Let's talk porn for a moment...

Ahh, that got your attention, didn't it?

Did anyone see Jenna Jameson on Oprah the other day? Jenna Jameson - you know, the biggest porn star in the entire world? She even has a mommy blog now....which I think is totally hilarious and bizarre, but whatevs.

So anyway, I was watching Jenna on Oprah....and can I just say.....what the hell happened to her face?

I'm definitely not a lesbian, but I can appreciate a sexy woman. Just ask my husband. Jenna ain't the world's biggest porn star for nothin. She can rock a porn scene like no other woman can. I also have much respect for her because she (and her vagina) built an entire empire all by themselves. How many other vaginas can you say that have done that?

Jenna used to be curvy and pretty. Now she looks like a spray-tan, too-much-plastic-surgery nightmare from the planet silicone. Seriously, Jenna babe, lay of the lip implants, the eye lift and the weight loss!

The sad part is, she's only 35. So it's likely that her face will only get worse. Girl needs some serious grounding from the plastic surgeon's office. Take a breather, switch to anti-wrinkle cream instead and for the love of god....eat something.

Just to give you all an idea of what I'm talking about....

Before.....

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After....

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To see her actual interview on Oprah, click here.

Speidi vs. The Insider Panel

It's the little things that entertain me these days. I HATE Spencer and Heidi with a passion - Spencer reminds me of my ex, and that alone is enough to make me want to vomit, but throw dingbat Heidi into it and it's a perfect union of jackass and stupid.

Watch the trainwreck as they're interviewed by a bunch of know-it-all panel (including Star Jones who, in my opinion, has NO place to advise Speidi on marriage since she herself was married for a whole....60 days or so!?). I hate Speidi, but the Insider panel was even more annoying....and that's hard to do!

It gets REALLY good at about the three minute mark.

Enjoy the freak show!

Words.....Words.....Words......

I blame my crappy vocabulary on 1- my pregnancies and losing brain cells, 2- lack of sleep for the last 6 years, 3- talking to little people all day that use words like "poop" and "booger", and too many martinis in the last few years.

Yea, so...it's my fault. I did all of those things to myself. I got pregnant- willingly. I had babies- again, willingly. I taught those babies those "poop" and "booger" words. And as a former bartender, I mix my own drinks...strong. So I can blame no one but myself.

Still.

I think I used to have a really, totally awesome vocabulary.

My mom is a technical writer and is extremely cerebral. I grew up hearing very proper English and pronunciation. I was always corrected if I spoke incorrectly, and I'm grateful for that.

So when I left the house at barely 18, I felt pretty confident when speaking to others, particularly other (more word-experienced) adults.

Then I got pregnant and something happened. It was like I lost all memory of words longer than four letters. I'd be having a conversation and forget the word "mountain." It'd be like "Oh honey...look at the.....well, you know.....the.....the big rock thingie over there.....what's it called?"

Hubby- "Mountain?"

"Oh yea!" I'd yell. "Mountain!"

It only got worse as time went by. We moved to Las Vegas and the summer heat would turn my tongue-o into jell-o. Something about being unbelievably hot does things to my brain - it starts to shut down because it hates that I put it in 110+ degree weather.

More time went by, my kids started talking and, instead of talking politics with my bar regulars as I had done before kids, I was saying "boo boo bah bah!" during afternoons of mashed peas and sippie cups.

Not a bad thing, but it kind of sucked. The husband would come home from work and ask how my day was, and I'd answer "Little Jackie went poo poo and Ava oobie woobie doobie!" The hubs wouldn't snicker at me or give me looks of horror, bless his heart, but I think we both missed the grown-up, big-word conversations (preferably with lots of swear words mixed in).

Now days, since my kids are a bit older, I'm trying to get those big, "college words" back. I'll use them when talking to my 6-year-old - just for the hell of it. Like

"Jack, did you know there will be huge repercussions in democratic demographics now that Senator Kennedy has passed away?"

or

"Typically I promote gender equality and believe that gay marriage is a continued, positive progression of our often unrealistic society."

