The Implant Diaries; Chapter 2

I think I'm breast obsessed. Not with anyone else's- just with my own. I guess that's okay, right? I love my new and improved set. I still cant believe that they're HERE.....right under my chin! All I have to do is look down and.....OH! There they are again! They really aren't going away- they're MINE. All mine! I can squish them, and squeeze them, and put them in any C cup bra I please. Well, in 2 weeks I can- when I can wear an underwire bra again. My doc said no underwires until my incisions (which are under my breast) are healed. And I have to admit, my incisions are still a bit stingy. But they're almost closed, which is pretty amazing healing time if you ask me. Just look how great "the girls" (as my girlfriends call them) look at 12 days post-op!

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I hear I wont really need an underwire anymore, though. No push-up needed!!?? I'm told they will settle down with time, and that's just fine by me. Right now I kinda feel like they're in my throat.

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So let's see.....where were we? Day 2? I guess not much happened on day 2. I slept a lot. That first night wasn't a very good one. I was in a lot of pain (because remember I didn't take my prescribed pain meds), and I woke up every two hours all night to pee. Is that where all the extra fluid goes? You have to pee it out? Wonderful. I was having pregnancy reflections that night.

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Mid-afternoon I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor. It took everything in me to get some pants on and pull my hair back. Then, sitting in Friday afternoon traffic in the car in a tight ace bandage and a girdle was even worse. I started to feel nauseous, I was tired, and my whole torso was being squished from the middle out. I kept thinking "if I have to throw up should I roll down the window or open the door?". Decisions decisions.

I didn't throw up. I figured out that, with the way I was sitting, my girdle was pressing on my stomach giving me terrible indigestion. Lovely, right? Are you still considering plastic surgery after this? Ha.

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We got to the doc's in one piece, and the nurse unraveled me. It hurt, but it felt GOOD. I could breathe again. Ahhhhhhhh. My breasts felt incredibly heavy. Like I could feel the pull all the way up my neck! It was really strange. And then when she took off the stomach wrap, it felt like my insides were going to fall out. Another hard to describe feeling. Most of my stomach was numb- from my nerves being traumatized from the liposuction (did I mention I had a little of that? LOL). My boobs were very tight and tender....but DAMN they looked good! I had BOOBS. They weren't discolored, or oddly shaped, or mismatched......they were round and straight and perfect. Wow. And my stomach, even thought it was bruised and swollen, was sooooo much flatter than before. The post-pregnancy belly flab was gone.

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So for all of you looking for gore and guts and blood.....I hate to disappoint but there really wasn't any. What the hell, right?! But my incisions are SO small and thin, and I don't have any freakish drainage and/or oozing....

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I'm on day 12, and my nerve endings are acting a little strange. It feels like a stingy, tingling all over my stomach and breasts. Almost like when your foot falls asleep? I don't like it. It's annoying, and it makes me feel really self conscious of the pain that I still have. I suppose it's a good thing that this is happening, since I don't want to be numb forever, but I hope it ends soon. OH, and I've heard these strange noises coming from my boobs- like swishing, and like bubbles in water. Eeww! It's like the "hold a seashell up to your ear and hear the ocean"....except for me it's "hold my boob up to your ear and hear the ocean..." I've read this is normal and will pass, but it's just not right feeling (and hearing) an air bubble in your boob.

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I plan to write more about the liposuction recovery, because it's a process in itself. It's been interesting seeing the transformation of my belly. And wearing this god-forsaken girdle 27/7 has been more of a challenge that I had anticipated. I swear I'm going to burn it ceremonially once I get to take it off for good. I'll save that for another chapter.

Friday Fun

It was such a gorgeous day today. We went to the park, and then had popsicles out in the backyard after lunch. I learned something new today, too: popsicles stain clothes.

A Housewife's Library

I bought a couple of new books this week. Don't you just love getting new books? I do. It's like Christmas! A new book is like holding a mini adventure in your hand. You can go places and see things that you'd never be able to IRL (that means "In Real Life" for all you computer illiterate peeps out there).

Books are especially exciting for us stay-at-home moms, since going to the friggin grocery store is about as much excitement as we get. I picked out books that I know I will like, since I'm not really into "story gambling" right now. I don't have time to read a shitty book. It has to be good.

