You Know You Live in Las Vegas When...

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Deep breath....here we go!

You know you live in Las Vegas when....

-Your three-year-old daughter tells you her Barbies are going to the casino. (yikes!)

-Your "end of the summer" party is in late October.

-Your staycations are just as good as your vacations.

-The Vegas specials on the Travel Channel bore you. *yawn*

-Your out-of-town buddies call you from the strip at 10pm wanting to go out....on a Tuesday.

-Seeing Elvis around town is no biggie.

-Taking the kids out on a Friday night means dinner at MGM and then onto the M&Ms store for dessert.

That's it for now! Have a fabulous weekend!

Conversations with DH

If you want to check out some of the other conversations I've had with my family, go here to my Conversations with.... page. I just went and re-read them and they still crack me up! Hopefully they will you, too!

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By the way, DH stands for "dear husband" in computer talk.

DH just got back from being out of town for a few days, and before that I was deathly ill with the Swine Flu. With all of that going on, we went two weeks without nookie (a record for us, methinks - part of a housewife's job is putting out regularly, right ladies? ).

Background: DH gets home from the airport at 9pm. I'm half asleep in bed already (because taking care of two little kids by yourself for two days is freakin exhausting). I sleepily give him a "welcome back" hug and a kiss and then conk out for the night.

The next day DH jokingly says...

DH: I was expecting to come home with you in some lingerie and like a margarita in your hand ready to go...(since we hadn't done the deed in forever).

Me: Oh yea? Hym. Welp, sorry bout that.

Later in the day....during another conversation........

DH: I was expecting you to welcome me home with some lingerie and a margarita in your hand....like "hello dear...let's get it on"....

Me: Why do you keep saying that? Are you being serious?

DH: No! I'm just joking! Geez....

Me: Well you keep bringing it up. This is the third time today. That means you're serious and you're just pretending to be joking.

DH: Ummmm, no...I swear I was joking.

Uh huh.

Me: I don't even drink margaritas.

DH: I know.

Me: How about totally naked and a beer instead? For next time. That's more my speed.

DH: Sounds good.

Marriage is all about compromise, right?

He's a Bit of a Close Talker...

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode with the guy who would talk two inches from some one's face? (I'm laughing just thinking about the scene...) Jerry called him a "close talker". If you haven't seen it, watch it here on youtube for some giggles. (watch for Kramer's part!)

So my husband and I have come up with our own names for other annoying things that people do. We try to be sneaky about it so we can talk about them right in front of them....and they have no idea. Makes it more fun. (cackle!) I'm such a bitch, I know.

-An "LT" or a loud talker. You know those people, god bless 'em, who cant hear worth a shit and so they talk really loud? The funniest is when we're in a restaurant, trying to enjoy our meal in peace, and we're sitting behind an LT. Um, sorry but, if I wanted to hear someone else's convo I'd sit at their table. Yes, I'll have an order of earplugs and a diet Coke. Thanks!

These LTs usually also fall into the category of people who have to watch TV with the volume on 100. Damn I hate people who have to watch TV so freakin loud! My mother is one of these people - I am half deaf after watching a show with her. The funny thing is, she can hear pretty well, at least when she wants to. But don't try to sleep in my house if my mom is watching TV. Because you wont be able to - the walls will be vibrating from all the noise.

-An AWB. This stands for an "ass-whoopin breath". I have a thing about people breathing on me. I have to restrain my insanity when a person is standing SO close to me that I can feel their breath on me. Yuck. And it makes it even worse if it's bad breath.....or ASS-whoopin breath.

-An SB. Then there's the people that have sweaty balls hands. Clammy, wet and warm. Sexy.

Speaking of hands, that bring us to the PS, or the "pussy-shaker". What does this mean? Ladies, when you're shaking some one's hand, don't give the other person a jello hand, three-fingered half-assed shake. You are a pussy shaker, and your hand shake is not worth a shit. Grab that hand like you mean it and squeeze. If you can give a hand job, then for fuck's sake you can shake hands with some gusto, too.

An LH. Ever embraced with a "Long Hugger"? I go in for a hug, squeeze for a moment, and then let go ready to step back....but the other person is still gripping me tightly. So I don't want to be rude so I awkwardly hold back on again....and wait. Long Huggers are okay sometimes, but mostly there's only a few people that I enjoy squishing my big, fake boobs into for longer than a second. Maybe I'm a hug-and-runner?

So let's review, shall we?

-LT = Loud Talker
-AWB = Ass-Whoopin Breath
-SB = Sweaty Balls
-PS = Pussy Shaker
-LH = Long Hugger

So do you have your own Seinfeld abbreviations? Let's hear them!

I'm back! Did ya miss me?

Hi! Gosh I feel like I haven't been in here in over week!

Wait a minute...I haven't.

