Deep Thoughts

Yesterday, I was working on the computer as usual, and I kept hearing this music....music kept playing...I think I recognize that song? Hym, maybe the neighbors are playing it? I do have the window open.

An hour goes by....

Daym, there it is again! Are the kids listening to something in the other room? (getting up to check) No....

Oh shit.

I have Pandora playing on my computer and I forgot I'd opened it. Nice, Tasha. Real smart. I'm too dumb to realize when I'm playing music on my own effing computer.

Yes, this really happened.

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The kids are upstairs right now, and they sound like they're killing each other:

Bump! Screaming. Some crying. One of them saying "Sorry! I'm sorry! Dont tell mom!"

Another bump. Some running across the floor above me. Door slams. More screaming. More running. More thumping. More screaming.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Do I care what they're doing?

Nope.

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My girlfriend (aka one of the Wolf Pack's founding members) and her husband are going on the surprise birthday cruise extravaganza with The Hubs and me later this month. I was on the phone with her last night and we were chatting about the trip, the food, the activities we wanted to do and the rooms we had booked.

Did I mention I booked a Penthouse Grand Suite? Heehee.

Anyway, so we're discussing the fancy rooms, and the fanciest room on the boat - the "owner's suite" got brought up. We were looking at pictures of it, and my girlfriend tells me she had showed her husband this room, hoping he'd want the upgrade. The suite was lovely; plants, marble, lots of space, views from both side of the ship....

You know what her husband's only comment was about the Owner's Suite pictures?

"Honey, did you see that they have mirrors on the ceiling over the bed??!!"

Men, I tell ya. We're taking an incredible vacation, and they have only one thing on their mind. Uh huh. Gotta love the husbands.

She didn't convince her husband to upgrade, but I can guess what they'll be doin when we get on the boat. (Cue porn music...) Being the awesome wives that we are, we plan to get Brazilians (for the second time) right before the trip.

It's ok, Hubs...you can thank me later...

Happy 40th Birthday, Husband!

Today my amazing husband turns 40 years young. I surprised him on Saturday night with a little something....

Ok it was a BIG something - a cruise to Key West and the Bahamas! We get five days of kid-free, adult vacation bliss. Ahhhhhhh! Thanks to everyone for keeping the secret for me...I've been planning this surprise for over a year. It's been tough!

Here's the video of the big reveal (by the way, am I the only person who HATES hearing her own voice on video? I sound like a complete moron).

Happy birthday, babe! Here's to another 40 years!

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Back to School - Time to Party!

So am I the only one who does a little happy dance on the first day of school? Although I've enjoyed spending my summer with my son, I am overjoyed to send him back to class for eight glorious hours, five days a week. Yesssssssss.

I've heard lots of girlfriends talking about how they're disappointed the summer is over, and about how sad it will be when their kiddos return to school...

Are you kidding me?

I must really be a bad mom - I'm not sad at all. And, in fact, I'm pretty freakin happy about it.

Jack's at school again! Let the party begin! It's almost Fall! Football! Hot Wings! Crisp, fragrant mornings! Quiet afternoons! Schedules! All of that sounds good to me.

Here are a few more back-to-school thoughts I've had lately:

- The bus stop changed locations. Good thing my neighbor told me this, because if not, Jack and I would have been standing at the old stop...picking our noses....wondering where the hell the bus was. Yep, I'm a responsible mom. I dont check bus schedules, I just rely on my (even more responsible) neighbor to tell me this shit.

-Dear God, I hope that snotty, stupid brat of a girl is NOT in Jack's class this year. Is it bad that I call an eight-year-old girl a snotty, stupid brat? Well... she is. Good thing her mother doesn't read my blog! Yuk yuk yuk!

-Why do kids around here say they hate school? It seriously bugs me. You're eight. You're in second grade. Your school shit hasn't even hit the fan yet. That'll happen around 8th grade. Right now you should like school. Get excited. Have fun. Freakin enjoy yourself. You get to color and read books...how bad can it be? Seriously. I'm grateful that my boy loves school. I'm going to do my best to keep it that way.

-Is it bad to consider a martini at noon? I'm mean, just to celebrate my back-to-school aloneness...is that a word? Chocolate cake is in order, too. Anyone want to come over and celebrate with me?

