Wicky Wacky Wednesday

Just for a little fun, click here.

I'm quoted!

So I got a friendly little comment the other day from a new reader.

We made bloggy friends, and now she's quoting me in one of her blogs. Her blog is a clever and entertainingly funny one.....I guess that's why I'm on it? Yuck yuck yuck.

It's called Blogtations. You can see my quote there, among many others. Check it out, I know you'll get hooked like I did.

Deep (Random) Thoughts

What the hell is this style? I am seeing this more and more and, although I know I'm getting old and cranky, this style is just plain weird. The hair....come ON the hair? Eww. And pull your damn pants up. The last thing I need to see is a 16 year old boy's superman boxer shorts underwear (or something) because his pants have fallen down to his mid-thigh. Gross.














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Why don't people know the rules of a 4-way-stop? It's not sit there are look stupid until someone else decided to go. It's not keep rolling until you're half-way through the intersection and then hurry up and go. It's not impatiently wave me to go first because you're too stupid to know the rules. Sorry- you're not stupid. I have a thing with 4-way-stops.

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Why is it that, no matter how hard I try not to, I spill crap on my shirt when I'm eating or drinking something? It never fails. I am perpetually walking around with some random spot on my shirt...usually more than one.

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Did you know that boob cleavage makes a great food catcher? My newly big boobs are really good at catching food that might otherwise fall onto my shirt. I'm very thankful to my boobs for that.

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Why does my husband ask me for my opinion if 1- he already knows what my opinion is, and 2- if he knows he's going to do the exact opposite? For instance:


Him- Should we take the freeway or the side streets?

Me- Freeway. It's faster.

Him- But it's totally out of the way. Then we'll have to go around the long way.

Me- Um okay. Then go the side streets.

Him- I'm planning on it.

Me- Well then why did you ask me in the first place?

Him- Because I wanted to hear you opinion.

Me- Did you already know that I was going to say the freeway?

Him- Yes.

Me- Then why did you ask me?

Him- Because.

Me- Because why?

Him- (silence....)



Uh huh. Love that.

Just for shits and giggles

I had dinner with two of my favorite gal pals last night. The food was yummy, and we were even brave enough to order the "six pack", which is 6 5oz glasses of various beers. Fun and yum. A girl that likes beer as much as I do is always a friend of mine. Stephanie here is one of my favorite beer bitches.







Oh, and I HAD to tell you guys....after dinner we hit up the Victoria's Secret near the restaurant. I caught up with the infamous mannequin that my husband was eyeing the other day (okay, not really) and gave her a piece of my mind. It's really a treat for me when I get to flip somebody off. I get to do it so rarely...

I was going to kick her ass but I didn't want to get banned from the store for beating up a plastic woman, you know?

This picture wasn't even my idea, it was my friend Heather's. She even took the picture for me. I have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks Heather! But I did repay Heather for her kindness- I flashed her my new boobs in the bathroom stall of the restaurant. I don't know how it is where you live, but that's what a good girlfriend does in Vegas.

The Lexapro Chronicles

Hi........I am Matt, Tasha's husband and I am a spy. All of you women who are corrupting my wife will now have to answer to me. She is no longer allowed to blog with you because she has stopped paying attention to me and the kids and she only cares about all of you. I figured I should at least warn you that I am now in charge of this site and will be monitoring all content from today on. And Tasha, if you come visit this site, please go back to your chores and make sure the bathroom towels are straight.

Ok, I'm kidding. That last part was a reference to "Sleeping with the Enemy" starring that one dude with the moustache and Julia Roberts back when she was hot. So you are thinking' "wow, she married a strange one" and you would be correct. My lovely partner and I are very different. She is witty and charming. I fart very loud in bed. She is pretty and girly. I have hair on my feet. We both, however, come from nutty families and have stories to tell. If you have any interest in what I am about (for real) please feel free to visit THE LEXAPRO CHRONICLES .