The first book I bought is called Dry Ice By Stephen White. I love Stephen White books. He writes a series about a Shrink living in Boulder, Colorado. It's good writing and has good characters. I highly recommend this author, and there are a lot of books by him to choose from. I've read them all.

I also got The Road by Cormac McCarthy. This is one of those books that I just had to read. It needs to be in my library. I've heard many different things about the book from people who have already read it, and I cant wait to have my own opinion.

And last but not least, I bought The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs. This one looks fun. Fun like.... Eat Pray Love fun. Like girl talk fun. Like eating a piece of chocolate cake fun. Like taking a bath with a glass of wine fun. Like sleeping in fun.....I could go on forever here but you get the point.

Maybe I'll start my own book review. Or maybe I'll start a bloggy blog book club. Say that three times fast.

The Implant Diaries, Chapter 1

Okay, I'm going to attempt to blog a bit today about my surgery day (because I know you're all dying to know....sarcasm there!). The whole experience will have to be written in parts, because my kids don't allow me to be at the computer for longer than a few minutes at a time.

(See I just had to get up and go crack the whip...but I'm back)

I've decided to write in chapters, so if you ever miss one of the posts you can easily find it. I am so completely full of myself, aren't I?

Deep breath...here we go......

Thursday morning my surgery was scheduled for 8am. They asked me to be there and hour early for prep. Which meant that I had to get up at 5am (eww), not eat or drink anything- which meant NO coffee (double eww), and then sit naked on a prep table while a bunch of strangers poked and prodded me. Sounds like a good time, right? The nurse that helped me dress (and undress) even said this to me- and I quote:

"Okay, you need to go wee-wee in this cup so we know you're not pregnant, okay?"

Wee-wee? What am I, five? Where did you come from? The pediatric's wing? So I did what I was told and went wee-wee in the cup for her. I even got a sucker when I was finished.....kidding kidding.

Back to laying naked on the prep table. I did have a few "warm" blankets on me. And they did give good footed socks. Something you don't know about me- I can NOT relax when my feet are cold. I cant sleep with cold feet, either. If my feet are cold, I will lay awake the entire night. Seriously. But once my feet warm up, I'll fall asleep right away. Not sure where that came from but, it's the way I work.

(I just wanted to let you know I've had to get up from the computer 2 more times to deal with the kids since I started writing this. It's amazing I can keep one train of thought...)

So I'm laying on the prep table, IV in place, socks on, waiting for someone to roll me into the OR. Then a very tall, super-good looking, plain clothed man strolls into my cube.

Him- "How you doin?"
Me- "uhhh......ummmm.....eerrrrrr...............fine?"
Him- "My name is (don't remember his name) and I'm your anesthesiologist."
Me- "Okay. So you're the man with the drugs?" (Slapping myself for saying something so stupid. I'm sure he's NEVER heard that one before. Nice job, Tasha.)
Him- "Huhuhhuh" (that's a half-assed laugh BTW)

My realization: This guy is going to see me naked in a few minutes! Eeek! I don't know about you, but it's worse to have a good looking person see you naked than it is to have a not so good looking person see you naked. Like my surgeon, he isn't the prettiest man, so I could care less how he sees me. But when Dr. McSteamy walks in, it makes things a little uncomfortable!

I immediately get rolled into the operating room after meeting McSteamy, and don't remember much after that except that I had to scoot from one bed to another.

The next thing I knew, I was in a chair, DRESSED, and eating crackers and drinking apple juice out of a little can. What?? What the hell just happened? The nurse told me I had even tried to help her put my pants on. I did? Since I was naked before, I can only imagine the crotch shots she probably got while trying to dress me. Sweet.

I felt pretty good and drugged. Tired. I remember smelling the ace bandage that was wrapped inhumanly tight around my breasts. I remember smelling the iodine that they used, and I had little crusty spots of it on my arms. I hate the smell of iodine/betadine. I took a pain pill (thanks Heather!), and my girlfriend arrived to drive me home. I don't remember what we talked about....only that I started feeling sick in the car on the way home. Little did I know that that was only the beginning of the nausea....