Jack usually doesn't mind. He just nods.

I hope that someday, I'll have my college words back and I can mingle with the big kids again. I'm working on it.

Chick Music

With my life changing so drastically, so quickly, I've turned to something that has comforted me my entire life: Music.

My new favorite song: Where I Stood by Missy Higgins.

I came across this song by accident a few weeks ago and I instantly loved it. I plan to find out more about this artist and her music but, until then, I'm just enjoying the "newness" of her voice. It's a sad song, but there's some great therapy in listening to slow, meaningful songs.

Missy Higgins is a perfect mix between Fionna Apple, Melissa Ethridge and Sarah McLaughlin.

Check it out by clicking the link above, and here's the lyrics to read along...

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

The Vegas Housewife is Moving....

...to Philadelphia.

Can I get a big "HOLY SHIT?!" from everyone?

Yep, the "Vegas" Housewife will be no more. *Sniff* My family and I will be moving to the Philly burbs to create a new life....full of cheese steak and soft pretzels.

Let me tell ya - it's been one hell of a month.

Philly Housewife? Nah, too boring. I am so not into boring. So obviously, The Housewife Diaries will be changing. Hopefully not too much, and I hope I don't lose all you Vegas-lovers....

I've never even been to Philly....well, I was there for 2 days, but that hardly counts. Moving my family across the country is a huge deal. I'm sure I will have plenty of shit to write about. I ain't 100% happy about the move, but the hubby, bless his heart, has been offered a HUGE job. I'm very proud of him and, being the good housewife that I am, agreed to pack up and move.

So put your seat belts on, because shit is going to hit the fan on The Housewife Diaries. I'm not sure what the shit is yet, but never fear - I'll keep you posted.

Anyone in Philly need a food writer...?

You Know You Live in Las Vegas When...

If you like this, check out my other "YKYLILV" posts on the left side bar!

Deep breath....here we go!

You know you live in Las Vegas when....

-Your three-year-old daughter tells you her Barbies are going to the casino. (yikes!)

-Your "end of the summer" party is in late October.

-Your staycations are just as good as your vacations.

-The Vegas specials on the Travel Channel bore you. *yawn*

-Your out-of-town buddies call you from the strip at 10pm wanting to go out....on a Tuesday.

-Seeing Elvis around town is no biggie.

-Taking the kids out on a Friday night means dinner at MGM and then onto the M&Ms store for dessert.

That's it for now! Have a fabulous weekend!

Conversations with DH

If you want to check out some of the other conversations I've had with my family, go here to my Conversations with.... page. I just went and re-read them and they still crack me up! Hopefully they will you, too!

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By the way, DH stands for "dear husband" in computer talk.

DH just got back from being out of town for a few days, and before that I was deathly ill with the Swine Flu. With all of that going on, we went two weeks without nookie (a record for us, methinks - part of a housewife's job is putting out regularly, right ladies? ).

Background: DH gets home from the airport at 9pm. I'm half asleep in bed already (because taking care of two little kids by yourself for two days is freakin exhausting). I sleepily give him a "welcome back" hug and a kiss and then conk out for the night.

The next day DH jokingly says...

DH: I was expecting to come home with you in some lingerie and like a margarita in your hand ready to go...(since we hadn't done the deed in forever).

Me: Oh yea? Hym. Welp, sorry bout that.

Later in the day....during another conversation........

DH: I was expecting you to welcome me home with some lingerie and a margarita in your hand....like "hello dear...let's get it on"....

Me: Why do you keep saying that? Are you being serious?

DH: No! I'm just joking! Geez....

Me: Well you keep bringing it up. This is the third time today. That means you're serious and you're just pretending to be joking.

DH: Ummmm, no...I swear I was joking.

Uh huh.

Me: I don't even drink margaritas.

DH: I know.