-Thank God I will not have to feed the kids three times a day, every...single...day anymore. Ugh! It gets so old trying to figure out what to fix, fix it, and then hear lots of bitching "mommmm, I didn't want this for lunch!" Just shut the eff up and eat it. There are starving kids in China! Now, Jack gets to eat and school and he can complain all he wants to his friends instead.

Back to school starts Monday. Thank you, God. Amen.

The Hubs Turns 40

The Hubs turns 40 years young a week from today. I'm very excited for him - I think his 40s are going to be amazing. Our years together just keep getting better. The day after his birthday he and I will celebrate TEN years together.

Feels like only yesterday he was calling me, asking me out for coffee.

We were friends for two years before that first date, so I had been waiting a LONG time for that call. Thank God he came around and decided to ask me out. The rest is history...

I have some fun surprises in store for him this weekend. If you're a close friend or family member, you already know what I have up my sleeve. Tee hee! Stay tuned - I'll fill you in on all the deets next week. And trust me, you're gonna love it. A Brazilian Wax and chocolate cake is a teensy clue...

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

This week's music has a theme....drum roll, please.....

Hippie music!

I love me some hippie music. Whenever I'm having a bad day, an argument with someone, or my kids are driving me to the brink of insanity (which is pretty much every day), I'll just put on a bit of hippie music on and all is right in the world again.

Here are a few of my favorites. Bust out the doobies and wildflowers and enjoy. Do you have a song to add? Let's hear it! Don't worry, I wont tell anyone...

Time Of The Season by The Zombies




California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas

Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Black Water by The Doobie Brothers

Touch of Grey by Grateful Dead (OMG, remember this video!? Loves it!)

Police Officer's Funeral

I happen to drive by this extraordinary display this morning and wanted to share. My picture doesn't nearly do it justice. I considered getting closer for better pictures but, I didn't want to be disrespectful. I have never seen an American Flag as big as this one!

After a little investigating, I learned that this was a funeral for a local police detective, Ward Thomas. He was only 44.

I think Detective Thomas would have been proud of how his fellow officers and fire fighters showed their respect. He was obviously a very important member of the force.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I hold a special place in my heart for police officers. I almost became one myself (if you can believe that) and have a couple close friends that are cops. It's tough to hear when an officer was lost too soon.

My Colorado Family Reunion

I just returned from a Colorado family reunion / 60th birthday celebration for my mom. We stayed at a 100-year-old hotel in a small mountain town about 3 hours from Denver. The town hosts a natural hot springs pool, and we soaked our bodies in its sulfur waters for two whole days. It was a fabulous trip - if you've never smelled the air inside the Colorado Rockies, you should add it to your bucket list. There's nothing like the smell of millions of pine trees at 7,000 feet. I wish we could have stayed longer. *sigh* I feel like a very lucky girl to be able to call Colorado my home state.

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Here's a few pictures from my trip:

Glenwood Springs pool - this water comes directly from underneath the ground, naturally warmed by the Earth. It's like swimming in a big bathtub!

Here is my son, Jack (see the little guy in the back?), and The Hubs (next to him) rafting on the Colorado River. You can see from their faces that they had a blast, but I was a little hesitant to allow Jack to go at all. And, after seeing what kind of rapids they went through, I'm glad I didn't know how big they'd be beforehand because I would have said NO way. At least Jack has a lifejacket on but...still. No seatbelt to keep him in the raft? Couldn't we have super-glued his ass to the seat or something? Jack could have flown right into the river!

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But a mom has to let go sometimes, right?

Here's Jack and Ava plugging their noses from the stinky smell of sulfur coming out of the water behind them. If you've never smelled sulfur water - it smells like rotten eggs. This water came up to the surface from under our feet and was boiling like a big pot of spaghetti. Such a cute picture!

It was nice to hang out with my baby brother for a few days. Funny how we still tease each other for the crazy things we did as kids. My brother loves to remind me about how I told him once that he'd die if he swallowed his gum (I think I was ten and he was three?)...or the time I had to get a raisin out of his nose with a toothpick because it had gotten stuck up there. Good times.

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On our last night there, we all had dinner together (16 of us!) and I surprised my mom with a big, chocolate birthday cake. It's not every day that your mom turns 60! It was a weekend that will stay in my memories for many years to come.