I was just glad to have the surgery part over with. I hopped into bed when I got home and slept the rest of the day. I don't think I've spent so much time in bed since I gave birth two years ago. I took another pain pill a few hours after I got home, and promptly puked. Then two hours later I puked again. It wasn't just a little either. It was heaving, loud, can-hardly-catch-my-breath-in-between puking. I remember thinking "I bet this is GREAT for my stitches...".

Turns out I was having a reaction the the pain meds. Dammit...I was really looking forward to taking those, too! I hear they're fun. Anyway, I made an executive decision and stopped taking them. I went the whole first night without pain meds. Oww! But I felt sooooo much better not puking my guts out all night. Pain is easier than nausea. Is that weird of me? Probably.


By the next morning, I was hurting but relieved my stomach had recovered. I was able to eat and drink and I actually got out of bed and came downstairs briefly. Very briefly.

Click here to read The Implant Diaries, Chapter 2.

Happy Easter

Well, I was planning on blogging a bit about my surgery this morning, but my husband is itching to get out of the house for a few hours. The kids are hopped up on sugar from their newly found Easter candy (it's 7:30am), and they're driving my husband and me crazy. This is my house:

Me- "Happy Easter, honey."

Husband- "Happy Easter to you, Hon."

Jack- "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" MOMMMMMM, Ava is hitting me!"

Ava- "AAHHHHHHH!" (door slams upstairs)

Husband- "Can we get the hell out of the house today?"

Me- "It's 7:30"

Husband- "So."

Me- "Okay then."

So, in keeping with our family Easter tradition, we're going to the Bellagio Flower Gardens this morning. Which means my blogging will have to wait a few more hours. Getting back to the gardens, if you've never been, GO. It's one of the very few places in Vegas that I think everyone visiting MUST see. It's incredible, and beautiful, and the room smells divine. It takes $1 million to upkeep every year, so you know it has to be good! It also gives you a spot to take some really good pictures.

So, until later this afternoon.....happy Easter to you!

Easter? When!?

So it's like Easter, isn't it? I'm having kind of a "I'm a bad mom" moment. I've been so wrapped up in myself and my surgery these past few weeks, I've kind of spaced Easter. Oops.

I consider myself a Christian, but Easter has never been a huge deal for our family. My husband and I have NO family nearby- so it's just us. It's just not the same celebrating when it's only you at the party, KWIM? Easter only gives me a good reason to eat, and eat a lot.

So today I'm on a mission. I'm going to go get eggs, and chocolate, and some dye, and we're going to dye some eggs tonight, darn it! I'm not sure how I'm going to manage it...."no Ava, you cant sit on Mama's lap because her breast implants are still tender...". Nice. I'll make sure to get that on video....

I've decided I'm going to take us out to dinner tomorrow night. You know what the "Vegas way" to celebrate a holiday like this is? Go to a buffet! The buffets aren't just for the tourists....they're for the locals, too! After you live here long enough, you learn where the best buffets are, and where you can get the most bang for your buck (like champagne with your brunch- yum).

I know my kids only care about their Easter baskets and what they'll get in them, and they'll forget about Easter by Monday but, I'm into making some memories. Even if it means only my husband and I will remember. We can tell the kids about it when they get older....that's what parents do, right?

P.S. I will post a surgery update later this weekend when I'm done feeling like a bad mom....

Tomorrow is the day!

Deep Thoughts

It's amazing to me how girls can be so girlie, and boys can be so......well, boys. Since Ava was barely able to walk, she's helped herself to my undergarments drawer- to my slips and bras. She will put them on and wear them around the house like she's been doing it for years. Where did that come from? She will find every bead necklace in the house and wear them in her PJs. Is that like sleeping with your diamonds on? She loves her diva sunglasses- although she prefers to wear them upside-down.

Before she was born, I was convinced that most (if not all) of a child's preference was due to their parents and their surroundings. "No boy of mine is playing with dolls!". Oh please.

Now I think that a child is born with a preference....whatever that may be. Jack is allowed to play with whatever he wants, but he prefers trucks and dirt.....he always has. Ava likes to play with trucks, too, but she plays with them in her bead necklaces and sunglasses.

I'm very grateful to have a boy and a girl- it doesn't get any better than one of each!

Patty's Day party!