Me: How about totally naked and a beer instead? For next time. That's more my speed.

DH: Sounds good.

Marriage is all about compromise, right?

He's a Bit of a Close Talker...

Do you remember the Seinfeld episode with the guy who would talk two inches from some one's face? (I'm laughing just thinking about the scene...) Jerry called him a "close talker". If you haven't seen it, watch it here on youtube for some giggles. (watch for Kramer's part!)

So my husband and I have come up with our own names for other annoying things that people do. We try to be sneaky about it so we can talk about them right in front of them....and they have no idea. Makes it more fun. (cackle!) I'm such a bitch, I know.

-An "LT" or a loud talker. You know those people, god bless 'em, who cant hear worth a shit and so they talk really loud? The funniest is when we're in a restaurant, trying to enjoy our meal in peace, and we're sitting behind an LT. Um, sorry but, if I wanted to hear someone else's convo I'd sit at their table. Yes, I'll have an order of earplugs and a diet Coke. Thanks!

These LTs usually also fall into the category of people who have to watch TV with the volume on 100. Damn I hate people who have to watch TV so freakin loud! My mother is one of these people - I am half deaf after watching a show with her. The funny thing is, she can hear pretty well, at least when she wants to. But don't try to sleep in my house if my mom is watching TV. Because you wont be able to - the walls will be vibrating from all the noise.

-An AWB. This stands for an "ass-whoopin breath". I have a thing about people breathing on me. I have to restrain my insanity when a person is standing SO close to me that I can feel their breath on me. Yuck. And it makes it even worse if it's bad breath.....or ASS-whoopin breath.

-An SB. Then there's the people that have sweaty balls hands. Clammy, wet and warm. Sexy.

Speaking of hands, that bring us to the PS, or the "pussy-shaker". What does this mean? Ladies, when you're shaking some one's hand, don't give the other person a jello hand, three-fingered half-assed shake. You are a pussy shaker, and your hand shake is not worth a shit. Grab that hand like you mean it and squeeze. If you can give a hand job, then for fuck's sake you can shake hands with some gusto, too.

An LH. Ever embraced with a "Long Hugger"? I go in for a hug, squeeze for a moment, and then let go ready to step back....but the other person is still gripping me tightly. So I don't want to be rude so I awkwardly hold back on again....and wait. Long Huggers are okay sometimes, but mostly there's only a few people that I enjoy squishing my big, fake boobs into for longer than a second. Maybe I'm a hug-and-runner?

So let's review, shall we?

-LT = Loud Talker
-AWB = Ass-Whoopin Breath
-SB = Sweaty Balls
-PS = Pussy Shaker
-LH = Long Hugger

So do you have your own Seinfeld abbreviations? Let's hear them!

I'm back! Did ya miss me?

Hi! Gosh I feel like I haven't been in here in over week!

Wait a minute...I haven't.

Oh yea, that's right. I've been horribly sick with SWINE FLU! Yep, The Housewife caught H1N1. How did I get it? Hell if I know. My kids got sick, but not nearly as badly as I did. The hubs didn't get sick at all - but then he never gets sick. Life is so unfair! Why does mom get the worst flu of them all?
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Anyway, it was the most painful flu I have ever had. Like, ever. My fever lasted for three straight days. The rest - aches, pains, chills, sore throat, pounding headache, throwing up, no appetite - is still going on. I'm on day eight and I'm still not 100%. I'm feeling better but geez, this is a long, bastard of a bug! The best part about being sick? I lost SEVEN pounds.

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Seven.

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That's freakin better than Weight Watchers, boys and girls!
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Great timing - my sister-in-law, Tiffany, and her son came for a visit last week (she bought her plane ticket months before, so this was no one but the Swine Flu's fault). I mostly tried to stay alive and spent a lot of time in bed, while she cleaned my house and played with the kids. Seriously. I feel terrible about what a crappy visit she must have had, but I'm very grateful to have had her here. The highlight of her visit was the hubby and I took her and the kids to Rainforest Cafe in the MGM for dinner and then to the M&Ms store for dessert.