A Housewife's Guide To Ice Cream

What do you do.....when you're tired....and you just want some damn ice cream..........but the ice cream is too cold to scoop out with a spoon? You do this. It works. I'm not ashamed.

I'm tired

Wow I'm tired. It's been quite a busy day for the Vegas housewife. Ya wanna know why?

Drum roll, please......

(this is where you tap your fingers on the desk)

Okay, deep breath......

I got a job.

A job! I know! It's part time, and I get to do it from home. Pretty close to perfect for a housewife, right? Right. It's freelance for iVillage, and my official title is "Assistant Community Moderator". Sounds pretty spiffy, doesn't it?

What do I do, you ask? I moderate message boards. Duh. No really...I keep the peace among some of the pregnancy and parenting message boards. To the women who post on those boards, I'm the "bad guy". He he he. I get my kicks just from being called that. For the most part, no one will even see me. I'm "Big Sister"....always watching.

I started this week, and it's pretty much turned my very boring life upside-down. But in a good way. I think I needed this. I needed something. And this is about as perfect as things come. Does this mean I'm not a housewife anymore? Because I kinda like the title if you didn't already know. I think I'll keep it.

I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'm really looking forward to actually learning something new. I'm looking forward to being intellectually stimulated...because you don't even want to know how long it's been since that happened.....

My ass is tired. I am going to do my best to keep up on my blog. You know, I can be witty and sarcastic even when I'm tired! So don't go get your panties in a bunch. Hopefully this job will just give me more crap to talk about.

Stay tuned.

Shopping with the family is always an adventure.

So all you perverts out there are really going to get your kicks off with this blog. And that goes for my close girlfriends, too- you know you guys are perverts!

My hubby and I packed up the kids and went down to Planet Hollywood for a little local shopping. See in Vegas, we don't really have any good malls. So when I want to SHOP, I go to the strip. I had a Victoria's Secret gift card burning a big hole in my pocket since my surgery a month ago, and I wanted to get something lacy and expensive. My amazing gal-pals here in town got the gift card for me as a congratulatory gift.

See, I told you they were perverts.

So the fam and I hit up Victoria's Secret. I was just innocently browsing, with my husband pushing the stroller with both kids in it behind me. I knew my husband didn't want to stay the whole time while I tried on everything in the store (and I almost did), but I knew he at least wanted to get a peak of what the store had to offer. So I'm walking through, liking what I see, and I hear the husband mumble something.

Me- "What?"

Husband- "I have to get out of here."

Me- "What are you talking about? Do you need to pee?"

Husband- "No."

Me- "Well what then...?"

I'm really stumped. My brain is going here....is he uncomfortable? No, that's not like him. Is he feeling sick? Going to throw up? No. Does he see an ex-girlfriend or someone he knows? No.

Husband- "I'm getting a (please insert appropriate word here)." And he very discretely points to his shorts.

Me- "uhhhhhh"

While I eye him eyeing the half-naked mannequin, I ask

Me- "Are you kidding?"

Husband- "Nope."

Me- "Okay go!"

Part of me says that I should be alarmed that my 37 year old husband is getting excited over a plastic woman- she does have a better body that me, after all. That bitch.

But the smart part of me knows that his excitement is for me. Let me show you what I mean....


So I put this hot little outfit together all by myself. Amazing, I know! I've really been into pink, lately. And the undies are sparkly! I've never had sparkly underwear before.


They have these cute little beads on the waistband. I think that was a nice touch. Beads on underwear are important.



And here's the pretty lace on the bra.



Sparkles! I'm guessing I cant actually wear these with clothes...but who cares. They're cute! I'll just walk around in my underwear all day.

Husband took the kids and left me alone in the store to bask over the bras and underwear. I tried a ton of stuff on, some cute, some not so cute. I swear those Victoria's Secret people have their fitting room lights DOWN! They are fabulous. The back of my thighs looked better under those lights than they've looked in 6 years. I want to live under those lights. The world would be a better place... with less cellulite.