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I think the reuinion and birthday party were a success; no one killed each other, got arrested or injured and everyone had a good time. And for those who know my family, that's pretty damn good. Who could ask for more?

Suck It Monday

Ok, ok, so I'm one day late. So sue me! Let's make it Suck It Monday instead.

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I wanted to show you an email correspondence I recently had with my son's little league volunteer leader dude. Keep in mind, he was not the coach of my kid's team. I have never met him before. He's in charge of the mass emails going out to the entire league.

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Here's the scoop - my son is six. He played a short season of maybe eight games? After his season ended, the older teams continued their games (for playoffs I'm assuming). Well, even after my boy, Jack, stopped playing, we continued to get email after email about the leagues games, rain outs, final scores....blah blah blah.

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And it wasn't just one or two emails, either. Over the period of one month, I received 20 emails about games and teams I didn't know and, frankly, could give a crap about. I receive and deal with hundreds of emails every day through work, I don't need any more that I don't read, right?
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Soooooo, I replied to one of the numerous emails that the mass-emailer baseball dude sent out. Here's how it went (and truly, this is word for word)....

Me: Hi,

Please remove me from your mailing list. XXXXX@gmail.com

Thank you,

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Baseball Dude: Your child played for us in 2010, correct?

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Me: Yes, he played for a short season, but he is only six and his season has been over for a few weeks.

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Baseball Dude: If you played for us in 2010, you’re on our email list

We purge the list at the end of 2010.

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Me: You're telling me you can't just remove my email address now? I receive over 100 emails a day for my business. I really do not need any more from this league or who is playing where and when - especially since my son doesn't even play anymore. In the past four weeks (since my son's season ended), I have received 20 emails from you.

I would really appreciate if you'd remove me from the list today.

Thank you.

(Ok, I admit this was a little bitchy, but they guy pretty much refused to remove me on the first request...I should have taken that as a hint of what was to come...)

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Baseball Dude: I am not asking for anything in return by sending the emails, most are strictly informational

I receive close to 400 emails on an avg day and have never asked to be removed from an email list, especially from one of my children’s non-profit athletic league

Thanks for your support

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Let's pause here. Um wow. Now he's getting sarcastic? 'Thanks for my support?' How does he know what I put into this league? Does he know my husband helped coach the team? Or that I worked in the snack stand during my son's games?

Me: I mean no offense. I'm not sure why I have to justify (or made to feel guilty for) asking to be removed from an email list? What I didn't include in my last note was that you also have my husband's email, (which I did not asked to be removed, btw) where we can continue to collect information from.

Again, I'm sure you put lots of your time and effort into these emails, but I don't think that's any reason to be rude or disrespectful.

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Baseball Dude: Wasn’t being rude or disrespectful

We’re a volunteer organization , spread very thin

I’m not asking for money or any of your time, just for you to hit the ‘delete’ button if the emails bother you.. just like the other 450 families do in our league

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Ouch. Nice dig, dude. He certainly isn't going to win any trophies on his punctuation, is he?! This is where I email The Hubs and forward the crappy conversation I'm in the middle of. And of course, as I knew he would, The Hubs replies to Baseball Dude.

The Hubby: My wife forwarded this exchange and I have to jump in here.

First of all, it is irrelevant why we would ask you to remove us from your email list. We have the right to ask you to remove us from your DL and do not need to justify the reason for doing so.

Secondly, our son will continue to play baseball, whether it is in LGLL or another league. Again, immaterial.

As far as you being a non-profit; this is not something that is relevant. Your organization’s affiliation or status has nothing to do with the fact that we want to be removed from the email list!

About your emails being “strictly informational”. We are asking not to be informed of what is going on in the league when our son is not playing. He is 6. 6-year olds don’t participate in playoffs.

As far as your comment “I receive close to 400 emails on an avg day and have never asked to be removed from an email list, especially from one of my children’s non-profit athletic league.” Well --- (Baseball Dude), that is just a cheap shot and something I won’t stand for. I have a hard time believing that all 400 emails you receive each day are substantive and pertinent to your daily business and personal life. A large portion of that email volume has to be unnecessary and unwelcome content. To imply that, as parents, we are somehow neglecting our responsibility to our son and LGLL because we choose not to receive 5 emails a day from your non-profit league is ridiculous. Using your rationale, it would be perfectly acceptable to you if I signed up (insert baseball dude's email here) to receive unsolicited email from SOCIETY OF AMERICAN MAGICIANS MAGIC ENDOWMENT FUND, COLLIE RESCUE OF SOUTHEASTERN PA, and KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS, all non-profit organizations located in our county. I am certain that you would find their causes worthy, but not relevant to your daily life, just like we find your emails from little league.

