The Date Night Diaries: Preview!

Ahhhhh, yes! The Date Night Diaries are upon us again. Aren't you excited? I know I am! It's also somebody's birthday on Sunday. Can you guess whom? Little does he know... I have a few surprises up my sleeve. And like him, you'll just have to wait and see what they are!

Just for shits and giggles, here's a little preview of what's to come:

Stay tuned for all the details!

Jack's question of the week:

If you missed the first blog about Jack's crazy questions, go here and then come back. I've decided to start a "Jack's question of the week" series, since the questions only get better and better. Here's this week's dose of randomness. Your job is to help me give him an answer to his questions. Soooooo, how would you answer this question to an almost 5 year old boy?

"Mom, why do camels smell bad?"

Camels? What? Where he got this, I have no clue. Where did he come up with camels? It's not like we see them at the make-believe Las Vegas zoo (we don't have a zoo, duhhhh).

And why does he think they smell bad? They do smell...but.... huh?

Movies I'm embarrassed to love...

You already know some if the music I'm embarrassed to love, so here's some of the movies I'm embarrassed to love, too! I'll let you keep reading as long as you swear not to laugh....and if you do laugh you're laughing with me, right?
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The Legend of Billie Jean.
Okay people, you remember this one, right? Sometimes my hubby and I will be arguing ("talking") about something, and to lighten the mood, I will yell "fair is fair!" and the husband cant help but roll his eyes and answer me "Okay, Billie Jean." The music in this film doesn't get any better- Pat Benatar and Billy Idol are on the soundtrack, among others. It's one of those "I'm a girl, dont fuck with me" kind of soundtracks. Wait, did I just say fuck? It also has a young and yummy Christian Slater in it. Nowadays he's kinda creepy looking and geez, his forehead is HUGE. Time for some hair plugs?
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Rocky III. "If I can change, then you can change! And then everyone can change!". Cheeseball goodness. I saw this for the first time in the theatre for a birthday party in 3rd grade. This is the one that Apollo Creed dies in, and it has the best soundtrack if you're into 80s music. I actually work out to some of the songs on here.

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Fletch. The first one. Chevy Chase in his prime. Great script. Need I say more? I know you've seen it, too.

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Dirty Dancing. I think I still know every word to every song from this movie (dont tell anyone, though). And I cant help but slobber when I see Patrick Swayze roll his hips. Yum. No one puts Baby in a corner.

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The Craft. This is such an awful movie but, I loved it then and I still love it. A young Skeet Ulrich is in it, and although the movie is full of eye rolls it's still fun. I watched it when it first came out (I was in high school), and it was my dream to make every girl's hair fall out that I hated in school (which was pretty much all of them). I know, I was a nice person. Good thing people change as they get older.

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Dumb and Dumber. My favorite all-time comedy. It gets funnier every time you watch it. There are so many good quotes from the movie I'm not even going to start with them! If you want to watch a scene from it, click here. Or remember The Mocking Bird sing along? Priceless.

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Road House. This is a cult classic. Even my husband will watch this one with me. And remember the girl in the bar? The hair, the dress, the well vodka drink. It's the 80s at it's best. And I'll never forget the coined line: "I thought you'd be bigger".

Did she really just say that?

Do you know one of those kind of people? One of those kind of people that blurts out really inappropriate things but acts like it's a totally normal thing to do?

My husband and I know a couple people like that. Our favorite "blurter" just happens to be our next door neighbor. Let me first say that she and her husband are very kind to us. They've watched our kids for us, they helped build our kid's swing set, they've watched our house when we were out of town. They've done LOTS of nice things for us. However, when you're with the wife...let's call her "Sherry".....you never know what kind of crap is going to come out of her mouth. My husband and I often leave her giving each other silent looks of "did she just say...?" and then "uh, yea, she said it." There's usually lots of uncomfortable giggling along with it.

For instance, a few years ago my husband and I were in the process of rearranging our house for Ava's birth. We didn't have anywhere to put some of our furniture so, naturally, we stored it in the garage. One day while we were in our garage with the door open, "Sherry" walks over and says:

"When are you guys going to get rid of all that crap in your garage?"