So after I was finished, the husband and kids happened to be returning from their walk. I hear Jack laughing hysterically, and then I hear a noise that sounds like a huge fart. Yes, a fart. A big, loud, juicy fart. Jack laughs again. People are staring. I stand there, like a deer in headlights, hoping those sounds aren't coming towards me.

"No, that's not my fart...I mean child!"

Turns out my wonderful husband bought Jack a fart toy while I shopped, and they brought it back to Victoria's Secret to show me. Awww, how SWEET! (Sarcasm!) The farting (and giggling... and stares) continued through my checkout. The husband even looked back to the other (horrified) women in line and said something like-

"We don't get off the farm much"...meaning the funny farm.

We apparently don't. So yea, that was us. The family who farts (a lot) in the lingerie store. This is just another day for us!

But at least I got some cute stuff!

A sentence by Jack

Pay attention, now.....................................................................

"Mom! I think I want to get this army guy wet because then he could swim and I know he can swim he's a good swimmer but I don't want to ruin him do you think getting him wet will ruin him because I know he's a good swimmer and I can teach him how to hold his breath and then he can swim under water too and then I could take him to the swimming pool this summer is it summer yet because I really want to go swimming at the swimming pool and not the old pool but the new pool with the big orange slide. Okay?"

It's a Sunshine Day!

Yes, it is, but that's not what I'm talking about.



Yesterday, I had my kids in the car with me. Oh wait...I always have my kids in the car with me. My husband doesn't like it when I leave them home alone. That was a joke, by the way. Anyway, we were driving along quietly, and then the Brady Bunch Kids came on the radio and totally ruined the calm mood. See, having two kids means NEVER getting to listen to your own music. It means hearing Laurie Berkner, Ernie and Bert, and Raffi over and over and OVER again. The kids never get enough.



I suppose I could listen to my own music in the car, but it would be accompanied by the sounds of screaming and crying. I guess either one can be torture. I choose the Brady Bunch over Ava's screeching most days.



OW MY EARS! My ears are bleeding! Those Brady kids are awful.



Remember when you when were a kid, and quality singing just didn't matter as much? I remember watching those Brady kids and thinking they were pretty cool....and they could sing, too! Wow. I can just imagine those producers....what, were they high on crack at the time?....thinking "YEA, let's get those kids to SING, too!". But really, they were right- kids don't give a crap if someone can sing.

Their parents do, though.

I was driving along listening to this "singing" trying not to crash into another car- because hearing little Bobby's solo was almost too much for my poor ears to handle. But my kids loved it. Jack was very quiet the first part of the song (Jack is never quiet), and then he said "Mom I think I like this song!".



Go figure. Damn those Bradys.



If you want to hear the torture for yourself, listen to it here.

Dear God

Dear God,

Please give me strength today. Give me the strength to get through when my son tells me "NO!" for the 347th time, and when my very sensitive daughter starts crying again because I told her she cant stand on the window sill.

Please give me strength today when my son wants to change his clothes for the 4th time. Please don't let me bang my head against the wall today, but if I do, make sure I don't do it too hard.

Please give me the wisdom on what to say when my son tells me he 'isn't going to stand for my behavior' anymore (EXCUSE me??!!). And God, if you're listening, tell my daughter that she cant run around naked all day no matter how cute she thinks she is.

Oh, and God bless this beer that I am chugging right now.

Amen.

Deep Thoughts

I've decided I freakin love 'conversation recollections' in blogs.....is that a real sentence?

I was reading Jodi's blog this morning and she has a really funny one up. See, her husband is European and has an accent. It makes things that much more interesting for their family (now that they live in the states). So she wrote a blog about ordering food at the drive-through. Read her blog about it here. It made me laugh...more than once.