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I admit, The Hubs email was a little long-winded but, daym, it sure was funny!

Baseball Dude's reply: You have the right to do whatever you want, including asking to be removed from our email list

My point was that I find it odd that you wouldn’t want to be included on our email list when you’re a member of our league

We’re not asking for anything in return , it’s mostly informational

I receive hundreds of unwanted emails a day, never asked to be removed. I hit the delete button
We’re working here for free for the community

If you find my responses objectionable , I’m sorry, this organization has a special place in my heart and I take it personally when someone sends me anything negative while at the same time we’re greatly short on volunteers.

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Let me get this straight, Baseball Dude. That means that you're offended that I asked to be removed from an email list? He's pulling the "volunteer" card, but he has no idea how much I've done - hello March of Dimes...The Red Cross....Share Our Strength? Those non-profits are all over my blog. And he's crying like a little baby because I hurt his wittle-bitty feelings?

And since he's offended, he gets to be a sarcastic butthole? OH YES! I get it now. I could I have been so thoughtless?

So, being the bored, sarcastic bitch that I am, I had to get my own two cents into that...

Me: Perhaps you should ask to be removed from all those unwanted email lists - then you might not be 'strung so thin' and would have more time to devote to your volunteer projects. I've found that organizing emails is much more effective than simply "hitting delete".

I don't appreciate your sarcasm or jabs at me being an unsopporting parent.

Thanks for the removal.

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And they grand finale is....

Baseball Dude's reply: Sorry Tasha , but asking to be removed from your child’s little league email list is very odd

If this was a usual occurrence, then I wouldnt have responded

Let’s not continue this , we did what you asked

Have a nice day

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What....the.....FUCKtard? It's odd? When my kid's not playing?

I didn't email him back. I was too furious. I don't even know this guy and he's essentially telling me what a crappy mother I am. Did I really go out of line by asking to be removed from a stupid list? You know how that would work? Go to email contacts...scroll, scroll, there it is! Hit delete.

Wow. That was hard!

This just goes to show that:

#1: East Coast people take their baseball VERY seriously.

#2: East Coast people are a-holes.

#3: Baseball Dude can suck it.

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I swear this ranks up there with the buttholes who took my Lexus for a joyride...

Can I get some westerners to come and visit - so they can pick flowers with me and sing kumbaya?

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

Some of my oldest music memories are of sitting in my room listening to this Journey album. I had the tape! I wanted to share my favorite song on the record with you. To me, Journey is not a band to be embarrassed about, but some of my girlfriends are, in fact, embarrassed to love their songs. Silly girls!

Some of the other tapes I remember listening to at the time were Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet (another embarrassing song choice!), Duran Duran and Michael Jackson's Thriller - I actually had the record....you know, that big, black, round floppy thing that you had to play with a little needle?

And so, this song is dedicated to all my girls out there...who still rock to Journey...when they're alone in the car...with the windows rolled up. :) Go ahead and sing along. I won't tell anyone!

"Send Her My Love" by Journey, circa 1983

Deep Thoughts

Do you have those days where you look at your body in the mirror and decide that you don't look too bad, and those thighs look pretty firm...

And then the very next day you look again and feel like a fat turd?

Today's one of those fat turd days for me.

How can we swing from one extreme to the other in just 24 hours? Why do my eyes trick me into thinking I might have actually lost a pound or two...until I go to try on my pants and...well, it's fat turd time! Tasha! Break it downnnn!

Or how can I bust my ass at Zumba for two weeks, eat well (high protein, low carbs, no sweets, no soda, no beer) and still gain weight?

And why did I have to be blessed with pale, Irish skin when pale skin just makes me look more like a fat turd and less like a skinny, shapely woman? Why does being tan make me look thinner? I think I've made the tan-in-a-bottle makers very, very rich. I've tried a spray tan, too, and it was ok. But knowing me, I'll eventually fuck it up one day and come out as orange as a Sesame Street monster.