Apparently, my husband and I throw a pretty good party. Everything went off without a hitch! I think everyone had a good time- I know I did! People didn't leave until almost midnight. That is hella late for me (I prefer to be in bed by 9 most nights), but I was having such a good time I hardly noticed.

The food came out great. I meant to take pictures of the spread, but I was so busy getting it together and making sure everyone got a plate that I totally forgot! So just use your imagination, okay?

The best part of the meal was the dessert. Ohhhhhhh baby. As I blogged before, I made the Pioneer Woman's apple dumplings. To be blunt, these little rolls of heaven are like an orgasm in your mouth. Seriously. Everyone raved about them, and a few of the men went back for seconds. They are so easy to make (Try it again, Dori!), and I swear I'm going to patent the recipe and sell them in my own apple dumpling restaurant. These are so good an entire restaurant should be devoted to them. Dont anyone steal my idea, now!

Just look at all that apple, ooey gooey goodness...

And again, for those who are afraid of cooking or trying new things...don't be! These are easy! I still cant figure out what the Mt. Dew is all about but hey, who am I to judge? I'm not about to go changing a perfectly perfect recipe.

After dinner, the rest of the night was pretty much devoted to the Wii and Irish Carbombs.

Not everyone can be as fast as me. I am a professional, after all.

I think the boys were golfing, but I cant be sure. I wasn't about to move from my spot in the kitchen.

I feel really good about being able to pull off a party for 12 people. Isn't that one of the things a good housewife should be able to do? It was a pretty big job, but it was totally worth every grey hair. And now I'm on "party credit" until next year....

Whew!

Let the festivities begin!

Tomorrow is my St. Patty's Day party! Let the craziness begin. I went to the store tonight and got everything I need- corned beef...check. Cabbage...check. Carrot and potatoes...check (getting hungry now). Lots of beer...hells yes check.

This is a beer household. If you don't like beer, dont come to one of my parties. What did I get? Guinness. Duh. Killian's, because they didn't have Bass or Harp at the store. Amateurs! Coors Light for the green beer. You will never -ever- see me paying money for Budweiser. I'm a Colorado girl, and I drink Colorado beer. I even went to school with Christy Coors. It's kind of a loyalty thing....you understand.

I got green food coloring. That should be fun. If I put enough in the beer, it will turn every one's lips and teeth green. Then I can just sit back and secretly giggle at my guests- after they have a few beers they wont even care if their mouths are green. My years of bartending taught me this. It was definitely one of the perks of the job. It'll make for some good pictures. I also got some Irish cream, just in case anyone wants an Irish coffee or an Irish Car Bomb (minus the whiskey).

For dessert, I'm making the Pioneer Woman's apple dumplings. And Dori- I will let you know how they turn out! Practice makes perfect, darling....keep trying them! YUM! I might just skip dinner and eat these all night....

The main entertainment of the night (other than the food) is going to be our Wii. It's a lot of fun, and even better when you're drinking. I'm not any good at any of the games, but it's fun none the less.

Oh oh! I almost forgot. I got a steal of a deal on the corned beef. I *just happened* to pick two roasts (I got 4 total) that didn't have sticker bar codes (meaning no price hee hee). These were BIG roasts- probably $15 ones. When I was checking out, the checker woman was complaining about her job. Since I can relate to having a crappy job, I started teasing her. She perked up just as she came to my roasts. Here's how it went:

Her: "Where is the barcode on this!?"
Me: "Oh crap, I must have picked one that didn't have one...I'm sorry (and I was)!"
Her: "No problem!"

She takes one of the roasts that has a barcode, which happens to be the LEAST expensive one of the bunch, and beeps it 3 times for the ones that don't have stickers. Whoo hoo, thank you! She probably saved me at least $20 from doing that. I cant decide if this was just luck or karma...or maybe I should have made her charge me the correct amount somehow? It was a big added bonus to my shopping trip!

And soooooo, I'm ready to rock. Let the good times roll.

Penelope is my new best friend.

Have you seen the Penelope character yet? I think everyone knows someone like this....do you? Just push play!

I've had 100 babies sooo..........and I only weight 85 pounds now sooo............all my children live with me sooo...........and my husband makes 250 million a year sooo...........and I own a diamond vault sooo..............