We gave her a polite, sort of stunned answer. I don't think she even knew how her sentence came out, but it left me wondering what the comment was all about. We aren't messy people. In fact I think we're extremely organized. At least my husband is, so I get it by association. Our stored furniture is neatly stacked and stored. On top of that, we have kids. Sherry doesn't. Kids require you to have stuff.

Another time, right after I had my breast augmentation surgery (literally like 4 days after), she came over for something and immediately started to stare at them. No glances...just a straight out stare. That's fine. I ain't shy. So I said something like "what do you think?" and she replied with:

"I'm just glad they aren't mine!"

Um okay. Thanks? I think they look great, too.

So this kind of thing happens more and more- the more comfortable she gets with us, the more crap comes out of her mouth. My hubby and I have turned it into a game.....what kind of inappropriate shit will she say today? It's been fun.

Here's the most recent-

Husband was leaving for work. He kisses me goodbye and walks to his car. I lose site of him around the house. He starts walking back to the front door after a few minutes.

Me- "What's wrong?"

Him- (with a smirk on his face) "I just talked to Sherry out there."

Me- "Ohhhhhhh, what did she say!!!??" I can hardly stand the suspense.

Him- "Well, I was taking the trash can out to the curb, and she was in her car. She rolled down her window and said 'woo woo, if my trash man looked liked that I would....' and I didn't hear the rest."

Me- "Like she was woo wooing you?"

Him- "Yea. And then I said that we should have them over for a BBQ before summer is over." (this is common for us to get together like this)

Me- "Yea, good idea."

Him- "And then she said...and yes she really said this...'let's have a nudy party!'"

Me- "She said WHAT?"

Him- "She said 'let's have a NUDY party.'"

Me- "A nudy party? Like a NAKED party?"

Him- "Yea, I think so." (now he's looking really uncomfortable, bless his heart)

Me- "Ewwwwwwwww!"

Him- "I know."

Me- "She has a crush on you!" (this is a new thing)

Him- "No she doesn't. Maybe she wants to see you naked."

Me- "Um no, she already told me she hates my tits."

Him- Silence

Me- "Sherry and Matt, sittin in a tree...."

Him- "Shut up."

So apparently, my neighbor wants to have a naked party for our next BBQ. I think I'll pass.

Let's do some shopping, shall we?

My friend Stephanie turned me on to this totally cute site for clothes. Dear men- this is where you can turn away in disgust. We're shopping in this post! Okay ladies...close your eyes. Lets pretend we're in a high end store, with our shoes off and our glasses of champagne in our hands. They even closed the store for us so we could shop in private! Got it? Okay, here we go!

Go check out http://www.unique-vintage.com/ . There are so many pieces within this site that are good enough to buy. The best part? They're vintage inspired, but not technically vintage. Which means they're new....they aren't old dresses that have been worn by who knows who. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

I don't know if you've noticed, but the vintage look is pretty popular. Just take a look around the blogs and you'll see pictures of vintage women all over the place. Now, although a lot of people like the look, most wouldn't have the balls to actually wear the look. For example, would you go to the pool with this on? Yeah, I didn't think so. Me either. But the dresses are gorgeous...I would totally wear one to a company party.

I am a nut for 40s era anything. My family knows this- I used to do my housework to Big Band music. My husband would come home from work and give me a look that said "What the hell are you listening to?". Uhhh, Big Band, honey. Duhhh. My favorite Christmas collection is a 40s Christmas. Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby singing the carols? It doesn't get any better than that. I love 40s inspired fashion, too.

So when Steph turned me on to this vintage clothing site, how could I turn away? Plus, I totally have the boobs now to pull these dresses off.... not that big boobs were a"thing" in the 40s, but a C cup suits every dress in my opinion, right?

Maybe you'll find something that you like in there, too.

Conversations with DH

If you missed the first one, read it here and then come back.



Me- "Wanna piece of gum? (Then doing my best David Letterman impersonation) Ya got any gum? Ya, ya, ya got any gum?"


Him- (giggling) "Sure"


I pass him a piece of gum. He looks at me expectantly.


Me- "What?"


Him- "Break it in half."


Me- "Why?"

Him- "It's too big."


Me- "What?"


Him- "It's too big."


Me- "The gum?"


Him- "Yeah."


Me- "It's a piece of gum. Just chew the whole damn piece."


Him- "You know I don't like a whole piece. Tear it in half for me."