Here's one of mine from this past weekend:

The hubby and I have been talking about getting out to Northern California this summer to see my folks. They live in a very beautiful town, and the hubby and I haven't been there in years. Four years to be exact. So we've been checking out local vacation rentals near my parent's house (since they don't have room to put the four of us up). We found some adorable little cottages, right by the beach, that have 2 bedrooms and a full kitchen.....the perfect way to travel with small children. And anyone who has small kids knows what the hell I'm talking about. You put two adults, a 2 year old and a 4 year old into a little hotel room with two queen sized beds and..... well, do I really need to finish that sentence? It's insane. On top of the normal craziness, my husband snores... bless his heart. He tries really hard not to, but it's just a part of who he is. I've accepted it, being the caring, considerate wife that I am. Remember that, honey, the next time I slap you while you sleep.

Imagine what a chainsaw trapped in a bucket of mucus sounds like. Yea. Got it? Now try sleeping next to that. Um no. And no matter what secret potions he takes, or pieces of tape he puts on his nose, or how much booze he drinks, or sleeping pills he takes....nothing quiets the chainsaw. So the chainsaw travels with us. But he gets to sleep in another room.

Which is why this cottage idea is such a great one. Lots of space, a kitchen for those toddler snacks that you have to have or else shit hits the fan, and an extra room for the chainsaw. Sweet.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yea, I was talking about my conversation recollection from this weekend. We were looking at cottages yesterday, and this is how it went:

Me: Hey you know, if we go see my parents, we can have the kids spend the night over at their house! They're old enough for that now, right? (Husband is excitedly nodding) Then we can go out and have some fun on our own for a night! We can stay out late (that means past ten lol). And then I can sleep in in the morning. How cool would that be?

Husband: That WOULD be cool. And we could drink wine and do it.

(Not exactly the answer I was expecting but okay...)

Me: Do it?

Husband: Yea, do it.

Me: (giggle) Do it.

So even though my conversation wasn't nearly as clever or funny as Jodi's, it still makes me laugh. I love reading them. So if you have your own, please share. I'd love to laugh at you, too.

Blog Friends are fun

I'm pretty sure I've made my first bloggy friend. Her name is Jen, and her blog is called Cheaper Than Therapy. Pretty clever, eh? I think so. I know she thought long and hard about her blog title, and I think she made a great choice.

At some point, I noticed a general comment from a person that I didn't recognize. I followed her name to her blog, read it, and it was like reading my own blog. I guess that's how you make bloggy friends, right? I don't really know since I'm new to this...

She's funny, sarcastic, and entertaining. Definitely my kind of woman. I enjoy reading her goods. She even tagged my blog on the movie quote game. I went investigating and I found that Jen is linked through my online friend, Toni. God bless you, Toni! So is this a case of a "friend of a friend"? Or is this just how a good blog runs? Whatever, because I am totally enjoying the excellent reading- however it works!

Not a bad job!

I am pleasantly surprised at the number of quotes everyone guessed correctly. Am I that easy? Wait...don't answer that.

Here's the answers to the ones you didn't get. Any of them surprise you?


1. "Look, It's the African ant eater ritual!" Jenn (Wispywinds) guessed Cant Buy Me Love correctly! Whoo hoo- I love this movie! Dontcha just love the African Ant Eater Ritual at the school dance? That's my favorite part.

2. "Samuel, God bless you. You are good at everything you try to do. I'm sure it'll be the same with fucking." Legends Of The Fall. This quote was uttered by the gorgeous Brad Pitt as 'Tristan'. This is my favorite movie of all time.

3. "Hey you, get your damn hands off her!" Dana, Jeanna and Amanda all got this one right- it's Back to the Future! George McFly is so adorable, wouldn't you agree? I didn't realize this one was so easy.

4. "Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass." Jodi got this one- It's The Princess Bride! WTG Jodi!

5. "I don't wanna trust you, Julian, I just want my 50 K, all right?" Jill guessed this one right! It's Less Than Zero...remember that scene with Andrew McCarthy making out with Jamie Gertz in the middle of the road while "Hazy Shade of Winter" played? Or Robert Downey Jr. cracked out of his mind? One of my most favorie movies for sure. WTG Jill!

