So all you perverts out there are really going to get your kicks off with this blog. And that goes for my close girlfriends, too- you know you guys are perverts!
My hubby and I packed up the kids and went down to Planet Hollywood for a little local shopping. See in Vegas, we don't really have any good malls. So when I want to SHOP, I go to the strip. I had a Victoria's Secret gift card burning a big hole in my pocket since my surgery a month ago, and I wanted to get something lacy and expensive. My amazing gal-pals here in town got the gift card for me as a congratulatory gift.
See, I told you they were perverts.
So the fam and I hit up Victoria's Secret. I was just innocently browsing, with my husband pushing the stroller with both kids in it behind me. I knew my husband didn't want to stay the whole time while I tried on everything in the store (and I almost did), but I knew he at least wanted to get a peak of what the store had to offer. So I'm walking through, liking what I see, and I hear the husband mumble something.
Husband- "I have to get out of here."
Me- "What are you talking about? Do you need to pee?"
Me- "Well what then...?"
I'm really stumped. My brain is going here....is he uncomfortable? No, that's not like him. Is he feeling sick? Going to throw up? No. Does he see an ex-girlfriend or someone he knows? No.
Husband- "I'm getting a (please insert appropriate word here)." And he very discretely points to his shorts.
While I eye him eyeing the half-naked mannequin, I ask
Me- "Are you kidding?"
Me- "Okay go!"
Part of me says that I should be alarmed that my 37 year old husband is getting excited over a plastic woman- she does have a better body that me, after all. That bitch.
But the smart part of me knows that his excitement is for me. Let me show you what I mean....
So I put this hot little outfit together all by myself. Amazing, I know! I've really been into pink, lately. And the undies are sparkly! I've never had sparkly underwear before.
They have these cute little beads on the waistband. I think that was a nice touch. Beads on underwear are important.
And here's the pretty lace on the bra.
Sparkles! I'm guessing I cant actually wear these with clothes...but who cares. They're cute! I'll just walk around in my underwear all day.
Husband took the kids and left me alone in the store to bask over the bras and underwear. I tried a ton of stuff on, some cute, some not so cute. I swear those Victoria's Secret people have their fitting room lights DOWN! They are fabulous. The back of my thighs looked better under those lights than they've looked in 6 years. I want to live under those lights. The world would be a better place... with less cellulite.
So after I was finished, the husband and kids happened to be returning from their walk. I hear Jack laughing hysterically, and then I hear a noise that sounds like a huge fart. Yes, a fart. A big, loud, juicy fart. Jack laughs again. People are staring. I stand there, like a deer in headlights, hoping those sounds aren't coming towards me.
"No, that's not my fart...I mean child!"
Turns out my wonderful husband bought Jack a fart toy while I shopped, and they brought it back to Victoria's Secret to show me. Awww, how SWEET! (Sarcasm!) The farting (and giggling... and stares) continued through my checkout. The husband even looked back to the other (horrified) women in line and said something like-
"We don't get off the farm much"...meaning the funny farm.
We apparently don't. So yea, that was us. The family who farts (a lot) in the lingerie store. This is just another day for us!
But at least I got some cute stuff!
More b.s. (and the first word is bird)
1 day ago