Oh yea, that's right. I've been horribly sick with SWINE FLU! Yep, The Housewife caught H1N1. How did I get it? Hell if I know. My kids got sick, but not nearly as badly as I did. The hubs didn't get sick at all - but then he never gets sick. Life is so unfair! Why does mom get the worst flu of them all?
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Anyway, it was the most painful flu I have ever had. Like, ever. My fever lasted for three straight days. The rest - aches, pains, chills, sore throat, pounding headache, throwing up, no appetite - is still going on. I'm on day eight and I'm still not 100%. I'm feeling better but geez, this is a long, bastard of a bug! The best part about being sick? I lost SEVEN pounds.

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Seven.

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That's freakin better than Weight Watchers, boys and girls!
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Great timing - my sister-in-law, Tiffany, and her son came for a visit last week (she bought her plane ticket months before, so this was no one but the Swine Flu's fault). I mostly tried to stay alive and spent a lot of time in bed, while she cleaned my house and played with the kids. Seriously. I feel terrible about what a crappy visit she must have had, but I'm very grateful to have had her here. The highlight of her visit was the hubby and I took her and the kids to Rainforest Cafe in the MGM for dinner and then to the M&Ms store for dessert.

We had a blast, but there's a really fucking funny story that goes along with our outing. Would you expect anything less from me and my family? Come on, now!


So it's 5pm on Friday night. The hubs, Tiffany, the three kiddos and I are walking through the MGM on our way to Rainforest Cafe. Right in front of the card tables, a very drunk, 21-year-old-looking douche bag dude is walking towards us (almost in our walking path) and says to us....

"Kids....why do people bring kids to Las Vegas?"

His drunk buddy laughs uncomfortably. Right after he says this, he is in the husband's reach. Rut roh! The husband reaches out and gently shoves this dude's shoulder. Mind you - the husband has our 3-year-old daughter on his shoulders.

It's 5pm and my husband just pushed some drunk dude. Sweet.

I'm amazed - this dude didn't even react the the shove! He keeps walking....and at that moment walks right next to me. Maybe it was my Swine-Flu induced craziness but I sternly looked straight into his bleary, red eyes and said....

"WE LIVE HERE, ASSHOLE."

Oh....my....god. Did I seriously just say that? To a drunk dude? With my kids watching? And my sister-in-law and nephew watching? Nice, Tasha. Real nice job.

Amazingly, this pissed him off. Heehee.

He shouts back "Alriiiiiighttttttt, you fuckin bitch!"

By now, people at the card table were looking around at who was shouting. The husband hears him call me a bitch, turns around and starts after him with a look of pure "I'm going to kill that guy!" I get in front of the husband and tell him no, just keep walking.

My heart was pounding, and call me a sicko but, the first thing that popped into my head was "gee, he called me a fuckin bitch"! I could think of worse things I could have been called:

-FAT bitch
-STUPID bitch
-UGLY bitch

Any of those would have hurt my feelers, but somehow "fuckin" bitch kind of made me giggle. I'm just glad he didn't punch me in the face instead. Then I started thinking more about this drunk douche.

It was ONLY 5pm....and he was already sloshed?

Rookie.

Learn how to hold your booz and maybe one day you can play with the big kids. (This is where I roll my eyes) Obviously, I could have kicked his ass - even with my Swine Flu - and I could drink him under the table. I'm not "The Vegas Housewife" for nothing, bitches.

Anyway.....

Never a dull moment when my family goes out. We ended up having a perfectly lovely dinner and M&Ms for dessert.

Daym, I hate The Strip on Friday nights.

The 9 Ways To Treat A Woman

I Suck

Okay, I know.....I suck.

I've been a total fucking slacker.

Dont hate, people!

The Housewife has been busy taking care of sick kids and dealing with a busy life. But some things are letting up now...so I will be getting back to my old self very soon.

Promise!

I still have my trip to Brazil to share with you (and oh boy, it's good), my Signature Chefs update and a couple other things I'm working on.

Patience and cooperation, remember?

Yeah, I didnt think so. Anyway! I'll be back full steam...soon.

Funny Friday - talking animals

March of Dimes Signature Chefs '09 - Preview!

My feet and my head are still recovering from last night's festivities at March of Dimes Signature Chefs of Las Vegas, but I wanted to give you the first look at what an incredible party it was. The theme was "Hot Latin Nights" and boy, was it HOT! I had a fantastic time and, in my opinion, this year's was even better than last year's.

Stay tuned to The Housewife Diaries and my column at Living-Las-Vegas for all the details!

Must...Have....These.....Shoes!

You know how sometimes you see something you want, and then you...

cant...get...the...damn...thing...out...of....your....head?

Sequined shoes. The are a new fall trend and I LOVE it. Perfect pair of shoes for a Las Vegas local, don't you think? They'd also look great at a wedding, with a little black cocktail dress, or a club outfit...

I could go on.

But I wont.

The only thing that I dont like about shoe shopping is the size of my feet. I wear a size 10 or 11, and most shoes aren't even available in a size 11. Sad, right? On the bright side, if I were a guy I'd have a huge penis.

Anyway...