Me- "And if I dont, you're going to tear it in half, and then you're going to leave the other half of the piece somewhere random, and then I'm going to find it in a month. It's really too big?"


Him- "Yes....(pauses) but you can say that to me anytime you want."


Me- "What? It's too big?"


Him- "Yep."


Me- "Sigh."

The Gym Diaries

I have been hitting the gym three days a week....sometimes even four if I'm feeling particularly fat that day. If you want to know more about my visits to the gym, go here for the first Gym Diaries and then come back.

I am constantly changing my workout mix on my ipod, because you can only exercise to Britney and Timbaland so many times......

This week my new favorite song is called "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa. Click the link to listen to a preview.

It's fresh and funky. The words are pretty funny, too. It's the perfect tempo for my favorite piece of equipment right now: the elliptical. It burns twice as many calories as a fast walk on the treadmill. I'd be running but it's just too damn hot...even IN the air conditioning. So the running will have to wait until October. In the meantime, the elliptical is my friend.

What do you listen to while you're feeling the burn? I'm always looking for new music!

Oh, and by the way, my ass looks JUST like the one in this picture. You believe me, don't you?

Wordless Wednesday

Notice the potty. The blue crocks. The sunglasses. The beads. The sweater.

She's stylin.

Mommie Mayhem!

I'm honored to say that I've been invited to contribute to a blog called Mommie Mayhem. I've only known these ladies for a short time but, boy, can they blog some funny stuff!

Click on the link to find out what I wrote about, and to see what other moms have to say about their own mayhem. You wont be disapointed!

Mommie Mayhem

You know you live in Las Vegas when... (A MAN'S version!)

I'm proud to announce a very special YKYLILV! It's written by my beloved husband, Matt.

If you missed the first two YKYLILV, go here and here.

Please take note- I gave my hubby free reign to write whatever the hell he wanted, so don't say I didn't warn you. This blog post was written by a man, so it almost has to be a teeny tiny bit offensive... am I right? I can just smell the dirty socks and farts now....

After reading this post, I think you'll be laughing as much as I was. He's pretty funny when he wants to be! Enjoy.

You know you live in Las Vegas when....

You don't need to hit the local "adult bookstore" to get your masturbation material. Just use the billboard, bus, and taxi cab ads to get your inspiration. Costs less and equally effective.

Your best friend from 7th grade calls to let you know he is coming to town. "Hey man, can you hook me up at The Bellagio for the weekend? You have some contacts, right?" Dude, I haven't seen you since before my voiced changed.

Seeing a car upside down on the freeway is no biggie. Move along.

You have had at least 3 nails in your tires in the last month.

Taking a left off of Las Vegas Blvd. into any casino valet involves dodging clueless pedestrian tourists who ignore the DONT WALK signs. DONT FREAKING WALK, I'm driving over here!!!!!

Tourists look at you weird when you say you live in Las Vegas. "You live here?"

You drop your friend off at the casino and pick him up 3 days later, and he is still wearing the same shirt.

Dinner and a show costs you $500.

You look in the paper and U2, Madonna and Sting all all playing Vegas the same night. And you can't afford to see any of them.

Your 4-year old can name all of the casinos.........and has his favorites.

You have a constant "ding ding ding ding ding ding ding" in your head from the slot machines.

You have a brick fence.

You have 2 air conditioners at your house....one for upstairs, the other for downstairs.

Your monthly summer electric bill is $867, your water bill is $450, and your gas bill is $8.

Your home has been worth $500,000 and $200,000 in the same calendar year.


So there you have it. Stay tuned for more guest posts by my DH, Matt. The next one will be about:

Why men are so addicted to FANTASY FOOTBALL!

Deep Thoughts

Does Oprah really have to be on every cover of O magazine? I mean REALLY?

I know Oprah is pretty close to a living God these days. I'd compare her to Jesus but I don't want to offend anyone.

I asked my mom this question about Oprah a few weeks ago. My mom, always telling me "we" really need to work on not complaining so much about everything, said:

"Well, at least she's smiling! She always looks really upbeat on the covers!"

Yep. I guess you're right, mom. She is smiling.

I like O magazine. I get it... and I actually read it. But I'm still annoyed that Oprah has to be on every cover. How about the students in Africa instead? How about Lisa Ling or Dr. Oz? How about her totally gay friend, John Travolta? How about Tom Cruise sitting on a yellow, leather couch (no jumping required)?