Muffin tops and ass cracks

Okay, something that really bugs me: women's jeans. Why cant I find a pair that either isn't too big or too small?

Let me explain. If you're a woman- that really means WOMAN- with curves...with all the wonderful "extras" you get after having babies and/or getting older. That means the wider hips, the squishy stuff around your midsection, the cottage cheese thighs that have for some reason doubled in size over the last few years. How does that happen, anyway? I'm calling these things "curves" because that's the nice way to say it, wouldn't you agree? And literally, the extras are curves on our bodies, so let's just leave it at that.

I am trying to embrace the majority of my curves. I'm not a 22-year-old bartender anymore. I've had two babies in 2.4 years. I drink a lot of beer (and I'm not willing to stop that part, either). I turned 30. These are really great things that I have been blessed with. So I'll take the fat...errr I mean curves....with it.

Since I have curves now, jeans don't fit the same. They either fit great at one part, or at another, but never BOTH. So I'm either begging to breathe and sporting a really awesome "muffin top", or I'm comfortable and constantly pulling my pants up (because they're too big in the waist) and showing my ass crack. Neither of these things is particularly appealing to me. So which is worse...ass cracks or muffin tops? Oh, and if you get the really low-rise jeans, you can have BOTH at the same time! What a deal!

I don't want to have to wear a belt all the time, but I hate having to pull my pants up, and up again, and again.....why cant a pair of jeans just FIT? I could just put them on and walk away. No belt, no fat rolls, no ass crack. And don't think I'm about to go wear a pair of "mom jeans", either. I may be 30 and a mom, but I'm only 30.

I don't want anything too trendy- no skinny jeans, thank you. I like a little flair in the legs- it makes my butt look smaller. Nothing that is going to break my bank account (sorry but I am not going to spend $200 on a pair of pants). Nothing too "low-rise", no "Mom Jeans", and they must be CUTE. Is this too much to ask? Apparently it is!

I hate jeans right now!

Movies, anyone?

There are a couple of movies I've been wanting to see. Just a disclaimer: I am sooooo out of touch with most of the current movies out right now- partly because I could give a crap, partly because I just don't have the damn time (or energy) to watch them. I'd rather sleep, eat, or stare at the wall.....

On top of not having the time, if I had the time, it would mean finding a babysitter and paying her to come over. I dunno, but spending the cash ($20 for sitter + $20 for movie + $10 for drinks/candy/popcorn because if I'm going I'm going ALL out = $50 for 90 minutes...ouch) to watch a movie in the theatre- at this point it's just not worth it. I don't know if you know this but I'm a tad bit thrifty. I like the word thrifty better than cheap but..... same difference.

So....

When I pick a movie to see, it's moved into a very elite group of flicks. It should feel lucky that I want to see it (in case any of the movies are reading...).

Also, I have a strategy for watching movies. I go into each one thinking it's going to suck. Not even hoping it *might* be a little entertaining...but assuming that it will REALLY suck. That way, I'm never disappointed. If it really does suck, well, ha, I already knew that. If it doesn't suck, then I can be pleasantly surprised. It's worked out well.

Here are the movies that I want to see:

Stardust. This is a chick flick for sure, which is part of the reason I haven't seen it yet. I've heard it's very enjoyable (it sucks), and I like the actresses in it (Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes, Sienna Miller). I would have loved to have seen it in the theatre (with my mom!) but, it just wasn't in the stars....no pun intended. Chick flicks definitely have to be watched at the right time. You cant just go see a chick flick with your husband- it would totally ruin the movie! They'd sit next to you and burp and fart and roll their eyes, and not have any clue that they'd need to hand you a tissue at the appropriate time.

10,000 BC. This one I can even take my husband to ! This movie looks just plain COOL (it sucks). I really like this director, and I've never heard of any of the main actors, so how can you go wrong? This is one I'd almost pay a sitter to see in the theatre....

27 Dresses. *blush* Another chick flick. I really like Katherine Heigl. I rubbed shoulders with her at the Las Vegas airport before she became big and famous. She was tall and thin and gorgeous. I remember she had a gold charm bracelet on, and she was flying coach. Fun movie (it sucks).

