's some great therapy in listening to slow, meaningful songs.

Missy Higgins is a perfect mix between Fionna Apple, Melissa Ethridge and Sarah McLaughlin.

Check it out by clicking the link above, and here's the lyrics to read along...

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

The Vegas Housewife is Moving....

...to Philadelphia.

Can I get a big "HOLY SHIT?!" from everyone?

Yep, the "Vegas" Housewife will be no more. *Sniff* My family and I will be moving to the Philly burbs to create a new life....full of cheese steak and soft pretzels.

Let me tell ya - it's been one hell of a month.

Philly Housewife? Nah, too boring. I am so not into boring. So obviously, The Housewife Diaries will be changing. Hopefully not too much, and I hope I don't lose all you Vegas-lovers....

I've never even been to Philly....well, I was there for 2 days, but that hardly counts. Moving my family across the country is a huge deal. I'm sure I will have plenty of shit to write about. I ain't 100% happy about the move, but the hubby, bless his heart, has been offered a HUGE job. I'm very proud of him and, being the good housewife that I am, agreed to pack up and move.

So put your seat belts on, because shit is going to hit the fan on The Housewife Diaries. I'm not sure what the shit is yet, but never fear - I'll keep you posted.

Anyone in Philly need a food writer...?