I guess I'm just having a lonely, grumpy, fat turd kind of day. So my question to you is, what do you do to cheer yourself up...when you're having a turd kind of day?

Conversations With Ava

Just the other day, out of nowhere, Ava says to me "Mom, I figured it out! Kids grow up, and then they have babies, and then those babies grow and become more kids!"

And I'm laughing thinking yesssss, my four-year-old has realized the circle of life!

So today, she blurts out "Mom! I cant wait to have a baby in my tummy! And then I'll have a kid..."

Oh shit. Um, NOT so funny. So I nodded and said yes, someday you will. (please GOD...wait 25 years...)

Then later today she said "Mom, I'm going to give kitty to my baby when I have one..." Kitty, a little orange stuffed cat, is her most precious toy. Kitty goes everywhere with us and I consider Kitty a member of the freakin family. We almost lost Kitty once and I had nightmares about it the whole night. Here in this picture you can see Kitty is on her way to the restaurant with us... iPod and Kitty; Ava's staples!

We've decided now that we're going to Petsmart to make Kitty a real cat's collar, with our phone number on it, so that if it happens again someone will call us. Nowadays, when Ava takes Kitty places, she sticks her in her shirt and pulls her head out the top - she reminds me of an attachment parent carrying her baby on her chest.

I told The Hubs that I'm going to invent a stuffed animal collar so that we parents won't have to worry so much about those precious, stuffed toys when they get lost...I'm such a freak!

Growing Older is Weird

Getting old is weird. It's like my brain doesn't realize I've aged 10 years. But then something happens and the mental shit hits the fan and forces it (my brain, that is) to realize it ain't the spring chicken it once was.

I swear my brain still thinks it's 24.

What the fuck, brain? Why confuse me so?

I had mental shit hit my internal fan today.

I was grocery shopping - one of my most favorite things to do...not. Anyway, I'm checking out and the checker is a young, early 20-something cutie patootie. He's jabbering away to the bagger who, after listening to their banter, I took to be his roommate. This bagger/roommate kept talking and the checker cutie patootie turns to me and says

"You should complain to the store that he (the bagger) keeps interrupting us."

I knew he was just being a smart ass, and I can play the smart ass game pretty well myself, so I quipped back

"That's ok. I have kids, so I'm used to it."

Okay, okay, not exactly what I'd call funny or smart assed. Throw me a bone - I stay home and converse with a four and a six year old all day. My smart-assms are rusty.

But here's where he drops the big shit bomb on me.

He doesn't miss a beat, laughs at my joke, and says-

"Yea. Haha! That's exactly what my mom would say!"

Oh dear God. Did he, a boy who is probably only ten (or so) years younger than I, just compare me to....(hard swallow)....his mother.

Um, duuude. I'm not that old.

Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm being compared to a 20-something's mother.

I had to check myself and just smiled at him. I'm not the cute, unwrinkled, charming, natural blond 24 year old I once was.

Um yes, can I add some anti-wrinkle cream to my shopping cart?

Damn you, brain.

Music I'm Embarrassed to Love

I don't know a woman over 30 that doesn't love Heart. Anne and Nancy showed all of us that we could rock as hard as the dumb boys - and look hot doing it.

Lucky for me, I had to opportunity to see Heart live at the House of Blues in Mandalay Bay a few years ago. It was a great show - I was right up against the stage, and my girlfriend and I were invited by some of the "crowd boys" to party with the band after the show. I got to meet the whole band - their current drummer used to play for another favorite of mine, Alice in Chains.

Most of Heart's songs are really good - not anything to be embarrassed about. But there are a select few, this song for instance, that are painfully cheesy. But I can't deny that I LOVE this song. It makes me want to slip on some hot pink legwarmers, put on my lace headband and dance around like Nancy Wilson!

Rock on, ladies.

"There's the Girl" by Heart

Deep Thoughts

Have you ever had so much beer piled in the front passenger-side seat of your car...that the car thought it was a person...and the car starts beeping at you, asking for that "person" to put their seat belt on?

Have you ever put a seatbelt on a case of beer?

Um yeah, me either.

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My birthday cake was sooooo yummy. So yummy, in fact, that the hubs caught me eating it right out of the box. Me don't need no stinkin plate!