We had a blast, but there's a really fucking funny story that goes along with our outing. Would you expect anything less from me and my family? Come on, now!


So it's 5pm on Friday night. The hubs, Tiffany, the three kiddos and I are walking through the MGM on our way to Rainforest Cafe. Right in front of the card tables, a very drunk, 21-year-old-looking douche bag dude is walking towards us (almost in our walking path) and says to us....

"Kids....why do people bring kids to Las Vegas?"

His drunk buddy laughs uncomfortably. Right after he says this, he is in the husband's reach. Rut roh! The husband reaches out and gently shoves this dude's shoulder. Mind you - the husband has our 3-year-old daughter on his shoulders.

It's 5pm and my husband just pushed some drunk dude. Sweet.

I'm amazed - this dude didn't even react the the shove! He keeps walking....and at that moment walks right next to me. Maybe it was my Swine-Flu induced craziness but I sternly looked straight into his bleary, red eyes and said....

"WE LIVE HERE, ASSHOLE."

Oh....my....god. Did I seriously just say that? To a drunk dude? With my kids watching? And my sister-in-law and nephew watching? Nice, Tasha. Real nice job.

Amazingly, this pissed him off. Heehee.

He shouts back "Alriiiiiighttttttt, you fuckin bitch!"

By now, people at the card table were looking around at who was shouting. The husband hears him call me a bitch, turns around and starts after him with a look of pure "I'm going to kill that guy!" I get in front of the husband and tell him no, just keep walking.

My heart was pounding, and call me a sicko but, the first thing that popped into my head was "gee, he called me a fuckin bitch"! I could think of worse things I could have been called:

-FAT bitch
-STUPID bitch
-UGLY bitch

Any of those would have hurt my feelers, but somehow "fuckin" bitch kind of made me giggle. I'm just glad he didn't punch me in the face instead. Then I started thinking more about this drunk douche.

It was ONLY 5pm....and he was already sloshed?

Rookie.

Learn how to hold your booz and maybe one day you can play with the big kids. (This is where I roll my eyes) Obviously, I could have kicked his ass - even with my Swine Flu - and I could drink him under the table. I'm not "The Vegas Housewife" for nothing, bitches.

Anyway.....

Never a dull moment when my family goes out. We ended up having a perfectly lovely dinner and M&Ms for dessert.

Daym, I hate The Strip on Friday nights.

The 9 Ways To Treat A Woman

I Suck

Okay, I know.....I suck.

I've been a total fucking slacker.

Dont hate, people!

The Housewife has been busy taking care of sick kids and dealing with a busy life. But some things are letting up now...so I will be getting back to my old self very soon.

Promise!

I still have my trip to Brazil to share with you (and oh boy, it's good), my Signature Chefs update and a couple other things I'm working on.

Patience and cooperation, remember?

Yeah, I didnt think so. Anyway! I'll be back full steam...soon.

Funny Friday - talking animals

March of Dimes Signature Chefs '09 - Preview!

My feet and my head are still recovering from last night's festivities at March of Dimes Signature Chefs of Las Vegas, but I wanted to give you the first look at what an incredible party it was. The theme was "Hot Latin Nights" and boy, was it HOT! I had a fantastic time and, in my opinion, this year's was even better than last year's.

Stay tuned to The Housewife Diaries and my column at Living-Las-Vegas for all the details!

Must...Have....These.....Shoes!

You know how sometimes you see something you want, and then you...

cant...get...the...damn...thing...out...of....your....head?

Sequined shoes. The are a new fall trend and I LOVE it. Perfect pair of shoes for a Las Vegas local, don't you think? They'd also look great at a wedding, with a little black cocktail dress, or a club outfit...

I could go on.

But I wont.

The only thing that I dont like about shoe shopping is the size of my feet. I wear a size 10 or 11, and most shoes aren't even available in a size 11. Sad, right? On the bright side, if I were a guy I'd have a huge penis.