6. "That boy sure is a runnin fool." Jen guessed Forrest Gump correctly! And BTW Jen, Blue Moon is a wheat beer. :P

7. "Come back to me." Somewhere In Time. 1980. Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour. One of the best love stories ever told IMO. It also has the most amazing music soundtrack.

8. "That John Denver's full of shit, man." Come on you guys! I thought this one was easy! It's Dumb And Dumber. Remember when Loyd (Jim Carey) took a wrong turn, and they ended up in Kansas? They were looking out at the FLAT plains and said "I thought the Rocky Mountains were going to be a little rockier than this..." My most loved comedy!

9. "You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls. Now, you got too much of one and not enough of the other." The Color Of Money. A pool movie. 1986. Sequel to The Hustler (1961). Paul Newman and Tom Cruise- before he turned into an asshole. Great flick if you like that kinda thing.

10. "Look, they wont let her shop. Yeah, like those sales girls in Beverly Hills aren't bigger whores than she is." Gina guessed Pretty Woman for this one, but alas it's NOT correct. Doh! Guess again! Here's a hint: the person was watching Pretty Woman when they said this.

Toni go this one! It's Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion! Like, DUH!

Just a typical day at my house...

Picture this:

It's 8am. Ava pours her dry bowl of cereal out onto the carpet. She wants to be like mom (aww, cute right?) and grabs her vacuum. I hear a strange noise coming from the living room that sounds like cereal being ground into the carpet. Funny how moms know what a sound is, when any "normal" person wouldn't be able to tell....

Ummmm, thanks for the help, Ava, but why don't you let me take it from here.





So I'm running for the vacuum and I see Jack out of the corner of my eye.

"Jack....why are you wearing Ava's babydoll stroller on your head? Is it a hat?"

"No mom! Duh... it's a mask."

"Oh."

Geez, how could I be so thoughtless? Of course it's a mask. Anyone in their right mind can see that, right?

As I have blogged before, I am currently hating on jeans. So I've come up with a plan. I'm still going to try and look "cute"...do housewives actually look cute? Whatevs. Anyway, I found these cute little Capri pants....they're considered "activewear", but really they're just sweats. But they aren't your average baggy sweats....they're kind of tight. But they aren't spandex either (hello activewear!)- just cotton. Very comfortable. Very cute. And lots of colors to choose from. The best part? They're hella cheap! I got mine at the store for $10 each.

Seriously.

So I bought every color they had.

Then I had an idea....why not just wear these all summer? Screw jeans. I don't need no stinkin jeans to look 'normal' (as opposed to a sweated-out, overweight housewife...not that there's anything wrong with that...). I can wear these Capris, with a cute shirt (or low-cut tank top to show off the girls), and a nice piece of jewelry... and I'm good! I was at Kohl's last week and stumbled upon the jewelry clearance rack. They had $30 beaded necklaces (did I mention I LOVE beaded jewelry?) for $3! What a steal.

So we'll see how well my plan works. It's my poor, pathetic attempt to stay trendy- but affordable- but most of all- comfortable.

If you want to get your own pair of these babies, go here. Make sure to check out all of the colors. They even had black at the store!

A Housewife's Friday Night

It's just after 8pm. My daughter is in bed, my husband is putting our son to bed as I type, and I'm on the computer and drinking a Blue Moon. What an exciting night, eh? This is about as good as it gets, ladies and gentlemen.

So, for your reading enjoyment I'm playing the movie quote game that some of my bloggy friends have been doing. I think I'm pretty good at movie quotes, so let's see how you do with my favorites.

Everyone loves movies, and one thing we love from them are the great one liners! Let’s have some fun with them.

Here are the rules:

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. No Googling or IMDb-ing. That’s cheating and that’s no fun.

Ready? In random order, my quotes:


1. "Look, It's the African ant eater ritual!" Jenn (Wispywinds) guessed Cant Buy Me Love correctly! Whoo hoo- I love this movie! Dontcha just love the African Ant Eater Ritual at the school dance? That's my favorite part.

2. "Samuel, God bless you. You are good at everything you try to do. I'm sure it'll be the same with fucking."

