Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Implant Diaries, Chapter 1

Okay, I'm going to attempt to blog a bit today about my surgery day (because I know you're all dying to know....sarcasm there!). The whole experience will have to be written in parts, because my kids don't allow me to be at the computer for longer than a few minutes at a time.

(See I just had to get up and go crack the whip...but I'm back)

I've decided to write in chapters, so if you ever miss one of the posts you can easily find it. I am so completely full of myself, aren't I?

Deep we go......

Thursday morning my surgery was scheduled for 8am. They asked me to be there and hour early for prep. Which meant that I had to get up at 5am (eww), not eat or drink anything- which meant NO coffee (double eww), and then sit naked on a prep table while a bunch of strangers poked and prodded me. Sounds like a good time, right? The nurse that helped me dress (and undress) even said this to me- and I quote:

"Okay, you need to go wee-wee in this cup so we know you're not pregnant, okay?"

Wee-wee? What am I, five? Where did you come from? The pediatric's wing? So I did what I was told and went wee-wee in the cup for her. I even got a sucker when I was finished.....kidding kidding.

Back to laying naked on the prep table. I did have a few "warm" blankets on me. And they did give good footed socks. Something you don't know about me- I can NOT relax when my feet are cold. I cant sleep with cold feet, either. If my feet are cold, I will lay awake the entire night. Seriously. But once my feet warm up, I'll fall asleep right away. Not sure where that came from but, it's the way I work.

(I just wanted to let you know I've had to get up from the computer 2 more times to deal with the kids since I started writing this. It's amazing I can keep one train of thought...)

So I'm laying on the prep table, IV in place, socks on, waiting for someone to roll me into the OR. Then a very tall, super-good looking, plain clothed man strolls into my cube.

Him- "How you doin?"
Me- "uhhh......ummmm.....eerrrrrr...............fine?"
Him- "My name is (don't remember his name) and I'm your anesthesiologist."
Me- "Okay. So you're the man with the drugs?" (Slapping myself for saying something so stupid. I'm sure he's NEVER heard that one before. Nice job, Tasha.)
Him- "Huhuhhuh" (that's a half-assed laugh BTW)

My realization: This guy is going to see me naked in a few minutes! Eeek! I don't know about you, but it's worse to have a good looking person see you naked than it is to have a not so good looking person see you naked. Like my surgeon, he isn't the prettiest man, so I could care less how he sees me. But when Dr. McSteamy walks in, it makes things a little uncomfortable!

I immediately get rolled into the operating room after meeting McSteamy, and don't remember much after that except that I had to scoot from one bed to another.

The next thing I knew, I was in a chair, DRESSED, and eating crackers and drinking apple juice out of a little can. What?? What the hell just happened? The nurse told me I had even tried to help her put my pants on. I did? Since I was naked before, I can only imagine the crotch shots she probably got while trying to dress me. Sweet.

I felt pretty good and drugged. Tired. I remember smelling the ace bandage that was wrapped inhumanly tight around my breasts. I remember smelling the iodine that they used, and I had little crusty spots of it on my arms. I hate the smell of iodine/betadine. I took a pain pill (thanks Heather!), and my girlfriend arrived to drive me home. I don't remember what we talked about....only that I started feeling sick in the car on the way home. Little did I know that that was only the beginning of the nausea....

I was just glad to have the surgery part over with. I hopped into bed when I got home and slept the rest of the day. I don't think I've spent so much time in bed since I gave birth two years ago. I took another pain pill a few hours after I got home, and promptly puked. Then two hours later I puked again. It wasn't just a little either. It was heaving, loud, can-hardly-catch-my-breath-in-between puking. I remember thinking "I bet this is GREAT for my stitches...".

Turns out I was having a reaction the the pain meds. Dammit...I was really looking forward to taking those, too! I hear they're fun. Anyway, I made an executive decision and stopped taking them. I went the whole first night without pain meds. Oww! But I felt sooooo much better not puking my guts out all night. Pain is easier than nausea. Is that weird of me? Probably.

By the next morning, I was hurting but relieved my stomach had recovered. I was able to eat and drink and I actually got out of bed and came downstairs briefly. Very briefly.

Click here to read The Implant Diaries, Chapter 2.


Big Red said...

We want pictures!!!! That sure was a nice person to drive you home. :)

Tammy said...

oh, how that brings back memories! You are too funny..looking forward to chapter 2! Hope you are recovering quickly!

Gina said...

You said: Pain is easier than nausea. Is that weird of me? Probably.

If it's weird, then count me weird, too. I did my 4th c-section and a tubal on Motrin...just to keep from puking. Though once my milk came in and the kick ass afterbirth pains started, I had to take a half-dose of Percocet and I just prayed I didn't puke.

Anonymous said...

I had to laugh at the nurse. There has to be some humor in there, somewhere, doesn't there? I'm glad everything went so well.

ohAmanda said...

I love it! You make surgery sound fascinating! I'm lol at Dr. McSteamy!

Anonymous said...

Oh Tatas... (you know that's your new name now, right?)... that line about crotch shots made me ROAR with laughter. I scared the mess out of the kid howling so loud. hahahahaha! Funny how those drugs can have you functional and you don't remember diddly!

Anonymous said...

Good to know these things, since I plan to have the Phantom of the Opera, otherwise known as my stretch-mark covered stomach, lopped off as soon as I can scrape together the money for a tummy tuck. Thanks!

tashabud said...

Hi Tasha,
You're a brave soul. I see what you mean about the "Weewee" thing. So funny. As I read your post, I was feeling your pain what you were feeling. Good writing.

I almost puked in my hubby's car also after my surgery.


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