Doomsday. Okay, I'm embarrassed. This will be one of those Blockbuster rentals "I hope no one sees me renting this because it sucks..." kind of movies. But I cant deny it...I like science fiction silliness like this!

The Date Night Diaries

So I know you all are wondering about how my date with the hubby and our couple friends went! That was a joke, by the way. But I'm gonna tell you anyway! I got some great pictures out of it.

There were ten of us- 5 couples. I think we were all so happy to be out with other grown-ups. We gals have been trying to do something like this with our husbands for years! So this date was a long time coming. Everyone got along famously, and I haven't laughed that hard since I don't know when. We stuffed our faces, drank whatever we pleased (I even had a mixed drink that was called a "pink slut"...or something like that), and brought out all the swear words just for good measure.

Aren't our men cute? This is minus one guy- they ran late. Rum Jungle has the most amazing, beautiful bar! Apparently they have every kind of rum in existence, too. Have you ever heard of a rum that costs $150 a shot? I have, and Rum Jungle has it. Yikes.






And OMG you guys...I saw one of the infamous CAGE GO-GO DANCERS! Whoo hoo! She even "posed" for a picture for me! They have these lucky girls hanging high above the dining room, just doing their own thing. Where do I get that job!?

Next up was the Foundation Room. Now this place is just too cool. You get to go in an elevator that is roped off from the general public. Then it takes you up 50 floors to the top of Mandalay Bay. You walk into a dark room, and there is Asian themed decor, lots of different colored lights all around, and the smell of incense throughout. Stephanie said "it smells like ass in here". LOL. The views are incredible. The service was incredible. The drinks were strong. I felt like a rock star....and we partied like rockstars, too. Lots of drinking, giggling, boob comparing (since I'm breast obsessed until my surgery), and picture taking. I know the husbands were there, too, but I think they just enjoyed sitting back and watching their wives let loose.


A little silliness goes a long way....and you can see my $20 martini on the shelf there. I told you I was having one of those!

This was our postcard-worthy view. Incredible, isn't it? It was almost hard to take in, it was so surreal!





I love these girls! Thank goodness for girlfriends!



And, at the end of the night, we were all pretty sauced and snuggly. We spent way too much money, I ate too much, drank too much, and my stomach was sore after laughing to tears all night. It was a night I wont soon forget- my friends definitely know how to have a good time!

There are no words...

There are no words for this picture. My husband met these women and actually had these pictures signed for my 4 year old son! Jack was like "please mom dont make me hold these and take a picture!" Ahhhhh, there are really fun moments in a parent's life, and this was one of them. This and this are who these women are.

Ava tastes a tomato:

Do you think she likes it? Hee hee

Big day for Hillary!

I am so thrilled that Hillary Clinton won Texas, Ohio, and Rhode Island in yesterday's primaries! Yessssss!

Psychosis is from the little things...

The toddler bed is rocking my world. A few weeks ago, Ava started crawling out of her crib. She fell flat on her head once, so my husband and I said "screw it" and took the crib down. I naively thought "Ava is ready for the toddler bed! How exciting!". Ha. Funny.

Since we moved her to it, she hasn't napped worth a crap. She gets up and plays. She totally disregards my "stay in your bed!" orders. We've even been dealing with the middle-of-the-night playing. I'm having a mini breakdown this week- asking myself what the hell do I do now??!! She NEEDS her daily nap. I cant get rid of it. On top of Ava needing it, I need it. It's my only down time. If mom doesn't get it, everyone will hear about it.

So the newest is that, with all my "stay in your bed" talk, she will get up, get a toy or book, and run back to bed. Okay, I can deal with that. BUT, then 5 minutes later, she will get up and get another book.....and so on. So 30 minutes later, her little bed is so full of crap she cant go to sleep once she's tired. Ugh! I tried removing all her toys from her room, thinking that would be enough. She just went to her dresser and pulled out all her clothes. I'm convinced she has planned this elaborate scheme of not sleeping, and is doing it just to make me crazy.

Ava doesn't sleep well = a grumpy toddler. A grumpy toddler = a grumpy mom. A grumpy mom = a grumpy house. Damn that toddler bed.

What's a mom to do? Do they make straps for toddler beds? (kidding kidding)