3. "Hey you, get your damn hands off her!" Dana, Jeanna and Amanda all got this one right- it's Back to the Future! George McFly is so adorable, wouldn't you agree? I didn't realize this one was so easy.

4. "Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass." Jodi got this one- It's The Princess Bride! WTG Jodi!

5. "I don't wanna trust you, Julian, I just want my 50 K, all right?" Jill guessed this one right! It's Less Than Zero...remember that scene with Andrew McCarthy making out with Jamie Gertz in the middle of the road while "Hazy Shade of Winter" played? Or Robert Downey Jr. cracked out of his mind? One of my most favorie movies for sure. WTG Jill!

6. "That boy sure is a runnin fool." Jen guessed Forrest Gump correctly! And BTW Jen, Blue Moon is a wheat beer. :P

7. "Come back to me."

8. "That John Denver's full of shit, man."

9. "You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls. Now, you got too much of one and not enough of the other."

10. "Look, they wont let her shop. Yeah, like those sales girls in Beverly Hills aren't bigger whores than she is." Gina guessed Pretty Woman for this one, but alas it's NOT correct. Doh! Guess again! Here's a hint: the person was watching Pretty Woman when they said this.

Toni go this one! It's Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion! Like, DUH!

Return to the Treadmill

It's my 2 week boobiversary today. Isn't that word funny? My friend Heather says that. Boobiversary. They've softened up a lot in the past week. Still lots of yucky tingly sensations on them, though. I realize I still have a long way to go.

This week I returned to the gym (with my doctor's blessing of course). He said I could even run again if I felt the need....as long as I wore my sports bra and girdle. How the hell is someone supposed to run a couple of miles with a girdle on? Um, no thanks. I'm not ready to work my arms or chest with weights yet either. I don't really have a reason, I just think it's too soon. But I was anxious to get some much needed exercise and show off my new rack to the other housewives that go to the gym during the day.

I did 30 minutes of fast walking to begin the hour. It was okay the first 20 minutes, and then I started to feel weird twinges in my stomach. Eww. Maybe that means I'm pushing it too hard? I dunno. I'm really not one of those maniac exercise people. Actually I'm pretty lazy. The best part about the gym is being able to drop the kids off at the playroom and ahhhhhhh, a whole 2 hours to myself! No distractions, no "MOOOOMMMMM!". Just me, among other adults (just being around them is enough for me), zoning out to my ipod.

For that, I'll exercise.

And maybe one of these days my body will actually respond to all my hard work and lose some weight. I'm convinced my body likes this fat, and it apparently likes wearing a size (deep breath) 12. I myself prefer the size 8 I was in before Ava was born but, whatever. Maybe my body and I can come to a happy medium. I did just stick a bunch of silicone in it so I'll give it a few weeks to get used to the idea.

Yard sale!

We're going to attempt a yard sale this weekend. I will fully admit that I don't really know what the hell I'm doing, but I'll do my best to fake it. It's easy....you put an add in the paper, make a couple of signs for the neighborhood, and throw a bunch of your crap out on the driveway and VOILA! You have yourself a yard sale! Right?

I've held onto all the baby *stuff* we accumulated over the years- swings, highchairs, Bumbos, a cradle, TONS of random toys.....I'm going to try and sell all of it. I would totally give it to a friend who needed baby stuff but, all my friends have had their babies! Wow, am I that old already? Anyway, my next thought was to give it to Goodwill. But be blunt, we spent a lot of money on everything. Baby stuff ain't cheap. So I want to make a little $$ back. My plan is to put the earnings into my kid's college fund. Good decision, right? Although I did think about taking myself out for a mani/pedi with it after all the work it's going to take to pull off the sale!

So, this weekend will be bittersweet. Getting rid of all my baby's baby stuff is kind of a big deal. I will never have baby things around again. My babies aren't babies anymore! But I'm also very happy and very excited that I'm finished with it. I'm ready to move on, and I think my kids are, too.