Anyway...

Swear Jar

I'll never get tired of this commercial.

Living-Las-Vegas: A Couple of New Posts To Share!

I have a few new articles to share from Living-Las-Vegas.com. Comments are encouraged! Thanks for your continued support.

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The Battle Of The Bulge

(Note: if you look at the thumbnail picture for this story here, yes, that really is MY fat. I had the husband take this picture- he thought I was crazy for putting myself out there like this but hell, it's true so why not?)

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March of Dimes Signature Chefs

(OMG you guys! This year's Signature Chefs is THIS Saturday! I'm so excited! Stay tuned for all the foodie and gossip deets with LOTS of pictures.)

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My Saving Grace: A Mommy Playgroup

(Ever joined a playgroup? I think every mother should!)

Traveling With Pomegranates - the winner!

Thanks to everyone for your support. I had 25 entries total! Two winners were randomly chosen thanks to Annabet.com.

And the winners are.....

Bekki and Kristy!

Congratulations!

Please email me at Tasha@thehousewifediaries.com to collect your prize!

For everyone else...don't get discouraged! I still have lots of book goodies to give away! Stay tuned for another novel giveaway next week - you wont be wont be sorry!

And the winner is...

Stay tuned for the winners of my book giveaway, Traveling With Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd! I'll be posting the winners a just a few minutes!

Bad Spellers? Join My Neighborhood Watch!

My neighborhood has recently implemented a neighborhood watch program. While I think this is a great idea, the meetings turn into huge bitch fests and I quit going because I hear enough complaining at home from my kids.

Um, sorry but, I don't need to hear from the grouchy old lady who gets pissed off because kids are playing baseball in the park behind her house and one of them "might" hit a ball through her window.

Shut your pie hole, woman. You moved into that house knowing the freakin park was there. Park = kids. Kids = baseball. DUH.

So this same woman also leads the meetings and passes out reminder flyers to our doors. Nice gesture but, this is the newest note word-for-word.

And I quote...

NEIGHBOEHOOD WATCH MEETING

Where: In Da Park

When: Wednesday

PLEAS COME OUT TO DA MEETING.

BRING A CHAIR


I'd typically think this was just a misprint, but I've spoken to this woman and she really does say "neigh-bo-hood". And when did "the" turn into "da"? Nice.

Uh huh.

I'll be there....NOT.

Book Giveaway! Traveling with Pomegranates

CONTEST HAS ENDED.

Stay tuned for more book giveaways in the next few weeks! Thanks for your support!


Traveling with Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees) and Ann Kidd Taylor has just been released, and to celebrate, I'm giving away a copy of the book to TWO of my readers!

In this intimate dual memoir, she and her daughter, Ann, offer distinct perspectives as a fifty-something and a twenty-something, each on a quest to redefine herself and to rediscover each other.

Between 1998 and 2000, Sue and Ann travel throughout Greece and France. Sue, coming to grips with aging, caught in a creative vacuum, longing to reconnect with her grown daughter, struggles to enlarge a vision of swarming bees into a novel. Ann, just graduated from college, heartbroken and benumbed by the classic question about what to do with her life, grapples with a painful depression. As this modern-day Demeter and Persephone chronicle the richly symbolic and personal meaning of an array of inspiring figures and sites, they also each give voice to that most protean of connections: the bond of mother and daughter.

This is a book that every daughter, every mother and every woman will identify with. It's a story of true relationships and love. I adore this book. I'm passing on my copy to my mom the next time I see her!

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment.

For a second entry, Tweet this blog post.

For a third entry, follow The Housewife.

If you're already a follower, blog about this giveaway.

Make sure to leave a comment with a valid email (or contact link) for each entry. Giveaway ends Saturday, September 26th. Two winners will be randomly chosen and receive a book directly from the publisher.

Thanks for your continued support and GOOD LUCK!