Friday, October 23, 2009

He's a Bit of a Close Talker...

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode with the guy who would talk two inches from some one's face? (I'm laughing just thinking about the scene...) Jerry called him a "close talker". If you haven't seen it, watch it here on youtube for some giggles. (watch for Kramer's part!)

So my husband and I have come up with our own names for other annoying things that people do. We try to be sneaky about it so we can talk about them right in front of them....and they have no idea. Makes it more fun. (cackle!) I'm such a bitch, I know.

-An "LT" or a loud talker. You know those people, god bless 'em, who cant hear worth a shit and so they talk really loud? The funniest is when we're in a restaurant, trying to enjoy our meal in peace, and we're sitting behind an LT. Um, sorry but, if I wanted to hear someone else's convo I'd sit at their table. Yes, I'll have an order of earplugs and a diet Coke. Thanks!

These LTs usually also fall into the category of people who have to watch TV with the volume on 100. Damn I hate people who have to watch TV so freakin loud! My mother is one of these people - I am half deaf after watching a show with her. The funny thing is, she can hear pretty well, at least when she wants to. But don't try to sleep in my house if my mom is watching TV. Because you wont be able to - the walls will be vibrating from all the noise.

-An AWB. This stands for an "ass-whoopin breath". I have a thing about people breathing on me. I have to restrain my insanity when a person is standing SO close to me that I can feel their breath on me. Yuck. And it makes it even worse if it's bad breath.....or ASS-whoopin breath.

-An SB. Then there's the people that have sweaty balls hands. Clammy, wet and warm. Sexy.

Speaking of hands, that bring us to the PS, or the "pussy-shaker". What does this mean? Ladies, when you're shaking some one's hand, don't give the other person a jello hand, three-fingered half-assed shake. You are a pussy shaker, and your hand shake is not worth a shit. Grab that hand like you mean it and squeeze. If you can give a hand job, then for fuck's sake you can shake hands with some gusto, too.

An LH. Ever embraced with a "Long Hugger"? I go in for a hug, squeeze for a moment, and then let go ready to step back....but the other person is still gripping me tightly. So I don't want to be rude so I awkwardly hold back on again....and wait. Long Huggers are okay sometimes, but mostly there's only a few people that I enjoy squishing my big, fake boobs into for longer than a second. Maybe I'm a hug-and-runner?

So let's review, shall we?

-LT = Loud Talker
-AWB = Ass-Whoopin Breath
-SB = Sweaty Balls
-PS = Pussy Shaker
-LH = Long Hugger

So do you have your own Seinfeld abbreviations? Let's hear them!

1 comment:

Harvard Housewife said...

Haha! Great observations. i will share with my hubby tonight so we can laugh.

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