Speaking of this picture, don't you love it when someone takes a picture of you holding something, and your arm is pressed tightly against your side, which makes your arm look three times as big (fat)? Yea, I love that too. Crap, I can't pose all the time - especially when I'm eating a ten-pound cake straight out of the box...

Ten-pound cake...fat arms....maybe this picture is trying to tell me something.

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My lovely mother just bought me the Zumba DVDs for by birthday - I asked for them. I've tried out a few and well, I have LOTS to say about them. Ha - I have a lot to say about something? Imagine that! It should make for a pretty funny blog post, because I spent an entire hour yesterday giggling at the toolbox dude who created the videos/workout.

Stay tuned for that blog - you won't want to miss it.

Chris Brown does Michael Jackson?

What a great tribute to Michael Jackson. I love love love those songs and the dancing was incredible; it could have been Michael himself dancing up there! But Chris 'Beat Her Down' Brown crying so hard he couldn't manage to sing "Man in the Mirror" at the end of his set?

BOO HOO.

I feel such sadness for him - NOT.

So to protest, here's my open letter to Chris Beat-Her-Down Brown.

Dear Chris,

Grow some balls. I don't feel sorry for you at all. Cry to your mama, but sing the freakin song like you're suppose to. You could have pulled yourself together after the first few rifts...we get it - you're sad. But no, instead you decided to make a freaking spectacle and...Boohoo, everyone look at me! Look how sorry I am for beating the crap out of my girlfriend. Look at how sensitive I can be because I miss Michael Jackson.

Puuuuleeeeeez. Crock tears, baby. Here's a tissue. I'm going to go puke now.

Sincerely,

The Housewife

Bad Mom Moment #377

Jack, if you don't agree to get your hair cut tomorrow, I'm going to dye it blue and make you wear a tiara to your first day of 2nd grade.

Just sayin!

Philadelphia's Taste of the Nation - Update

I know I gave you a little preview of how the night went, but I'm finally going to share the whole shebang.

Take a deep breath, grab your slobber napkin and prepare to drool....ready?

Life's short...eat dessert first, right?

Yes, that really is a CAKE. And look, it even has the crack on the side.
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Cheesecakes of every flavor...peach, cherry, apple...be still my heart. The peach was my favorite.

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Is this dessert, you ask? No. Foie Gras with pickled cabbage. Yummy. I noticed there was quite a variety of foie gras offered at the event - it must be a favorite among Philly chefs. I loved it.

The oysters were a busy station all night. I was giggling with these guys trying to get a shot of them "in action." Thanks guys!

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Something I noticed about this event - the guests were awfully camera shy. I had to put on a really big smile..and sometimes even say pleasssssse? But my charm and eloquence (cough!) eventually encouraged them to come around.

Here are some of the beautiful people of Philadelphia...

One of my favorites below; Scallop Ceviche

Philly's Taste of the Nation Chef Chair, and Philadelphia’s own Jennifer Carroll, recent Bravo Top Chef finalist and chef at 10 Arts Bistro & Lounge by Eric Ripert, shows off her new Taste of the Nation chef coat.

And my favorite picture of the night? Chef Walter Staib from City Tavern pointing to himself. He was such a good sport - and funny, too! And his shrimp was to DIE for. So, thank you Chef Staib - delish.

Look! It's me!

It was a fun night full of interesting flavors, beautiful people and refreshing beverages. Congratulations to Share our Strength's Taste of the Nation for producing such a successful evening!

Can't wait for next year....

Best. Birthday Cake. Ever.

Best. Birthday.Cake. Ever.

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33 never looked so good.....

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But I don't think my 33 year old ass is going to be happy about this.

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Ahh, fuck it.

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It even tastes better than it looks.

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Now the question is, should I share it with my kids?
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Thanks to Doug's Cakes for the best cake evah!

(He even delivers)

Philadelphia's Taste of the Nation - Picture Preview

The hubs and I had a great time at last night's Taste of the Nation, 2010. Here's a little picture preview of what's to come. Stay tuned to The Housewife Diaries for a full update on the food, the people and everything in between!

Stellaaaaa!

Bad Mom Moment #549

I'm sorry, Ava, Mom can't bake cookies with you... because she will eat them all... while you're sleeping... and then her butt will get fat.

You'll just have to eat cookies over at your friends' houses instead.