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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Rules to Living in Las Vegas

I didn't write this, so I dont want to take any credit for it. However, it's fucking funny to us Las Vegas locals... so enjoy!

1. First, it's pronounced LOSS-VAYGUS. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has it's own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. (Seriously people- dont forget your balls at home, because you're going to need them on the roads!)

3. All directions start with, "Go down 95...'cause you don't want to get on 15."

4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston Blvd, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end.

5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive."

6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 11:30am to 10:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends sometime late Sunday night.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue.

8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for a casino. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Gaming Tag" around the collar of your white shirt or clipped on to your belt loop of your black tuxedo pants. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for a casino. When someone says "Steve Wynn", casino employees are trained to face the Strip, hit their knees, kneel, and say "Praise Steve" three times. (Ha ha!)

9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Blvd, Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Desert Inn is Lamb Blvd, Spring Mountain/Sands/Twain are all the same street. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

9A. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE "parallel" streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of Green Valley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs ask your middle school Geometry teacher to try to explain it.

9B. Rainbow Blvd. has THREE exits from the 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead "Drive" and a Lake Mead "Boulevard" and both run east/west but are 30miles apart. You have to be specific when you say "the corner of Lake Mead and.......". Again this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month.

9C. Many major roads just end abruptly at a house/Home Depot/Casino/McCarran International Airport Runways and start again after the interruption, that was done to encourage you to "see the sights" and meet new people. Just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend.

11. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it.

12. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie "Top Gun".

4 comments:

Nicole said...

LOL how funny. Glad I have you to drive my ass around!!!!

musing said...

You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue.

Hahaha. Dat's funny. :)

Linda Lou said...

I love, love, LOVE the fact that you say "fuck." You are so my kind of girl!

Deborah said...

OMG! I think I peed myself...YOU are hysterical! Keep it coming, please!

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