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Or better yet.....how about Jesus? Okay...not Jesus. But you get the idea.

Girl's Night Out

Hi, my name is Tasha, and yes, these are my actual friends. Aren't they silly? I told them to be, mostly so I could post this and laugh at them, but they took the direction and really ran with it. I have a whole picture library of pictures like these.

Oh yeah, I guess I should tell you where we were? We all went to a "Girl's Night Out" event, hosted by Shecky's. Luckily, it was at Tao nightclub in the Venetian because I had never been inside Tao before then. Tao is supposed to be the best (so take a mental note if you ever come to Las Vegas and want to go dancing)!

The Shecky's tickets were hella cheap, and it was open bar inside (whoo hoo!). The event brings together designers from all over, and you can browse their clothes, jewelry, and everything else under the sun (we were even talking to a vendor about sex lotions...seriously). This is an ingenious event in my opinion. Women... drunk shopping? How can you go wrong?

The best part of the night was every person that bought a ticket got a "goodie bag". I wasn't expecting anything impressive out of these. The cost of the ticket barely covered what I drank in beer.

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BUT, these bags were fantastic. You can see the bags in our laps.....keep reading to see what was in them.

So after a long night of shopping (hard times, I know), the girls gorged themselves on cheese fries and greasy hamburgers at Johnny Rockets. There's just something special about late night, drunk eating.....don't you think? I, being the only sober one (seriously!), took a cheese fry rain-check and headed home to enjoy my goodie bag and get a good night's sleep.

When I got home, I spread out all my treasures. I got a very decent collection of goodies, wouldn't you agree?

So if there's a Shecky's event near you, GO! You'll have a blast, get a free drink (or two), and come home with a great little bag.

The Housewife's Weekend

There are benefits to living in Las Vegas. One of them is we don't have to go to the boring public pool if we feel like swimming. When you have hookups like we do, you get to sneak into the hotel pools instead. Most places have security guys that check your keys at the entrance (to make sure you're a guest of the pool and not sneaking in like us), but we're smarter than they are. We get a room key, and then go.

It's just like taking an afternoon vacation. In my old age, I prefer the "old strip" smaller hotel pools as opposed to the large newer pools (like Mandalay or The Venetian). Wanna know why? Because at the old strip, there are normal looking people there. You can weight more than 100 pounds, and there are women with regular bodies (gasp!). I can walk around the pool and not feel like an elephant among a bunch of deer.

At most of the (new) strip pools it's like a sex party full of really skinny, beautiful people. These pools aren't like any normal pool. I used to be able to hold my own among the tigers-five to ten years ago, but nowadays, I look like a regular mom who likes to eat. I'm okay with that for the most part, but still, I don't want to be the one hiding behind a palm tree because I'm scared someone will throw up after looking at my ass in a swimming suit. I dont want my kids to see me doing that, either. I can see it now....."Mom, what are you doing behind that tree?". Yeah.

Maybe I'd be a better mom if I was more worried about my kids, instead of myself- this is where you can call me narcissistic- but hell...when we're at a pool my kids only care about swimming. A bomb could go off next door and they wouldn't even hear it. No need for food, or drinking fluids, or anything else needed to stay alive. If they are in the pool, all is right in the world.

This past weekend we went to The Golden Nugget pool. Click the link to see more fun info on it! They completely renovated the whole place earlier this year, so the pool is fantastic. There's plenty of comfy lounge chairs, a bar, a couple of tiki huts with games of blackjack going on underneath, and fun, poppy music blasting from every corner of the grounds. The best part? There is an enormous fish tank built in the middle of the pool! It has yellow fin tuna, sharks, and who knows what else calmly swimming around inside. The water slide even goes through the tank! The kids went nuts when they saw it.

The husband was happy to take the kids into the water while I sipped a margarita and relaxed. We stayed for a couple of hours and had a blast. I'm really looking forward to the kids getting a little older and they're able to swim on their own. They're both water babies so I know I wont have to wait long. In Las Vegas, the kids dont take swimming lessons until September...because before then, it's just too damn hot to be outside by the pool to watch them. So their annual lessons aren't for another month and a half. I guess I'm lucky they don't mind their floaties!